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Joke gallery

A bear is chasing a mouse through the woods. They trip over a genie's lamp, and the genie appears and says, "You two are just critters, but you still get 3 wishes." He points to the bear and says, "You first."
The bear scratches his head and says, "Turn all the bears in the woods into shapely females!"
The genie turns to the mouse, who says, "I want a motor scooter in my size."
The bear is next. He thinks for a long time and says, "Okay, make every bear in this whole friggin country into shapely females!"
The mouse says, "For my second wish, I want a riding helmet that will fit my little head."
The bear grins and says, "And for my final wish, oh hell, just make every bear in the world into a shapely female!"
The mouse gets on his scooter, says, "Make the bear gay!" and rides away.
 
Two friends who haven't seen each other in years meet on the street. Joe says, "So how's the wife?"
Stan says, "Well, Janie died last year."
Joe says, "Oh my God, what happened?"
Stan says, "Well, she was going down to the basement to get some potatoes for dinner, when she tripped on the first step. She fell head over heels all the way to the bottom."
Joe says, "My God, what did you do?"
Stan says, "Well, I phoned for some Chinese takeout."
 
Woman sees a parrot in an animal shelter. The staff warns her that it grew up in a whorehouse, but she says, "I'm sure we'll still love this little guy," and she buys it. As soon as she's home and sets the cage down, the bird shrieks, "Brand new whorehouse!!", and she bursts out laughing.
Her two daughters come home from school, and the bird flaps its wings and shrieks, "Brand new whorehouse, brand new whores!!" All three of them laugh until they hurt.
The dad comes home from work, and the parrot, all excited, shrieks, "Brand new whorehouse! Same old Tom!!"
 
Two salesmen, Ed and Tom, are out in the country when their car breaks down. Can you imagine? They spot a mansion in the distance and hike over to it. A sharp-looking widow meets them at the door and hears their story. She says, "Well, I can't let you stay outside overnight. I have two guest rooms, and they are yours for the night."
A year later, both guys get to the office and Ed says, "Remember that night we stayed at that fancy house with the widow lady?"
Tom says, "Sure."
Ed says, "That night, did you sneak downstairs to her bedroom?"
Tom pauses and says, "Yeah..."
Ed says, "And did you leave the light off?"
Tom says, "Yes."
Ed says, "And did you use my name?"
Tom says, "How do you know all this? Did she blab?"
Ed says, "No, she died. She has me in her will, with a thank you for an incredible night. She left me her estate."
 
A man is on his deathbed. He motions for his wife to come over. He says, "Fran, this is it. I need you to be completely honest with me."
She says,"I will, honey."
He says, "I just want to know -- how many men have you been with in your life?"
She scrunches her face as she counts and then says, "Honey, I've been with eight men."
He says, "Eight. I can live with that. So it's seven other men, and I'm the eighth."
She says, "Sort of, honey. You're the third."
 
Maria is a good Catholic girl, still a virgin on her wedding night. The couple is staying at her mother's house, and Maria hangs out in the kitchen way too long. Finally the mama says, "Maria, I'm cookin the pasta. You got nothin to worry about, Tony's a good man and he take care of you. You go upstairs."
Maria goes up, and when Tony sees her, he unbuttons his shirt. She turns and runs down to the kitchen. She says, "Mama, he got a big hairy chest!"
Mama says, "All the mens got a big hairy chest. You go upstairs. Tony he a good man, and he take care of you."
She goes back up and Tony steps out of his pants. Maria runs straight back to the kitchen and says, "Mama, he got hairy legs!!"
Mama says, "All the men got hairy legs. Now you go back upstairs, Tony he take good care of you."
Maria goes up just as Tony takes off his socks, and she sees that one foot is missing three of its toes. She runs back to the kitchen on the double and says, "Mama, he got a foot and a half!!"
Mama says, "Stay here and stir the pasta."
 
We recently had a big prisoner exchange between USA and Russia. President Biden offered the Russians Trump, but Putin refused, and said USA could keep him. This is because he is more useful to Putin if he stays in the USA.
NOTE: this is a joke, no basis in fact (just like Republican "policies").
 
A truck driver spots a hitchhiker on the road ahead. This guy looks sketchy -- torn clothes, all his stuff in a black garbage bag. The trucker stops and says, "Get in." After looking at the countryside for a minute or two, the hitchhiker says, "I thought there was no way you'd stop for me. How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
The trucker laughs and says, "Aw shucks, what are the odds that both of us are serial killers?"
 
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a boiling glass of water. Bartender says "I thought you vampires only drank blood." Vampire pulls out a tampon and says "Im having tea!"
 
Jesus, a lawyer, and a priest are on a sinking ship. Jesus stands up and says 'Save the children!' The lawyer stands up and says 'Fuck the children!' The priest gets up and asks 'Do you think we have time?'
 
ZiprHead said:
Jesus, a lawyer, and a priest are on a sinking ship. Jesus stands up and says 'Save the children!' The lawyer stands up and says 'Fuck the children!' The priest gets up and asks 'Do you think we have time?'
Click to expand...
Why is he trying to delegate? Jesus saves!
 
A woman says to her doctor, "I got no energy these days, doc. I just sit around the kitchen all day. What is the matter with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
She says, "Jesus Christ, I'm pregnant?!"
The doctor says, "Mm-mm. No. It just looks like you are."
 
It's day one of basic training. A brand new private gets stopped by a huge, muscle-bound officer. The officer says, "What's your name, soldier?"
The private says, "Chuck, sir."
The officer says, "That's the kind of army you think you're in? Where I call you by your first name?? We are not friends, soldier. When you hear me on this base, I'll be saying, 'On the double, Jones' or 'Twenty pushups, Smith.' And to you, I will be sergeant major. You got that? Now, what's your name, soldier?"
The private says, "Darling...Chuck Darling, sergeant major."
The officer says, "What unit are you in, Chuck?"
 
ideologyhunter said:
It's day one of basic training. A brand new private gets stopped by a huge, muscle-bound officer. The officer says, "What's your name, soldier?"
The private says, "Chuck, sir."
The officer says, "That's the kind of army you think you're in? Where I call you by your first name?? We are not friends, soldier. When you hear me on this base, I'll be saying, 'On the double, Jones' or 'Twenty pushups, Smith.' And to you, I will be sergeant major. You got that? Now, what's your name, soldier?"
The private says, "Darling...Chuck Darling, sergeant major."
The officer says, "What unit are you in, Chuck?"
Click to expand...
 
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