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"Dad, why did you name my sister Teresa?"
"Well, son, that was your mother's choice. Teresa is an anagram for Easter, and you know your mom really, REALLY loves Easter."
"Thanks, Dad."
"Why, sure. You can ask me anything, Alan."
 
Two guys drink at a bar until it closes, then they walk to the one guy's apartment for a few more drinks. He lets his friend in, and the friend sees a giant bronze gong in the living room. He says, "What the hell do you need a gong for?"
The guy says, "That is my talking clock."
The friend says, "How is that a talking clock?"
The guy says, "Let me show you." He picks up a mallet, takes a good swing, and clangs it on the gong -- WHANGGGGGGGGGGGG!!! They hear a voice from upstairs: "For Christ sake, it is 3:45 in the morning!"
 
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A priest has saved up for years for a trip to Hawaii. On the flight over he thinks, "This is my one time to be in Hawaii. For one week, I don't want to be a priest." On his first morning in Honolulu, he puts on a straw hat with a plastic hibiscus, a Hawaiian barf shirt, a half dozen leis, orange shorts, flip flops, and a pair of sunglasses with giant heart-shaped lenses. He heads down to Waikiki Beach and sits on a bench.
Down the walk comes a smokin' hot blonde in a thong bikini. She passes him and says, "Good morning, Father."
He nearly chokes. He gets up and runs after her. He says, "Young lady, how do you know I'm a priest?"
She says, "Father, it's me, Sister Roberta."
 
A car carrying three traveling salesmen breaks down out in the country. They walk awhile until they meet a farmer who takes them home, introduces them to his lovely wive and 3 daughters, feeds them dinner and lets them stay the night in the barn. The daughters sneak in and frolic all night long with the salesmen.

The next morning at breakfast, the farmer compliments the men on their good behavior and invites each man to pick 100 of his favorite fruit or vegetable. The men go out into the fields. The first man returns with 100 green beans. The farmer pulls out a shotgun and says “Shove them up your ass”. The man drops his pants, complies, but when he reaches 99, he starts laughing hysterically.

Just then, the second man returns with 100 cucumbers. The farmer points his shotgun at him and says “Shove them up your ass.” The man drops his drawers, complies, but when he reaches 99, he starts laughing hysterically.

The farmer is confused, and yells “What’s so dadgum funny!” Both men reply, “Our buddy likes watermelons”!
 
Woodrow and Luella have been married over 50 years. One morning, as they're about to eat breakfast, Luella says, "Remember when we were just married and used to come down here stark naked for breakfast? Why don't we shuck off our clothes, for old times sake?"
Woodrow says, "I don't see the harm in it," so they throw off their clothes and sit down again.
Luella gets an impish grin and says, "Woodrow, you are still one fine sexy beast. Here's a little secret. My nipples are still hot for you!"
Woodrow says, "Well, that makes a heap o' sense. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."
 
A municipal court judge is looking at three apples lined up on his bench. The defendant is an elderly woman.
The judge says, "Norma, they caught you stealing these apples at the grocery store. Why in the world would you do that?"
Norma says, "I was hungry."
The judge says, "Ah, you were hungry. Okay. Well, you took three apples. I sentence you to three days in jail."
Norma's husband shouts from the gallery, "If it'll help, judge, she also swiped a jumbo jar of peanuts!"
 
The Nigerian Sports Ministry has just released the following announcement

"Unfortunately Nigeria did not win any Olympic wins at the Paris Olympics.
The Minister has said that he will will personally re-imburse the costs of any Nigerians who went to Paris to support our atheltes.
To be re-imbursed please send the following details to the Minister

1. Your name
2. Copies of expenses or costs incurred getting to and from Paris as well as any costs incurred whilst staying in France.
3. Your Bank's name
4. Your bank account number
5. Your pin or access number

Thank you"
 
Intelligence Test
Follow carefully and speak out loud.

1. Say "EYE"
2. Spell "MAP"
Say "NESS"
​
 
A guy sticks his head in the door of a busy barber shop. He says, "How long is the wait for a haircut?"
Joe, the barber, says, "About an hour and a half," and the guy leaves.
Joe turns to his nephew, Tony, who sweeps out the shop. He says, "It's that same guy!! He come here every week, ask that same question, he leave, and never come back. Tony, I give you five dollars if you find out where he go."
Tony is back in twenty minutes. He says, "Your house."
 
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