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gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
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I had never seen that ad. Cool..
George S
Veteran Member
Three stages in a man's life:
Tri-weekly.
Try, weekly.
Try, weakly.
Tri-weekly.
Try, weekly.
Try, weakly.
angelo
Deleted
My damn neighbor came banging on my door at 3am, 3am ffs!!! Luckily I was still up practicing on my drums!!
GenesisNemesis
Let's Go Dark Brandon!
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- California
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- Secular Humanist, Scientific Skepticism, Strong Atheism
A guy went to an orgy. He got off on the wrong foot.
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
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I would have added something about armless......
Keith&Co.
Contributor
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...because he couldn't measure up.*
*Mrs. & Co.'s contribution.
_I_ think it could be a joke series.
A tailor went to an orgy. He couldn't measure up.
A podiatrist went to an orgy. He got off on the wrong foot.
A nun went to an orgy. It was her only bad habit.
angelo
Deleted
Two nuns are riding their bikes on a cobble stone road one nun asks the other. : do you come this way often? No, replies the other, it must be the cobbles.
James Brown
Veteran Member
A lion tamer went to an orgy. To his dismay, he got Claude.
Achwienichtig
Member
A baseball manager went to an orgy. He got ejected.
A basketball player went to an orgy. He was double teamed.
spikepipsqueak
My Brane Hertz
I lost my watch at a party recently. After searching for an hour, I noticed that a guy was standing on it whilst forcing himself upon a young woman. I approached him, tapped him on the shoulder and - when he turned around - punched him in the face.
Nobody treats women like that. Not on my watch.
An American woman is walking through a park in Germany when she sees a man peeing out in the open. She shouts "ew gross" and the man smiles and responds "danke schön".
During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. Knowing glances were exchanged all around the room and then her husbands voice was heard "Well, at least we know she got there all right,"
Nobody treats women like that. Not on my watch.
An American woman is walking through a park in Germany when she sees a man peeing out in the open. She shouts "ew gross" and the man smiles and responds "danke schön".
During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. Knowing glances were exchanged all around the room and then her husbands voice was heard "Well, at least we know she got there all right,"
James Brown
Veteran Member
A baker went to an orgy. First he got whipped. Then he got creamed.
Keith&Co.
Contributor
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- Far Western Mass
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- Here.
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- I'm here...
A sailor went to an orgy. He came aft.
A surfer went to an orgy. He totally got tubed.
A zombie in an advanced state of decay wandered into an orgy. His partner received head.
Doctor Moreau threw his own orgy. 'The guests were animals,' he said later. 'Animals.'
George S
Veteran Member
The electrician stumbled upon that orgy. He was shocked!
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
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As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams :
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,
"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done"
C_Mucius_Scaevola
Veteran Member
OK, I think this is an old one, but ...
Four rabbis meet up every weekend to sit and chat, discussing theology. Every time they talk, it ends up with three of them agreeing against the other, whatever the topic of the day, and regardless of who's really right. They've just got it in for this guy, apparently, and he always ends up on his own against the three of them.
One day, he finally gets fed up with it. He knows he's right about that day's debate, but the other three stick to their guns and stick together against him. Exasperated, the lone rabbi resorts to prayer:
"Oh God," he prays, "I know I'm right here, and you, as the omniscient Supreme Being, must know I'm right, too. Please send a sign to show these three idiots that not only am I right, but that they're going up against the Almighty as well. Just a little sign, Lord, that's all I ask. Amen"
Suddenly, out of a clear blue sky, a cloud appears above the heads of the three, and starts raining on them for a few seconds, then disappears.
"Ha! You see?" cries the lone rabbi. "A sign from the Almighty to show you you're wrong and I'm right! What do you say to that?"
"Meh," comes the reply. "An unusual weather phenomenon, nothing more. Easily explained by natural causes."
The lone rabbi decides to try again. "Oh Lord," he prays, "apparently that sign wasn't enough to convince them. They still say I'm wrong, three to one. Can you send a clearer sign so they'll understand? Amen."
Again, a cloud appears, darker than the first. It hovers over the three rabbis and, one by one, hits each of them wth a small jolt of lightning, just enough to curl their hair without doing any lastng damage. The cloud then changes shape to spell the words "he's right", before disappearing in a "poof!", leaving the clear sky once more.
"Now will you admit I'm right?" asks the lone rabbi. "Was that sign clear enough for you?"
"Well," they reply, "we have to admit that was very, very unusual, but still, it's probably explainable by natural causes despite its curious nature. We still think we're right, and it's still three against one."
"Oh for fuck's sake!" thinks the rabbi, not a little peeved at their obstinacy. He offers up one last prayer: "Dear God, it's really getting annoying. Two signs you've sent them, and twice they've ignored you. Could you send a really big sign, something that can't be mistaken for a natural phenomenon, and show them just how wrong they are? Amen."
In an instant, a rip appears in the sky, replacing part of the blue with a curtain of the deepest black that covers half the sky, out of which rolls a magnificent white cloud in the shape of an old, bearded man. A deep, booming, but exasperated voice rolls from the cloud, saying, "He's right and you three are wrong. Do not try my patience further. Accept this sign or I willl send a greater, less friendly sign to ensure you doubt me no further. He's right. Now give me some peace and quiet."
"Aha!" says the lone rabbi. "Now what do you have to say?"
The three rabbis look at each other long and hard, shaken by the experience and not sure how to react. Finally, they nod in silent agreement, as if they had telepathically consulted on what their answer should be. One of them looks the lone rabbi square in the eye and says,
"Fair enough. Now it's three against two ..."
Four rabbis meet up every weekend to sit and chat, discussing theology. Every time they talk, it ends up with three of them agreeing against the other, whatever the topic of the day, and regardless of who's really right. They've just got it in for this guy, apparently, and he always ends up on his own against the three of them.
One day, he finally gets fed up with it. He knows he's right about that day's debate, but the other three stick to their guns and stick together against him. Exasperated, the lone rabbi resorts to prayer:
"Oh God," he prays, "I know I'm right here, and you, as the omniscient Supreme Being, must know I'm right, too. Please send a sign to show these three idiots that not only am I right, but that they're going up against the Almighty as well. Just a little sign, Lord, that's all I ask. Amen"
Suddenly, out of a clear blue sky, a cloud appears above the heads of the three, and starts raining on them for a few seconds, then disappears.
"Ha! You see?" cries the lone rabbi. "A sign from the Almighty to show you you're wrong and I'm right! What do you say to that?"
"Meh," comes the reply. "An unusual weather phenomenon, nothing more. Easily explained by natural causes."
The lone rabbi decides to try again. "Oh Lord," he prays, "apparently that sign wasn't enough to convince them. They still say I'm wrong, three to one. Can you send a clearer sign so they'll understand? Amen."
Again, a cloud appears, darker than the first. It hovers over the three rabbis and, one by one, hits each of them wth a small jolt of lightning, just enough to curl their hair without doing any lastng damage. The cloud then changes shape to spell the words "he's right", before disappearing in a "poof!", leaving the clear sky once more.
"Now will you admit I'm right?" asks the lone rabbi. "Was that sign clear enough for you?"
"Well," they reply, "we have to admit that was very, very unusual, but still, it's probably explainable by natural causes despite its curious nature. We still think we're right, and it's still three against one."
"Oh for fuck's sake!" thinks the rabbi, not a little peeved at their obstinacy. He offers up one last prayer: "Dear God, it's really getting annoying. Two signs you've sent them, and twice they've ignored you. Could you send a really big sign, something that can't be mistaken for a natural phenomenon, and show them just how wrong they are? Amen."
In an instant, a rip appears in the sky, replacing part of the blue with a curtain of the deepest black that covers half the sky, out of which rolls a magnificent white cloud in the shape of an old, bearded man. A deep, booming, but exasperated voice rolls from the cloud, saying, "He's right and you three are wrong. Do not try my patience further. Accept this sign or I willl send a greater, less friendly sign to ensure you doubt me no further. He's right. Now give me some peace and quiet."
"Aha!" says the lone rabbi. "Now what do you have to say?"
The three rabbis look at each other long and hard, shaken by the experience and not sure how to react. Finally, they nod in silent agreement, as if they had telepathically consulted on what their answer should be. One of them looks the lone rabbi square in the eye and says,
"Fair enough. Now it's three against two ..."
Last edited:
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2013
- Messages
- 13,668
- Location
- At home, when I am not at work.
- Basic Beliefs
- On my journey :D
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th then the 7th then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing again backwards.
The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th then the 7th then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread, and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.
Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.
"He's decomposing."
Atheos
Veteran Member
It's Only Logical
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell a bit of religion. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty eight and a half minutes?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in ten minutes.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell a bit of religion. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty eight and a half minutes?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in ten minutes.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........
gmbteach
Mrs Frizzle
- Joined
- Apr 16, 2013
- Messages
- 13,668
- Location
- At home, when I am not at work.
- Basic Beliefs
- On my journey :D
