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I was in my back yard yesterday trying to fly a kite. I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth.

I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail!"

I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her,
"Make up your mind! Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
 
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and solve world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'....

...and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
 
I went to the store and asked if I could borrow a copy of Batman Forever.
The assistant said "No. You return it next week just like everybody else".
 
The kidnapper pushes me through the doorway. I'm in a 10x10 windowless room. There's a bare lightbulb hanging from the ceiling, a cot, a toilet, and a sink.
"You'll be kept here," he mocks. "Meals will be provided at random intervals. No one will interact with you."
I perk up for the first time since they grabbed me. "No schedule? No deadlines? No interruptions? And i can sleep as much as i want?"
The kidnapper looks confused, and starting to get a little angry.
"I mean, oh noooooooo," i protest.
 
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