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Joke gallery

Heaven's switchboard takes a call from hell. "This is Sister Mary Margaret, and there has been one doozy of a mistake. I am in hell! Can you get me out of here?"
The operator says, "Please hold" and connects her to Accounts. This guy wants to know if she has led a life of faith.
"Yes, yes, you can look in my file. I have been a faithful bride of Christ. I don't want to be in hell for one more minute!"
"Please be calm, Mary Margaret. It does look like there has been a mistake. We should be able to transfer you in a matter of minutes." He hangs up.
Two hours later heaven gets another call. "This is Sister Mary Margaret, and I am STILL in hell, and they are saying very creepy things to me, and I want out!"
"We are doing our best, and we should be able to get you out in an hour or two."
"Well, you better hurry, because they announced the Devil's Orgy, and we are all expected to attend!"
"We'll get back to you."
Two hours later there's another call and a wispy voice says, "Hey...this is Mags...about the transfer, you can skip it, okay?"
 
The doctor is surprised when his 60-year-old patient hands him an empty specimen jar. "You were supposed to take this home and produce a semen sample," he says.
The man says, "I know, doc. But it was just impossible, and I tried. Oh, did I try! I tried with my left hand, then my right, then both hands. Nothing. Then my wife tried to help, with her mouth, first with teeth in, then with teeth out, and nothing. Our neighbor came over and stuck it in her armpit, and then she clamped it between her legs, and nothing worked!"
The doctor said, "You had your neighbor help?!!"
The man says, "Yes! And none of us could open that goddamned jar!"
 
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I can't do this joke justice so I will let Norm tell it.
“A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.

And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on.”

― Norm Macdonald
Click to expand...
 
Been a great week for me.
Won a huge lottery and the start of the week and now the ex-wife wants to get back with me.



I accidentally swallowed a number of scrabble tiles. The next trip to the dunny could spell disaster for me.
 
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car They get pulled over.
Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?" "
No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies. The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35."
Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, idiot!" shouts Schrodinger. The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
 
I brought a new GPS. The first trip with it was to a cemetery I'd never been to before.
It directed me fine but i was concerned it when announced upon arrival "You have reached your final destination"
 
As the 1960s were ticking down NASA was having a very hard time with the delta-v budget of going to the moon. Getting there wasn't a problem, having enough fuel to get home was a very big problem. This was eventually solved by the lunar rendezvous approach that was actually used (not taking the return fuel and supplies down to the surface) but before they settled on that they were considering another approach to Kennedy's challenge: Rocket #1 carries 5 years of supplies. If it lands safely rocket #2 lands next to it with a crew of one. There is no return stage. If they haven't solved the return problem in 5 years they have already shown they can send up another 5 years of supplies. Send another supply rocket, 5 more years to solve the problem.

If NASA had gone with this option would it have been a maroon shot rather than a moon shot??
 
Loren Pechtel said:
As the 1960s were ticking down NASA was having a very hard time with the delta-v budget of going to the moon. Getting there wasn't a problem, having enough fuel to get home was a very big problem. This was eventually solved by the lunar rendezvous approach that was actually used (not taking the return fuel and supplies down to the surface) but before they settled on that they were considering another approach to Kennedy's challenge: Rocket #1 carries 5 years of supplies. If it lands safely rocket #2 lands next to it with a crew of one. There is no return stage. If they haven't solved the return problem in 5 years they have already shown they can send up another 5 years of supplies. Send another supply rocket, 5 more years to solve the problem.

If NASA had gone with this option would it have been a maroon shot rather than a moon shot??
Click to expand...
It would have been a step in the right direction.
 
Less a joke and more situational humor.

The world's toughest dare:

Person A: Well yeah... I dare you to update your firmware.

*group gasps*

Person B: But... but... my electronic device works perfectly fine.

Person A: What are you, a pussy?

Person B: *sweats*
 
Jimmy Higgins said:
Less a joke and more situational humor.

The world's toughest dare:

Person A: Well yeah... I dare you to update your firmware.

*group gasps*

Person B: But... but... my electronic device works perfectly fine.

Person A: What are you, a pussy?

Person B: *sweats*
Click to expand...

What sort of pervert do you think I am?? I don't flash!
 
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