In case it isn't clear, I understand fairly well what generational trauma is proposed to represent. But I also think it's pop-psychology and largely gets used as an excuse that ignores both current dynamics and personal accountability.
My mom's family is irish immigrants who went through famines and wars and religious persecution and involuntary indentured servitude at the point of a sword. My dad is descended from both african slaves transported to the americas against their will and osage indians persecuted and abused and damned near genocided by white people. I could claim generational trauma as the source of all the ills in my life... but my parents raised me to believe that I control how I react to the circumstances that arise in my life, and that I'm accountable for the consequences of my own actions. That's how they were raised, and how their parents were raised.
Of course we do control how we respond to traumas but those responses absolutely ARE informed by how we were raised, and how our parents were raised abd our grandparents and so on.
I know how hard my parents tried to give us not just a more economically secure life but also one with more kindness and understanding. Yet a great deal of my own childhood was fairly harsh. In turn, I tried very hard to avoid the mistakes my parents made and mostly succeeded—but not entirely, my kids were not required to clean their plates, for example. They were not punished or shamed if they did not bring home straight A’s. But looking back, I made a few decisions re: my kids when they were in their late teens that I seriously regret. At the time I was proud of myself for being so tough ( a strong value when I was growing up). But in fact, I did not feel good about some of those choices and I regret them very much and feel that they caused unintended harm to my own kids.
My childhood was based on being tough, self reliant and doing everything for ourselves. I had not regretted that so much—I was very proud of my toughness, and in fact, I think it actually saved my life a couple of times. But it also nearly cost my sister her life as she ignored a growing brain tumor, foregoing the scans that would monitor its growth ( or stability) and determine if surgery was recommended, in fact, she nearly died, not only because of the brain tumor but also because of ignored infections and sepsis. Post op, she had rehab in the hospital and thought the staff was being patronizing for praising each bit of progress she made as she rehearsed to walk and do ordinary daily self care tasks. She thought they were treating her like a baby. I pointed out to her that not everyone grew up in households where only criticism and punishment were handed out and that praise was actually much more effective than criticism, ridicule or punishment.
Some of the bad patterns I’ve come to recognize are based on learned behaviors growing up. I don’t blame my parents: they grew up in harsh circumstances as did many/most of their generation. But I also recognize that some ways of reacting towards stress are not based on learned experience but on other issues, including but not limited to depression. Indeed, I can see certain mannerisms and even certain food preferences, social patterns and preferences in my own children that are very reminiscent of behaviors and references of their grandparents —that neither my husband nor I I share or exhibit. These were not learned from their grandparents because we never lived close to either set of grandparents. On a recent family trip, one of my kids mentioned how one of his brothers was basically identical to one of my husband’s uncles—not physically but in a lot of behaviors and life choices they made. Although I had never thought of it before, he’s right. They are very alike.
