Parenting Megathread

[spikepipsqueak]

Perhaps she, also, is feeling that everything is in flux at the moment. You are stressed and she will be feeling it, but I think you are wise to get professional help,

Something from 2nd year Psych that may help in the meantime.

Think of her as a bucket containing attention. You need to give her your attention until she indicates she doesn't need it any more. Her bucket will be full when she walks off to do something else (then you will feel successful, but deserted). The buckets of children who feel bereft of attention can be hard to fill, and hard to keep topped up.

Sometimes when you are playing a game or driving somewhere they can open up about what is worrying them. They often can't do that when asked. Sometimes they don't know what is worrying them.

I really feel for you.

 

[Toni]

Seriously freaking out over my daughter's mental health. She had an incident today in school where she decided to punch a classmate in the face because she ran into line instead of walked. What bothered me was that she wasn't angry. This, in connection with a couple incidents within the past week we caught her being mean to our cat, that make three incidents of non-anger related violence. And she has noted on multiple occasions recently, a "voice" is commanding her to do these things. Now children will be children, and will say certain things and have decent sized imaginations, and I might be making too much of this, but I am fearing that she actually is suffering from a serious early onset mental illness, which connects too many dots. She is already in therapy, but we'll need to kick it up a few levels because either I need a doctor to tell me to calm the heck down, or to diagnose her with what I'm fearing and get her treatment. Luckily, have a professional psychiatrist in the extended family, though he works with adults, but it'll at least be a start before getting her to a local pro.

I really hope I'm making too much of this, but I really don't think anyone knows her better than I. For an empathetic child, she seems to lack remorse at times and revels in attention when she has done something wrong. (Oddly enough, she is the only female I can easily read. ) Between everything else from marriage to my dad to my daughter's behavior... there is little beneath my feet that seems steady.

That does sound as though you are wise to be concerned and to kick things up a notch or so and that you have some resources on which to draw. I’m really sorry that you have so much going on right now. Things do seem to pile on that way, don’t they? It’s as though the universe decides to be efficient since we are in worry/stress mode and simply cram as much as possible all at one time...it could be as simple as your daughter unconsciously reacting to the stress you all are feeling.

I hope that you get some answers and some support IRL.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

I was trying to figure out if there is a correlation to her actions and stress at home. And there is more than I'd like to admit, but the overlap isn't complete there.

I did look up that apparently 1 in 12 children hear voices, so apparently it isn't as uncommon as I initially thought. She says she doesn't hear anything else, which is encouraging.

The other good news is where she is receiving therapy, they do have programs for the harder to deal with mental illnesses. We talk with the in family professional tonight and then move on from there.

 

[Rhea]

Seriously freaking out over my daughter's mental health. She had an incident today in school where she decided to punch a classmate in the face because she ran into line instead of walked. What bothered me was that she wasn't angry. This, in connection with a couple incidents within the past week we caught her being mean to our cat, that make three incidents of non-anger related violence. And she has noted on multiple occasions recently, a "voice" is commanding her to do these things. Now children will be children, and will say certain things and have decent sized imaginations, and I might be making too much of this, but I am fearing that she actually is suffering from a serious early onset mental illness, which connects too many dots. She is already in therapy, but we'll need to kick it up a few levels because either I need a doctor to tell me to calm the heck down, or to diagnose her with what I'm fearing and get her treatment. Luckily, have a professional psychiatrist in the extended family, though he works with adults, but it'll at least be a start before getting her to a local pro.

I really hope I'm making too much of this, but I really don't think anyone knows her better than I. For an empathetic child, she seems to lack remorse at times and revels in attention when she has done something wrong. (Oddly enough, she is the only female I can easily read. ) Between everything else from marriage to my dad to my daughter's behavior... there is little beneath my feet that seems steady.

Oh, no, Jimmy - that sounds very frightening. You are right to get some additional evaluation for her. If it is "nothing," then you will find out what's upsetting her subconsciously. If it is more serious, the earlier diagnosis the better. I so hope it is not anything severe and you are able to help her move forward. This sounds like a tough one. <3 <3 <3

 

[southernhybrid]

I don't really have any advice, but I am sorry that you are dealing with both your dad's illness, and your daughter's behavior. Hopefully, a good counselor who understands symptoms of childhood mental illnesses will be able to help her.

And, of course, your daughter may not be suffering from a mental illness. She might just be going through a temporary stage and reacting to the stress that you are feeling in your life. I wouldn't jump to any conclusions. Kids can act out when they are feeling stressed. Maybe that's all that's going on with her, but I can understand your concern.

 

[ruby sparks]

I was trying to figure out if there is a correlation to her actions and stress at home. And there is more than I'd like to admit, but the overlap isn't complete there.

I did look up that apparently 1 in 12 children hear voices, so apparently it isn't as uncommon as I initially thought. She says she doesn't hear anything else, which is encouraging.

The other good news is where she is receiving therapy, they do have programs for the harder to deal with mental illnesses. We talk with the in family professional tonight and then move on from there.

Hi Jimmy,

I've only just noticed the thread and am sorry to hear of what is going on for you and your family. Sympathies and empathies.

Just reading back a little I see that you mentioned an issue your daughter had with Alexa, and I was wondering if that was in any way related to what she is experiencing or describing about the voices?

 

[rousseau]

Seriously freaking out over my daughter's mental health. She had an incident today in school where she decided to punch a classmate in the face because she ran into line instead of walked. What bothered me was that she wasn't angry. This, in connection with a couple incidents within the past week we caught her being mean to our cat, that make three incidents of non-anger related violence. And she has noted on multiple occasions recently, a "voice" is commanding her to do these things. Now children will be children, and will say certain things and have decent sized imaginations, and I might be making too much of this, but I am fearing that she actually is suffering from a serious early onset mental illness, which connects too many dots. She is already in therapy, but we'll need to kick it up a few levels because either I need a doctor to tell me to calm the heck down, or to diagnose her with what I'm fearing and get her treatment. Luckily, have a professional psychiatrist in the extended family, though he works with adults, but it'll at least be a start before getting her to a local pro.

I really hope I'm making too much of this, but I really don't think anyone knows her better than I. For an empathetic child, she seems to lack remorse at times and revels in attention when she has done something wrong. (Oddly enough, she is the only female I can easily read. ) Between everything else from marriage to my dad to my daughter's behavior... there is little beneath my feet that seems steady.

Sorry to hear. As others mentioned likely the right choice getting her checked out, but to me this behavior doesn't sound that alarming for someone of her age. Morality and empathy are mostly learned, some never learn it.

To me it sounds like you're over-estimating how much of a 6 ( 7?) year old's behavior is deliberate and planned, and not random experimentation toward socialization. I could be completely wrong so yea, get her checked out. Probably too early to panic, though.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

The adult psychiatrist in the extended family says not to worry, at least over the extreme potential options. Based on his advice, we'll likely shift where my daughter is going to somewhere else and make with a full diagnostic.

I still have serious concerns, but talk did help to quell the more exotic concerns (and yes, I was aware they were exotic).

I had written a note to the teacher regarding what had happened and our discussion with our daughter over it. The 'funny' thing was her teacher was almost defensive for our daughter, indicating that her behavior in class is actually great, it is just in transitions where she gets overly impulsive. Our (parents) concern is our daughter getting suspended because they do stuff like that these days with First Graders.

 

[Toni]

The adult psychiatrist in the extended family says not to worry, at least over the extreme potential options. Based on his advice, we'll likely shift where my daughter is going to somewhere else and make with a full diagnostic.

I still have serious concerns, but talk did help to quell the more exotic concerns (and yes, I was aware they were exotic).

I had written a note to the teacher regarding what had happened and our discussion with our daughter over it. The 'funny' thing was her teacher was almost defensive for our daughter, indicating that her behavior in class is actually great, it is just in transitions where she gets overly impulsive. Our (parents) concern is our daughter getting suspended because they do stuff like that these days with First Graders.

Yeah, suspension over striking another student happens at every level, as a matter of course. Including preschools and kindergarten. Zero tolerance and all of that. This happened when our kids were in school, as well. The exceptions seemed to have been for kids who had IEPs for behavioral issues. They never got suspended. Being the kind of community it is, that was the right call as for those kids, home was no place for a kid. So, the kid would be in in school suspension instead. Or simply talked to.

 

[crazyfingers]

My daughter is 19. She should take drivers ed and get her drivers license. She had a "peer mentor" through Department of mental health who met her twice and said she would teach my daughter to drive and no need for drivers ed. Then she was reassigned.

Daughter does not want to take drivers ed. Wants to just get her license.

Our position, no drivers ed? Ok. We don't pay for insurance and she doesn't drive any of our cars and at some point we stop driving her around.

She thinks our position is not reasonable. Ok. That's her opinion.

So when do we refuse to drive her places? She has a bike.

ETA by the way, my 17 year old boy is willing to take drivers ed. He has been slow to come around but when my dad died in August we suddenly got handed to us a Subaru Impreza AWD. Model 2006 but less than 60k miles on it. Really a perfect ride for a teenager.

We had not been so keen on any kids driving my wife's Toyota Sienna van or my still new Subaru Outback.

 

[Rhea]

My daughter is 19. She should take drivers ed and get her drivers license. She had a "peer mentor" through Department of mental health who met her twice and said she would teach my daughter to drive and no need for drivers ed. Then she was reassigned.

Daughter does not want to take drivers ed. Wants to just get her license.

Our position, no drivers ed? Ok. We don't pay for insurance and she doesn't drive any of our cars and at some point we stop driving her around.

She thinks our position is not reasonable. Ok. That's her opinion.

So when do we refuse to drive her places? She has a bike.

ETA by the way, my 17 year old boy is willing to take drivers ed. He has been slow to come around but when my dad died in August we suddenly got handed to us a Subaru Impreza AWD. Model 2006 but less than 60k miles on it. Really a perfect ride for a teenager.

We had not been so keen on any kids driving my wife's Toyota Sienna van or my still new Subaru Outback.

My first reaction is that I would probably start refusing non-critical rides. Especially those that could be done on bike.


“At 19, you have some choices. You can take driver ed and get a license to unlock parental insurance coverage and car supply; OR you can use your bike if you don’t like that option. OR you can save up money to buy your own car, your own insurance and get your license directly. As a good parent, I will not let you fall out into the world not knowing how to do this stuff, so I’m helping you level up by showing you the choices. The choice - is yours. I would be letting you down if I kept acting as chauffeur or enabler to a 19yo and let you on the road without understanding the safety aspects of driver ed. I will not be letting you down. Some kids aren’t given this advice and this help, and they have a really hard time as an adult. I wil not do that to you, I love you.”

 

[Rhea]

One convo that we had about cars in our house... well, background:

Kid #1 was in no hurry to get his license and wanted rides. Through conversations like the above we convinced him what HE had to gain by being licensed. We insisted that he do the requisite driving hours with me (I’m a Novice Instructor for precision driving sports) and that he also attend the Tire Rack Teen Street Survival course. He was reluctant there, too. But I reminded him regularly, “by the way, YOU do not have a car. **I** have a car, that is why my rules apply. It doesn’t matter that we have ‘extra’ cars, they are still MY cars, not yours. And my rules apply - drivers must have full driver’s ed including Teen Street Survival.”

Kid#2 could not wait to get her license, and cheerfully did all the things to unlock “Licensed” level.

Both kids currently use my “extra” cars (grannie’s old car) with the following caveat: They are still my cars. Sp if you don’t help household, household is not available to you. We also have an agreement that you buy all your own gas, UNLESS, you are doing errands for me, then I buy the gas. So now they both frequently ask, “Mom, can I do any shopping for you?” And this suits all parties fine.

When Kid#1 first got his license, he was keen to drive his little sister anywhere she needed to go in order to have free gas for whenever he wanted to visit friends.
When Kid#2 first got her license, I found a cheap, $500 car for her (10yo and 200kmi) which she is slowly paying me for. When she pays it off, I’ll sign it over, but she still has to do errands if she wants insurance.

And for both, “and remember, since you are in my car, I need to always know where it is and you are. This is not punishment, this is courtesy, and courtesy is part of being responsible enough to use my cars.


So overall my approach was, “I am doing you a solid helping you learn how to not need me at all. And use of my car comes with being willing to learn that lesson.”

 

[crazyfingers]

I agree. That's the direction we are going. Daughter is a bit of a stick in the mud. We've explained that but we keep having to remind her. It was very irresponsible off her temporary Peer Mentor to put the "no need for Driver's Ed" into hear head. We've explained that insurance costs more if she doesn't take driver's ed. We've also explained that without driver's ed she's not driving our cars.

It's part of a larger picture. Right now she's finally making progress getting past some serious mental health disorders. So in many ways she's behind her peers in terms of stepping up to the responsibilities and privileges of being a legal adult. She is taking her senior high school year a second time to catch up on her academics to get into college and currently goes to a school out of town. So that means she has a special ed van. The school is about 45 minutes away in good traffic.

The other day she asked if she can take "Spring track" which costs something like $300. I asked her what else she needs to find out. Blank stare. What else do your mother and I need to know? She gets a bit snippy claiming not to know. OK. Think about it a bit and bring it up again when you can think what else we need to know.

We haven't talked about it since then but I'm still waiting for her to realize, if she hasn't already, that we need to know when this takes place and how transportation will work. Will the school district transport her if it's outside of school hours? Or implicit in this request is she really expecting us to transport her 45 minutes each way every Saturday?

 

[Toni]

I agree. That's the direction we are going. Daughter is a bit of a stick in the mud. We've explained that but we keep having to remind her. It was very irresponsible off her temporary Peer Mentor to put the "no need for Driver's Ed" into hear head. We've explained that insurance costs more if she doesn't take driver's ed. We've also explained that without driver's ed she's not driving our cars.

It's part of a larger picture. Right now she's finally making progress getting past some serious mental health disorders. So in many ways she's behind her peers in terms of stepping up to the responsibilities and privileges of being a legal adult. She is taking her senior high school year a second time to catch up on her academics to get into college and currently goes to a school out of town. So that means she has a special ed van. The school is about 45 minutes away in good traffic.

The other day she asked if she can take "Spring track" which costs something like $300. I asked her what else she needs to find out. Blank stare. What else do your mother and I need to know? She gets a bit snippy claiming not to know. OK. Think about it a bit and bring it up again when you can think what else we need to know.

We haven't talked about it since then but I'm still waiting for her to realize, if she hasn't already, that we need to know when this takes place and how transportation will work. Will the school district transport her if it's outside of school hours? Or implicit in this request is she really expecting us to transport her 45 minutes each way every Saturday?

Sure, it would be great if she knew all the details associated with spring track but the reality is that most kids that age are in some degree of fog when it comes to details and the division of responsibilities. I think you should try it again and make a list of things that need to be considered: transportation, meets, does she need to maintain a certain GPA, is she eligible age wise, does she need a physical and what is the deadline for that and so on. It's been a while since I had a kid in high school and I am not sure I remember all of the ins and outs of any participation in any extra curriculars.

I raised 4 and believe me, I remember how hard it is to watch your kid just not quite 'get it' when mine did not have the same difficult history as your daughter does. Maybe she needs a little hand holding here. Adulthood is not really a clear bright line thing, as far as brains go.

 

[crazyfingers]

Sure, it would be great if she knew all the details associated with spring track but the reality is that most kids that age are in some degree of fog when it comes to details and the division of responsibilities. I think you should try it again and make a list of things that need to be considered:

Been all over this. This is not the first, it's the hundredth time.

 

[Toni]

Sure, it would be great if she knew all the details associated with spring track but the reality is that most kids that age are in some degree of fog when it comes to details and the division of responsibilities. I think you should try it again and make a list of things that need to be considered:

Been all over this. This is not the first, it's the hundredth time.

I definitely understand reaching limits. Sometimes, we just have to let them figure things out the hard way....

 

[rousseau]

Does anyone have recommendations for or advice about breast-pumps? Partner and I were watching a youtube yesterday which recommended Haakaa Silicone Pumps, seems like they have pretty good reviews and are reasonably priced.

But something about them seems too easy when there are exorbitantly priced pumps being sold at retailers.

 

[Toni]

Does anyone have recommendations for or advice about breast-pumps? Partner and I were watching a youtube yesterday which recommended Haakaa Silicone Pumps, seems like they have pretty good reviews and are reasonably priced.

But something about them seems too easy when there are exorbitantly priced pumps being sold at retailers.

All my children are grown so it's been a minute but yikes. Or rather YIKES!!!!!!: That pump is all manual = a lot of work. Please do not get this and expect your wife to use it instead of breastfeeding or to gain milk to supplement breast feeding after she returns to work. It looks inefficient and not particularly effective, especially for a first time new mother. Please do not choose this. Just reading the comments, it seems as though it works best for use while breastfeeding from the other breast--after milk supply has been established.

Here's this: https://thewirecutter.com/reviews/best-breast-pumps/


Also I really, really, really think that your wife should ask her medical provider for recommendations and perhaps a phone number or two to talk to nursing mothers who use breast pumps.

Please have your wife reach out to other young mothers who will give her some realistic, practical advice and tips and understanding.

Ultimately, she must choose what is comfortable and practical for her to use.

 

[rousseau]

Does anyone have recommendations for or advice about breast-pumps? Partner and I were watching a youtube yesterday which recommended Haakaa Silicone Pumps, seems like they have pretty good reviews and are reasonably priced.

But something about them seems too easy when there are exorbitantly priced pumps being sold at retailers.

All my children are grown so it's been a minute but yikes. Or rather YIKES!!!!!!: That pump is all manual = a lot of work. Please do not get this and expect your wife to use it instead of breastfeeding or to gain milk to supplement breast feeding after she returns to work. It looks inefficient and not particularly effective, especially for a first time new mother. Please do not choose this. Just reading the comments, it seems as though it works best for use while breastfeeding from the other breast--after milk supply has been established.

Here's this: https://thewirecutter.com/reviews/best-breast-pumps/


Also I really, really, really think that your wife should ask her medical provider for recommendations and perhaps a phone number or two to talk to nursing mothers who use breast pumps.

Please have your wife reach out to other young mothers who will give her some realistic, practical advice and tips and understanding.

Ultimately, she must choose what is comfortable and practical for her to use.

Thanks. That was the impression I got, too. It was my partner who was watching the youtube more closely, and after a closer look, it looks like it's more of a travel item.

I have no inclination for any product over another, but my partner tends to be permanently parked in cost-saving mode and I need to remind her we can have nice things . And in this case it sounds a good pump would pay dividends.

Thanks for the advice about reaching out / medical provider too. That can be a conversation with her midwife and some of her friends.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Does anyone have recommendations for or advice about breast-pumps? Partner and I were watching a youtube yesterday which recommended Haakaa Silicone Pumps, seems like they have pretty good reviews and are reasonably priced.

But something about them seems too easy when there are exorbitantly priced pumps being sold at retailers.

Don't have much experience with them, but they sound safer than implants.