Things Klingon Parents tell their children

[Keith&Co.]

(contributions welcome)

Yes, there is a monster under your bed. I put it there.

Eat your dinner. There are people starving in your brother's room.

Don't hit your sister like that. First, center your stance...

It's your birthday party. If you want to pin the dagger in the Romulan, you must get control of the dagger.

Your teacher called me. She said you're not fighting with the other students.

Yes, there is a monster under your bed. If you wet the bed, it will attack.

No dating until you're sixteen. No beating the hell out of your date until you're 18.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Yes, there is a monster under your bed. You must kill it before you can start kindergarten.

If I EVER catch you activating parent controls on the Death-match Channel again....

 

[Keith&Co.]

No, Mommy and Daddy aren't getting a divorce. We're getting you a baby brother or sister!

Hush little baby/Go to sleep/The Targ of Kahless/Will chew your feet/And if your feet/Are there when you wake/Mommy's going to bake/Them into a cake.

You're not afraid of the dark, are you? Good, then go in the basement and tell Mommy you're the one who turned of the house reactor.

It's your birthday! Defend your presents from the other children!

You call that a war cry? When i was your age, i could make grandpa shit his pants!

And that's why we don't play with sonic grenades indoors. I SAID, THAT'S WHY....

 

[Potoooooooo]

those are awesome

 

[Keith&Co.]

Stop beating your head against the wall. Only nerds have flat foreheads.

Stop screeching, people will think you were born in the zoo and- Oh. Sorry, Tolag, didn't see you there.

You'll never attract that girl's attention by jumping off the roof. Not on a single-story dwelling. Let's get a ladder up there....

Daddy broke the cheese grater, so Mommy needs you to lean over her mixing bowl for a minute...

Friends who fight all the time aren't worth having as friends. Learn to refer to them as your minions...

You may have won, Chisseg, but my operatives will avenge my death. And one of them is Mommy.

 

[Keith&Co.]

We feed you, clothe you, send you to school, buy you books and what do you do? You play hooky and storm the Federation Embassy. (sniff) I've never been so proud!

Yes, you have to do what i say. Because I'm Mommy! I brought six of you into this world and I've already taken two of you out! You want me to cut a third notch in the crib?

I need some scissors. RUN AND GET ME A PAIR!

These grades dishonor the family. I begin to think you don't wish to conquer kindergarten.

A bucket of ice water over the door!?! ICE WATER?!? I happen to KNOW there is a drum of industrial solvent in the garage!

 

[Veritass]

You way to KILL? I'll give you something to KILL about!

Anyone can grow hair on their chest; it takes a real Klingon to wear it off.

 

[DrZoidberg]

Is something wrong? Why aren´t you fighting with your sister?
You won´t get dessert until you´ve killed dinner.
Any age is a good age for blood wine.
When I was your age I had already pulled both arms off a Romulan
If you get caught speeding, stop the car and pull over. When the cops reach your car, beat them to a pulp. When they are destroyed you flee.

 

[Clivedurdle]

Mutter klingonophobia

 

[Elixir]

You guys are such racists.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Nope.
I learned in the political forum that prejudices cannot be considered 'racist' unless the holder of the prejudice has the ability to act upon those prejudices with impunity, either due to having a position of authority or because society agrees with the prejudice.
Klingons would have to exist in order for me to be a racist against them.

 

[Angry Floof]

I'm definitely racist against Klingons. They're fucking idiots.

 

[bilby]

I'm definitely racist against Klingons. They're fucking idiots.

I am not a racist. Some of my best friends are Klingons.

Well, not best friends.

OK, not so much 'friends' as 'neighbours'.

Yes, I am pretty sure they are Klingons.

I saw their kid putting the bins out a few months ago, and I am sure he looked like a Klingon kid.

No of course I didn't try to get a closer look. You know those people can be dangerous and unpredictable.

But I haven't moved out, even though they live only a couple of doors down. See - I told you I am not racist.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Yes, Grandpa looks merely like a swarthy human in that photograph. It was a genetics experiment and we do not talk about it.

Did you just say Argh, matey? No, only humans have 'talk like a pirate day.' On Kronos, we have 'make your sister walk the plank day.' Keep this straight!

Why isn't the gack moving? Did you COOK perfectly good food? Who taught you this?

What's the story problem that gives you difficulty? "Three guards transport three prisoners across an alien planet that is approaching a violent impact with its own moon. There is one raft to convey people across a river to the escape shuttle, but it can only hold two people at a time. How can the three guards maintain control during the transport?" Ah. It's a trick question. Write down: It is better to die with honor than waste time with stupid story problems.

 

[Kharakov]

Go orbit Uranus.