Things that make you laugh...

[Angry Floof]

"Mouth breathing mayonnaise brigade."

 

[Keith&Co.]

Coworker has a colonoscopy tomorrow, so prepping this afternoon. And working from home.
Supervisor told him in no uncertain terms not to transmit from his bathroom today.
He asked me by text if there was anything he could do for "fun."
I told him to tell us when he drank the shit, with taste review, then an hour later say, "Whoops, did anyone hear that?"

Best ghostwriting i have ever done.

Six people in chat. Replies were, "No," and "Hear what?" and "I heard nothing," and supervisor's, "No, what did- Oh! No! No no no no no! You FUCK! You sick FUCK!"
I asked, "What did he....oh."
And Morgan Freeman's voiceover would have been, "And that's when the penny dropped. For everyone."

God, such hate. No, really it was HATE. All Caps.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I came out of the post office after checking our box. Wife did not see anything in my hands. "No mail today?"
I said, "It's a War day."
She stared. Blinked. Thought about it. "Huh?"
"War!" I repeated.
"Yeah....?"
"What is it good for?" I asked.
She rolled her eyes. That's my wife. She can not only finish my sentences (hell, she can finish my paragraphs), but she can finish my puns.

She doesn't.

But she can go straight to disappointment without the intervening steps.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, i have been trying to reach my dad since Thanksgiving. Messages on the machine, no response.
I know his friend will call me if he dies, so, he had to be alive... somewhere. The worse the news, the closer he plays it to his chest. So after ten days, I had shifted from "Which hospital?" to start wondering "Which hospice?"

Today, he forwarded me an email. So i called sgain.
Bastard had been home the whole time. But when he sees the messages on the phone, thought, "Ah, it's too late to call."
I told him after a week, he's allowed, even encouraged, to call after hours so i know he ain't dead.

He tried to shift the topic. "So, what have you been doing for fun?"
"Calling you," I said. Seven, eight messages.
"That's not fun," he replied.
"NO SHIT!!!"
And he laughdd and laughed.... jackass rat bastard.

 

[Arctish]

 

[Keith&Co.]

The company has a big push to cross-train and expand our knowledge. My division signed up for a raft of courses.
I signed up for nothing. Not because i know everything, but because i hate corporate training.
Odd, considering that my job is corporate instructor.

But that's just it. I enjoy talking about Fire Control, Strategic Weapons, or Submarines. It's what i'm paid to do. I run courses where i enjoy answering questions and explaining operations. I'm there until they stop asking questions. I give my contact information at the start and end of every course so they can ask questions or request copies of the presentations.

I get thank-you notes from people that take my courses.

Day after day, coworkers are coming back from training where it's fucking obvious they tapped someone on the shoulder, said, "You're the subject matter expert on _____. Go give a presentation on _____."
They're not people who primarily or regularly give presentations. They're not accomplished instructors.
They read the bullet statements off the powerpoint. They speed-read the bullets.
They'd rather be somewhere else doing their 'real' job, and they couldn't give a furry rat's tailbone if anyone wants to learn. They do not encourage contact.

Boss says it doesn't look good that i'm not taking any of these courses.
I told him it wouldn't look much better if i went and filled out the satisfaction survey they're required to hand out. It would be exhaustive.

He's letting the matter drop. Smart man, for middle level management.

 

[Angry Floof]

What would really make me laugh is if someone dick stomped that asshole doing the recording, pretending to be friendly and then going straight to gratuitous cruelty when the guy asked him not to record him. Actually, he should get his ass beat just for that douchebag voice alone. Fucking mongrel.

 

[TV and credit cards]

What would really make me laugh is if someone dick stomped that asshole doing the recording, pretending to be friendly and then going straight to gratuitous cruelty when the guy asked him not to record him. Actually, he should get his ass beat just for that douchebag voice alone. Fucking mongrel.

I was thinking pretty much the same thing. A little less sailor mouth, but essentially the same thing. This silly frivolous individual praises that ridiculous car and then insults the driver for being obese.
I would have went after video boy's parents. Who raises their kid to be like that? Was dad even in the picture? Did mom drink all day? Was she passed out, face down with a mouthful of shag carpet by time junior got home from school?

 

[Angry Floof]

What would really make me laugh is if someone dick stomped that asshole doing the recording, pretending to be friendly and then going straight to gratuitous cruelty when the guy asked him not to record him. Actually, he should get his ass beat just for that douchebag voice alone. Fucking mongrel.

I was thinking pretty much the same thing. A little less sailor mouth, but essentially the same thing. This silly frivolous individual praises that ridiculous car and then insults the driver for being obese.
I would have went after video boy's parents. Who raises their kid to be like that? Was dad even in the picture? Did mom drink all day? Was she passed out, face down with a mouthful of shag carpet by time junior got home from school?

He sounds more like the kind whose dad is in the picture, but it's a dad like Brock Turner's, and with a mom whose husband probably never gave her a chance to teach him how to be human, if she was inclined that way.

 

[Elixir]

 

[Keith&Co.]

Struvk a blow for the War on Xmas. Or for the War ON the War on Xmas, something.
Passed somdone at the Post Office entry. He said 'Merry Xmas,' i said 'Happy Holidays,' and he jumped my shit.
Told him there's like 13 religious holidays between Thanksgiving and, what, 6 Jan? and i wished him well for all of them.
He said Xmas is the only one that mattered.
"Ah, so then you won't mind if i tell you to fuck off today."Man, you'd think i kicked his puppy.

 

[Keith&Co.]

There's signs all over the building, offering 'Thanks to our essential workers.' I mean, all over. Every bulletin board, a few spare walls.
Walking past one, out of the corner of my eye i thought it said "thanks to our essential wankers."
Well, i thought, that's silly. Looked again. Nope. It says Wankers. Someone very carefully matched the font, sizes, etc. Nicely done. Have to give credit at least for teh effort required.

Mentioned this to a coworker. He ran out to the hall, came back, "It does not say Wanker!"
"I never said it was the one closest to us.

Now it's a game of 20 questions. "Is it the one by the West Gate?"
"No."
"Admiral's Gate?"
"No."
"Gate One?"
"I never go by Gate One. No."
"The on by the head?"
"Which head?"
"Oh, um, the one outside of where software people work?"
"SO, instead of asking if it's on the Software department bulletin board, you're asking if it's on the bulletin board near the restroom that's near the Software department's bulletin board?"
"You said 'Which head?' not 'Which bulletin board?'"

Well, he's got me there....

 

[Elixir]

Here's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!

 

[ZiprHead]

Here's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!

It's definitely got some style and ingenuity to it.

But leather brakes?

 

[Elixir]

Here's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!

It's definitely got some style and ingenuity to it.

But leather brakes?

Hey, people see that thing comin’ at ‘em, you don’t need no steenkin’ brakes!

 

[jonatha]

Here's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!

It's definitely got some style and ingenuity to it.

But leather brakes?

Doesn't look like there's a drive chain, so the leather brakes are probably sufficient...

 

[Wiploc]

There's signs all over the building, offering 'Thanks to our essential workers.' I mean, all over. Every bulletin board, a few spare walls.
Walking past one, out of the corner of my eye i thought it said "thanks to our essential wankers."
Well, i thought, that's silly. Looked again. Nope. It says Wankers. Someone very carefully matched the font, sizes, etc. Nicely done. Have to give credit at least for teh effort required.

Mentioned this to a coworker. He ran out to the hall, came back, "It does not say Wanker!"
"I never said it was the one closest to us.

Now it's a game of 20 questions. "Is it the one by the West Gate?"
"No."
"Admiral's Gate?"
"No."
"Gate One?"
"I never go by Gate One. No."
"The on by the head?"
"Which head?"
"Oh, um, the one outside of where software people work?"
"SO, instead of asking if it's on the Software department bulletin board, you're asking if it's on the bulletin board near the restroom that's near the Software department's bulletin board?"
"You said 'Which head?' not 'Which bulletin board?'"

Well, he's got me there....

You could add your own poster, thanking the non-essential workers.

 

[Keith&Co.]

There's signs all over the building, offering 'Thanks to our essential workers.' I mean, all over. Every bulletin board, a few spare walls.
Walking past one, out of the corner of my eye i thought it said "thanks to our essential wankers."
Well, i thought, that's silly. Looked again. Nope. It says Wankers. Someone very carefully matched the font, sizes, etc. Nicely done. Have to give credit at least for teh effort required.

Mentioned this to a coworker. He ran out to the hall, came back, "It does not say Wanker!"
"I never said it was the one closest to us.

Now it's a game of 20 questions. "Is it the one by the West Gate?"
"No."
"Admiral's Gate?"
"No."
"Gate One?"
"I never go by Gate One. No."
"The on by the head?"
"Which head?"
"Oh, um, the one outside of where software people work?"
"SO, instead of asking if it's on the Software department bulletin board, you're asking if it's on the bulletin board near the restroom that's near the Software department's bulletin board?"
"You said 'Which head?' not 'Which bulletin board?'"

Well, he's got me there....

You could add your own poster, thanking the non-essential workers.

For what? Not taking parking spaces?

 

[skepticalbip]

I have often wondered why the hell any business or government agency would have any non-essential workers.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I have my coworkers convincedi got last-minute desperate and got my wife a nose hair trimmer for her birthday next week.
Dead silence at the announcement.
"Het, it's a Sharper Image trimmer! Got like twenty settings and a light!"
More silence.
Then they started telling the dupervisor which of my projects they volunteered to take over after the holidays, until i get out of the cast...
"You heard me say Sharper Image, right? She keeps saying there are cool things in that catalog."

 

[bilby]

I have often wondered why the hell any business or government agency would have any non-essential workers.

They usually mean non-urgent workers.

There's a significant but often misunderstood difference between 'urgent' and 'important'.

 

[hurtinbuckaroo]

 

[Elixir]

 

[ZiprHead]

‘Anti-5G’ necklaces are radioactive and dangerous, Dutch nuclear experts say

Officials issue product alert and say ‘quantum pendants’ could damage DNA with prolonged use

www.theguardian.com

 

[Elixir]

‘Anti-5G’ necklaces are radioactive and dangerous, Dutch nuclear experts say

Officials issue product alert and say ‘quantum pendants’ could damage DNA with prolonged use

www.theguardian.com

Meh, that’s nothing that a UV light up the butt and a couple shots of Chlorox won’t cure.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Two days before xmas.
No snow on the ground.
No snow falling.
But it is 12 degrees outside, so it's beginning to look a lot like fuck this.

 

[ZiprHead]

Two days before xmas.
No snow on the ground.
No snow falling.
But it is 12 degrees outside, so it's beginning to look a lot like fuck this.

Got few inches of snow today. The main road out to the shopping area west of the city was a skating rink. An SUV with Iowa plates passed me on the right and came up behind a slower car and almost smacked into it because the brakes were pretty much ineffective. I knew when they passed they were going too fast.

26 degrees here. Tomorrow it's supposed to be in the low forties and rainy. Should get rid of the little bit of snow we have.

The older I get the less I like winter. Early December I was really dreading it.

 

[Gospel]

How Jamaicans turned something as trivial as blouse and skirts into a swear word.

​

Edit: That one was hard to explain to my white friends while they were high on weed. They couldn't stop laughing long enough to know how serious I was about not saying that around my mother.

Note: My mom used to wear a blouse and skirt for work so I knew they might say "That's a very nice blouse and skirt" or some dumb shit like that.

 

[Gospel]

Keith, it was hella funny to me. No reason to be sad.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Keith, it was hella funny to me. No reason to be sad.

Confused.


No idea what you are talking about.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Um....


Okay, see, Cassandra was RIGHT!
The doom she forecast came fucking true. There were Greeks inside that statued stallion.
And the people who mocked and insulted Cassandra DIED.
Raped, tortured, city destroyed, economy ruined, women enslaved, chariots double parked, dogs and cats living together.

In this metaphor, children three thousand years from now will read about 'the common sense of the British People' and say, rather indignantly, 'Well, _I_ would have believed the scientists' and 'Duh.' Or whatever takes the place of 'duh' by that time.

 

[Gospel]

Keith, it was hella funny to me. No reason to be sad.

Confused.


No idea what you are talking about.

No worries friend.

Blouse an skirts | Patois Definition on Jamaican Patwah

Blouse an skirts definition, pronunciation, and example sentences on Jamaican Patwah. | Blouse an skirts - Slang word, normally use when one is surprise

jamaicanpatwah.com

My mother was (and still is) a devout Jehovah's Witness. As such, any swearing however mild was unacceptable to her. She wore a blouse and skirt to work as she was an office worker at the time I lived under her roof. I had a lot of white friends that smoked weed (awesome people) and me being overly cautious because my mother was so strict, advised them not to compliment her on her outfits (it happened before) using the words blouse and skirt in that sequence.

It was very funny to me when it happened (my mom kicked my friends out of the house over it once) so wanted to share that on this thread about stuff that makes me laugh. Which is how blouse and skirt is a swear word in Jamaican.

To my mother, it was like saying holy shit.

 

[Keith&Co.]

To my mother, it was like saying holy shit.

Ah. Thanks.

Well, i guess "used when one is surprise" is not ...inaccurate.

Just seems like those two guys in Airplane. Or my theory about "200 words for snow."

I suspect an Eskimo looked out the window, said, <"Fuck! Not AGAIN?!"> in Inuit. The anthropologist asked his guide, "What did he say?"
The guide said, "he says it's snowing."
"Ah. But i thought that was <"There goes the fucking weekend!">
"It's, uh, a dfferent kind of snow."

 

[Thomas II]

Two days before xmas.
No snow on the ground.
No snow falling.
But it is 12 degrees outside, so it's beginning to look a lot like fuck this.

No snow, but for some reason, 5 shoes on the road...

 

[Patooka]

Two days before xmas.
No snow on the ground.
No snow falling.
But it is 12 degrees outside, so it's beginning to look a lot like fuck this.

I feel for you. But snide jokes aside, you're just disappointed you haven't used the halberd yet this year, aren't you?

Yeah...all things being equal I honestly sympathise. The one time of the year you can legitimately go medieval on your gutters and the fucking weather isn't cooperating.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Two days before xmas.
No snow on the ground.
No snow falling.
But it is 12 degrees outside, so it's beginning to look a lot like fuck this.

I feel for you. But snide jokes aside, you're just disappointed you haven't used the halberd yet this year, aren't you?

Yeah...all things being equal I honestly sympathise. The one time of the year you can legitimately go medieval on your gutters and the fucking weather isn't cooperating.

Wow, it's like you read my mind.

 

[James Brown]

Um....
View attachment 36469

Okay, see, Cassandra was RIGHT!
The doom she forecast came fucking true. There were Greeks inside that statued stallion.
And the people who mocked and insulted Cassandra DIED.
Raped, tortured, city destroyed, economy ruined, women enslaved, chariots double parked, dogs and cats living together.

In this metaphor, children three thousand years from now will read about 'the common sense of the British People' and say, rather indignantly, 'Well, _I_ would have believed the scientists' and 'Duh.' Or whatever takes the place of 'duh' by that time.

It's interesting, isn't it? Conservatives tell me that blue-collar workers have only themselves to blame for their poor financial prospects, because they didn't stay in school, study all the time, go to university, and find work in a high-paying intellectual career.

But educated experts are elitists and are not to be trusted.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Megahouse Pork Puzzle​

So, this chinese company sells puzzles where a cow, tuna, chicken, lamb, and a pig are assembled by cuts of meat harvested off the animal.

I assume the labels refer to cuts, anyway. Ribs, roast, ham, etc. I'd be interested if i could read the labels.
MIGHT get one or two, anyway, just on the strength of this review on Amazon.

 

[Elixir]

So, this chinese company sells puzzles where a cow, tuna, chicken, lamb, and a pig are assembled by cuts of meat harvested off the animal.

Chinese are so humane! Look how happy that pig is.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, this chinese company sells puzzles where a cow, tuna, chicken, lamb, and a pig are assembled by cuts of meat harvested off the animal.

Chinese are so humane! Look how happy that pig is.

The other side of its face has the X-for-dead eyes, and the ~ mouth.
I grow confused, too. Amazon lists China as Country Of Origin, but all the reviews are about 'growing Japan trend.'

The aminals i have found so far are pig, chicken, lamb, cow, snow crab, tuna, pufferfish.

 

[bilby]

So, this chinese company sells puzzles where a cow, tuna, chicken, lamb, and a pig are assembled by cuts of meat harvested off the animal.

Chinese are so humane! Look how happy that pig is.

The other side of its face has the X-for-dead eyes, and the ~ mouth.
I grow confused, too. Amazon lists China as Country Of Origin, but all the reviews are about 'growing Japan trend.'

The aminals i have found so far are pig, chicken, lamb, cow, snow crab, tuna, pufferfish.

The text is Japanese, so presumably it's a Japanese trend.

That it's made in China is Earth-shatteringly unsurprising. They host a vast proportion of the world's 'cheap plastic tat' manufacturing, and export to pretty much everywhere.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, this chinese company sells puzzles where a cow, tuna, chicken, lamb, and a pig are assembled by cuts of meat harvested off the animal.

Chinese are so humane! Look how happy that pig is.

The other side of its face has the X-for-dead eyes, and the ~ mouth.
I grow confused, too. Amazon lists China as Country Of Origin, but all the reviews are about 'growing Japan trend.'

The aminals i have found so far are pig, chicken, lamb, cow, snow crab, tuna, pufferfish.

The text is Japanese, so presumably it's a Japanese trend.

That it's made in China is Earth-shatteringly unsurprising. They host a vast proportion of the world's 'cheap plastic tat' manufacturing, and export to pretty much everywhere.

But if the money is going to Japan...

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Two days before xmas.
No snow on the ground.
No snow falling.
But it is 12 degrees outside, so it's beginning to look a lot like fuck this.

Nature's trying around here but you'll have to go higher to get a white Christmas. There was a post of a rainbow over the closest hiking area--but another post saying the road out there is now closed. Water, not snow.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

So, this chinese company sells puzzles where a cow, tuna, chicken, lamb, and a pig are assembled by cuts of meat harvested off the animal.

Chinese are so humane! Look how happy that pig is.

The other side of its face has the X-for-dead eyes, and the ~ mouth.
I grow confused, too. Amazon lists China as Country Of Origin, but all the reviews are about 'growing Japan trend.'

The aminals i have found so far are pig, chicken, lamb, cow, snow crab, tuna, pufferfish.

Seconded. My phone can't read anything on there when set for Chinese, but I'm getting some translations (not that they make much sense) when set for Japanese.

Confirmed: I showed my wife the picture, she can't read any of it as Chinese, she can read some of it as Japanese (she's learning, she's still far from proficient.)

 

[athee]

Keith, it was hella funny to me. No reason to be sad.

Confused.


No idea what you are talking about.

No worries friend.

Blouse an skirts | Patois Definition on Jamaican Patwah

Blouse an skirts definition, pronunciation, and example sentences on Jamaican Patwah. | Blouse an skirts - Slang word, normally use when one is surprise

jamaicanpatwah.com

My mother was (and still is) a devout Jehovah's Witness. As such, any swearing however mild was unacceptable to her. She wore a blouse and skirt to work as she was an office worker at the time I lived under her roof. I had a lot of white friends that smoked weed (awesome people) and me being overly cautious because my mother was so strict, advised them not to compliment her on her outfits (it happened before) using the words blouse and skirt in that sequence.

It was very funny to me when it happened (my mom kicked my friends out of the house over it once) so wanted to share that on this thread about stuff that makes me laugh. Which is how blouse and skirt is a swear word in Jamaican.

To my mother, it was like saying holy shit.

Yay .. another Jamaican on the board! A rare ting dat.

 

[Angry Floof]

View attachment 36401Here's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!

Wow! Look at that thing. I must say that bike is much more robust and interesting than anything I would initially associate with "Soviet." I wouldn't believe it at all if not for the rust.

 

[skepticalbip]

View attachment 36401Here's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!

Wow! Look at that thing. I must say that bike is much more robust and interesting than anything I would initially associate with "Soviet." I wouldn't believe it at all if not for the rust.

Actually, I would think that only a soviet citizen would make such a massive thing. When I think of soviet engineering, I think massive out-of-the-box designs.

A few examples:
. The Kalinin K-7 Heavy Bomber looks like something out of a sci-fi battle scene.
. The WWII T-35 heavy tank 9.72 x 3.2 x 3.43 meters and had three gun turrets.
. The Lun-class ekranoplan was a ground-effect "airplane" that was about the size of a ship and was propelled by eight jet engines.
. The N-1 rocket built in the 1960s had thirty rockets engines in the first stage.

​

​

 

[Elixir]

View attachment 36401Here's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!

Wow! Look at that thing. I must say that bike is much more robust and interesting than anything I would initially associate with "Soviet." I wouldn't believe it at all if not for the rust.

Actually, I would think that only a soviet citizen would make such a massive thing. When I think of soviet engineering, I think massive out-of-the-box designs.

A few examples:
. The Kalinin K-7 Heavy Bomber looks like something out of a sci-fi battle scene.
. The WWII T-35 heavy tank 9.72 x 3.2 x 3.43 meters and had three gun turrets.
. The Lun-class ekranoplan was a ground-effect "airplane" that was about the size of a ship and was propelled by eight jet engines.
. The N-1 rocket built in the 1960s had thirty rockets engines in the first stage.

​

​

And all of them were scrapped to build the bike in the picture.

 

[Angry Floof]

View attachment 36401Here's a Hand made Soviet era Russian bike.
This thing is too cool!!

Wow! Look at that thing. I must say that bike is much more robust and interesting than anything I would initially associate with "Soviet." I wouldn't believe it at all if not for the rust.

Actually, I would think that only a soviet citizen would make such a massive thing. When I think of soviet engineering, I think massive out-of-the-box designs.

A few examples:
. The Kalinin K-7 Heavy Bomber looks like something out of a sci-fi battle scene.
. The WWII T-35 heavy tank 9.72 x 3.2 x 3.43 meters and had three gun turrets.
. The Lun-class ekranoplan was a ground-effect "airplane" that was about the size of a ship and was propelled by eight jet engines.
. The N-1 rocket built in the 1960s had thirty rockets engines in the first stage.

​

​

Good point. When I think "soviet," I think potholes, drab institutional apartment buildings, and rusting playground equipment.

But now I'm thinking it looks like it might have been made in Cuba. Edit: except a Cuban bike would be shiny and colorful, but just as big and frankensteined.

 

[ZiprHead]

Good point. When I think "soviet," I think potholes, drab institutional apartment buildings, and rusting playground equipment.

Sounds just like Michigan.