Things that make you laugh...

[Wiploc]

I Was A Cable Guy. I Saw The Worst Of America.

I am reminded of one of the funniest pages on the internet.

In Which I Fix My Girlfriend's Grandparent's Wifi and Am Hailed As A Conquering Hero.

 

[Trausti]

 

[paladin.oa]

And that's why you wear safety glasses kids!

In a more serious tone, holy fucking shit was that guy lucky!!!

 

[Keith&Co.]

Posting here because we don't have an 'I'm gonna burn in hell' thread.

Picked up a few things at the supermarket. Put a divider down and the woman behind me put her order on the belt.
Seven bags of coffee grounds and a cucumber.
I coukd not stop myself from comment. 'Binge watching Twilight tonight?'
The woman, about 70, just stared at me...

The clerk asked for my buyer membership card, but i don't have one. She nodded and went to ring me up.

Coffee&Cuke snapped, "Well, talk him into getting one!"
And as the clerk dutifully began telling me ALL the benefits of have my every purchase tracked, and how easy it eas to get, i thought to myself, 'bitch, what did i ever do to you?' And then remembered. 'Oh. Yeah.'

 

[Keith&Co.]

The thread about useless jobs in business reminded me, a coworker's daughter who got a job at a company that doesn't have an HR department.

What they have is this desk with all the relevant HR books, and if you have an HR issue, you go look it up.
So several people here are wondering if our HR department is all that necessary.

I have to wonder, if my coworker wanted to file a complaint about me, would I have to write myself up, or would they be the one chewing me out? Because then it would be hard to pretend to any level of anonymity.

"Keith, someone didn't appreciate your behavior in the mandatory training last week."

"Janet, I wasn't replying to what you said, I was talking to Josh about something completely different!"

"SOMEONE thought the comment was remarkably well-timed for a... coincidence."

"That's kinda the definition OF coincidence, Janet. If it wasn't well-timed, it would be a non-event."

"Well, SOMEONE was reminded of a previous incident in your file."

"You mean the last time you made me come sit at The Desk with you, Janet?"

"STOP SAYING MY NAME, this is AN ANONYMOUS PROCESS!"





....So maybe Marsha's job isn't all that useless...

 

[Keith&Co.]

My department had a party last night.

Dinner, door prizes, Karaoke.

Many people suggested that i sing something.

Keith does not sing. Keith had a traumatic school year after his voice broke during glee club auditions. No singing. Not even lullabies to our children.

So i said no. Everyone said no at least once. But everyone else's 'no' is more of a 'you will have to talk me into it.'

My 'no' is different. It comes closer to denying admittance to the Balrog. The Karaoke organizer grabbed my arm, saw my face, flinched two feet back. "I thought you were going to CUT me!" she cried.
"Of course not," i assured her. "You let go."

 

[Keith&Co.]

Bought my wife an F bomb a while back.
A plush grey bomb, looks like something out of Dr Strangelove, with a big F on the side. She has it on her desk in case her students drive her to dropping the F bomb.

Another teacher was organizing a discussion group, needed something to use as a Talking Stick. Only the one holding the stick can talk.

Mrs. &co tossed her the F bomb. Went right over her head.

HALF the students got the joke. Came into her class after, saying, "Man, Miss Smith had us flipping the f-bomb all OVER the room for, like an hour."
Other student, "What are you talking about, everyone was calm and respectful. I didn't hear one swear word the whole time. I was quite relieved."

Wife had to break it to her gently. "Yes, Janelle, i heard that you dropped the F bomb."

"No, never! I didn't even swear when Wayne tossed me the rocket and i dropped it!"
"That was no rocket, dear...."

 

[Angry Floof]

OMG, some people talking about L. Ron Hubbard trying to be reincarnated but keeps getting aborted over and over...

Not that abortion is funny. Nor is it at all funny that cult members in the Sea Org are forced to get abortions if a pregnancy stands in the way of cult profits.

What's funny is that L. Ron had an obsession with abortion that is clear in Dianetics and other writings. It seems he thought that everyone's mother tried to abort them at some point and most of us are just failed abortion attempts.

So given all that, thinking of that fucking demented bastard trying to reincarnate and getting aborted over and over is pretty damn funny.

 

[George S]

"You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you start a religion." Response [by L. Ron] to a question from the audience during a meeting of the Eastern Science Fiction Association on (7 November 1948), as quoted in a 1994 affidavit by Sam Moskowitz.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I arrive at the drug store at1840 hours. Straight to a clerk.

"Quick, where do you keep the laxatives?"
She led me off, looking over her shoulder. I realized she was watching me walk.
She asked, "How bad is it?"

'Oh, it's not for me. I am informed," a finger count of one, "it is painful," two, "it is not very damned funny," three, "my next pun will be my last."
She laughed, pointed to the shelf, then asked, "Pun?"

"Not gonna repeat them. She... will know."

Seriously, i think i could cheat on her more easily than get away with a constpation joke right... oop. She's calling gotta go

 

[Keith&Co.]

The stuff worked by bedtime.

She came out of the bathroom, pointing over her shoulder. "That student i gave detention for saying i was full of shit? I may owe him an apology."

 

[thebeave]

Ordered a fancy screwdriver on Amazon a couple of days ago, and it arrived this afternoon. So, I notice the bubble envelope seems a bit big for just a screwdriver, and when I open it up, sure enough there is (in addition to my screwdriver) a 24 pack of Trojan "Nirvana" condoms. Dafuq? Double checked my order, and nope, I didn't accidentally order condoms. Without making this too much of a sad story, let's just say there is no immediate need for me to have a 24 pack of condoms at the bedside. So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them...make balloon animals? Protective coverings for my cucumbers and bananas?

Looks like they cost $14.95. For that money, I wish they would have sent me some reading glasses or bunion pads or something I can use. God I feel old.

 

[Angry Floof]

Ordered a fancy screwdriver on Amazon a couple of days ago, and it arrived this afternoon. So, I notice the bubble envelope seems a bit big for just a screwdriver, and when I open it up, sure enough there is (in addition to my screwdriver) a 24 pack of Trojan "Nirvana" condoms. Dafuq? Double checked my order, and nope, I didn't accidentally order condoms. Without making this too much of a sad story, let's just say there is no immediate need for me to have a 24 pack of condoms at the bedside. So, I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them...make balloon animals? Protective coverings for my cucumbers and bananas?

Looks like they cost $14.95. For that money, I wish they would have sent me some reading glasses or bunion pads or something I can use. God I feel old.

Fun idea. Take them to the next family gathering. Blow one up like a balloon and shoot it out into the crowd like a beach ball at a concert.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Looks like they cost $14.95. For that money, I wish they would have sent me some reading glasses or bunion pads or something I can use.

Fun idea. Take them to the next family gathering. Blow one up like a balloon and shoot it out into the crowd like a beach ball at a concert.

Hmmm. Fun.

My first thought was to get a box of Chick tracts, and a jar of mayonnaise. Unroll them, add a dollop, and leave 'soiled' condoms between the pages of littering missionary volleys.

 

[Keith&Co.]

So, I found some lollipops shaped like dinosaurs.
I found a Halloween basket shaped like a dinosaur.
I rode around the cubicles on my dinosaur, distributing dinolollis from my dinobasket and all people ask is:
"Is this some sort of holiday I don't know about?"

Um, yeah. It's Wednesday.

 

[ronburgundy]

"I only date anti-vaxx women, because then I'll only need to pay 5 years of child support instead of 18."

Comment seen on Twitter.

 

[ZiprHead]

So, I found some lollipops shaped like dinosaurs.
I found a Halloween basket shaped like a dinosaur.
I rode around the cubicles on my dinosaur, distributing dinolollis from my dinobasket and all people ask is:
"Is this some sort of holiday I don't know about?"

Um, yeah. It's Wednesday.
View attachment 19936

Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike! What daaay iiis it?

 

[paladin.oa]

So, I found some lollipops shaped like dinosaurs.
I found a Halloween basket shaped like a dinosaur.
I rode around the cubicles on my dinosaur, distributing dinolollis from my dinobasket and all people ask is:
"Is this some sort of holiday I don't know about?"

Um, yeah. It's Wednesday.
View attachment 19936

Oh my god! You are my hero! (Really loves dinosaurs and the T-Rex in particular)

Now gimme a lollipop!

 

[Keith&Co.]

Saw a guy in the parking lot this afternoon. Figured he must love winter because he was moon walking.
Turns out it wasn't voluntary. He's a new hire. Been in Massachusetts about a week, tranferring from Florida. First time on ice...

As i drew near, i heard him screaming out the temperature in Orlando, in Puerto Rico, in god damned any place humans live....

 

[Angry Floof]

Undercover police posing as drug buyers arrested by undercover police posing as drug dealer