1- Controlled substance search must involve searching under the comb-over...or removing it entirely, if...
2- Cavity search not required unless staff is fully briefed and offered supplemental hazardous risk pay.
3- After the next gag order violation, Trump must be transported to rallies while strapped to a dolly and wearing a goalie mask, a la the late great H.L.
4- Absolutely no association with former gang members, which includes most of SCOTUS, House Repubs, and Fox and Friends.
5- Probationer's citing of any aspect of the Bible (i.e., "One Corinthians") will be taken as prima facie evidence of deception and insincere attestations to probation officer.
6- Probation officers are encouraged to address probationer as Offender Trump, Criminal Trump, 34-Fold Felon Trump, or Orange Shit Gibbon.
7- Temperature in probation office to be maintained at 55 degrees F. Probationer's chair: metal folding chair, no arm rest. Officer may wear Arctic explorer team gear. Probationer, because of security requirements, to be in shirt sleeves. Appointment duration: 75 min. minimum.
8- If possible, and because of diversity initiative, officers assigned to the case should be African American women of various ages, from new hires to 40-year veterans. Not just one age bracket.
9- Probation terms to be extended one (1) month for each time probationer uses terms 'disgrace' or 'banana republic'.
10- Probationer to wear orange 'WARD OF STATE' shirt to all appointments.
