Why don't people report rape or sexual abuse/assault?

[Juma]

I did not call her a liar. I explicitly said that I do not know if her allegations are true (she did not offer any evidence for sure) but that the timing is suspect.

Nah, you didnt call her a liar, you only said that she lied...

 

[whichphilosophy]

You don't "discuss" anything, Derec. You denigrate and ridicule the victims, imply that all rape victims are liars, and go out of your way to pretend rape doesn't exist.

Wrong, wrong and wrong.
For example, I never said that Lady Gaga was a liar, just that she didn't offer any evidence and that you have no way of knowing that she was really raped. Despite that obvious fact, you stated her claim as fact, in all caps to boot.

Like anything, we cannot confirm or reject claims of rape or any other crimes until the evidence has been presented. This does not mean Lady Gaga is automatically wrong or staging this for some reason. Some people have raised false claims and some have not.

 

[RavenSky]

You don't "discuss" anything, Derec. You denigrate and ridicule the victims, imply that all rape victims are liars, and go out of your way to pretend rape doesn't exist.

Wrong, wrong and wrong.
For example, I never said that Lady Gaga was a liar, just that she didn't offer any evidence and that you have no way of knowing that she was really raped. Despite that obvious fact, you stated her claim as fact, in all caps to boot.

Do you assume that everything every person ever tells you is false? Should I assume that everything you ever say about yourself is false just because I wasn't there to witness it? She is not testifying in a court of law, and neither were you when you gave us your history of poor results romancing women. Should we demand evidence of your claims and imply that you are not telling the truth to us, too?

She said she was raped at the age of 19. She didn't name the rapist so no man's reputation is on the line here. There is no criminal case involved, so no - her every word does not need to be back-up with impartial evidence (that you would flatly reject anyway ).

Moreover, she is putting her considerable talent, wealth and celebrity into actually trying to help other victims of sexual assault, yet you belittle that too!

Until she gives me a good reason to think she is lying about this, I will assume she is telling the truth... exactly as I assumed you were telling the truth about your history.

Are you suggesting I was wrong to assume you tell the truth?

 

[Toni]

It's years past and I'm talking now, more or less publicly, albeit anonymously. Does this negate what happened to me? Am I unbelievable? You don't know me at all. Are you inclined to believe me? Or am I a lying slut? I have no idea what any of the other women I've mentioned have said or done. None of us are famous, even a little bit.

But really, except for the fame part, if I spoke publicly about any of this---well, who would care? There would be no TV cameras, no journalists who would care. Family and friends of the assailants in each of these incidents would vehemently deny that there was any assault. Or each of us asked for it. She was married to him, after all, right? They were dating--he was just trying to woo her back when she wanted to break up.

The only difference is whether or not you'd ever hear a word about it. And of course, you would not.

But really, it's no different the level of fame or wealth. Some people talk about it. They are very brave. Some people do not--also often for very brave reasons.

Personally, I wrestle with not having come forward about the first person who sexually assaulted me. Now, I know I was not the last but by the time I learned of the others--none of whom were going to report, no way---there is no way I would have been believed. I had very good reasons for not saying anything at the time. Mostly because I was very young. The reasons were true for many years. Now, all the people who could have been hurt by the reveal are all dead. But not the other victims. Not the ones I know about for sure. And I wrestle with whether I had said anything would have affected anyone for the better. I have no doubt my life would have been hell. I have serious doubts anything would have happened to him. But I don't know. I was very young, very naïve, very ignorant. I had a lot to lose. At least as much as my attacker. I think more, but then, it's me, so I would think that.

How is this any different than Lady Gaga? I mean, she can sing and I cannot. She's famous and I am not, nor do I want to be. But really, what else is different except that the only platform I have is personal and anonymous and she's famous enough to be listened to?

Why would I be believable?

I am sorry that that happened to you. I appreciate you telling us about it. In particular I appreciate the potential risk you are taking, the fear, and even sacrifice by putting yourself out there to possibly be insulted, humiliated, or to be re-traumatized for no particular reason than the memories coming up. I hope that someone will be able to learn something from your participation.

I appreciate your sentiment but I don't particularly feel as though I risked anything by writing about this in this thread. I've done so on this board before. I don't need sympathy or an apologies.

As I mentioned, it was a long time ago, and the people who would have been hurt by the revelations are dead. I consider this discussion to be absolutely risk free because I realize completely who the people are who are objecting to women talking about their past sexual assaults and rapes--without providing video, corroborating details, the testimony of at least 4 male witnesses, and lab evidence. I even understand why at least some of them raise so many and such loud disgusting 'objections.'

My biggest debate over talking about this on this forum is whether or not I should, knowing that certain people really, really, really get off on details. And I mean: get off. They pretend they want to examine evidence but I think we all know what they really want. Oh, and the opportunity to prove that it wasnt' really rape, that women are liars, sluts, asking for it. I'm not sure which is the biggest thrill: the thought of viewing a rape, or the opportunity to declare that it wasn't really rape after all and to keep up that perpetual loop of assault/defense/denial of events. Makes the whole experience last longer for the pervs who get off on that sort of thing.

Re: Lady Gaga and her reveal. Despite what some people think or seem to want to believe, rape and sexual assault need not destroy a person's life. I'm pretty happy with my life and rarely think about being assaulted. I've had a pretty normal life, normal romances, a long time marriage, career, kids. Lady Gaga has had a wildly successful career and is moving forward in that. The thing about her reveal, mine, anyone's revelation of previous sexual assault: It's far, far, far too common an occurrence. It can and does happen to people from any and all walks of life, but particularly to the young and vulnerable, and more often to girls and women but also to boys and men. But it's also survivable. People can and do go on to build good lives for themselves. Those are the two powerful messages: It can happen to anyone and you can survive and build a successful, happy life despite the attempt by some rapist to destroy you, to wipe you out.

I wish I understood what could be done to fix or reform or heal those who sexually assault, exploit, rape other people. Most of the perpetrators are male. So far, the biggest effort any male on this forum has made about preventing rape is: they don't personally rape women. Oh, and women should be better educated about how to prevent being raped. As if this isn't something we grow up hearing about, learning about every single day of our lives, from puberty forward, which, sadly enough is too late for some children and far too little for any victim.

Why doesn't anyone seem interested in preventing rape by changing how men behave? Their attitudes towards women, towards sex, towards power, entitlement?