Why don't people report rape or sexual abuse/assault?

[Cheerful Charlie]

People don't report it because they don't immediately want to relive it and reactions like this.

Often the circumstances put part of the blame in the victim's mind. "I shouldn't have went there", "I did like him at first", "I should not have had that much to drink", "I should not have worn that", "If I had fought back more", etc...

They feel weak and vulnerable and do not want to expose their vulnerability or suffer shame.

All to often, it becomes a problem if it gets to court because women end up being savaged to the point it is almost worse than the rap itself. also since many women are raped by friends and people known to them, this blame the victim sort of crap becomes truly corrosive and destructive, not like having to report a rape by a total stranger.

 

[Nexus]

In all honesty, and I suspect I can speak here for all rape and sexual assault survivors, we really don't give a shit what you are "inclined" to think on this subject.

Of course they care. Anyone that speaks publicly about something cares what others think about the subject.

 

[RavenSky]

In all honesty, and I suspect I can speak here for all rape and sexual assault survivors, we really don't give a shit what you are "inclined" to think on this subject.

Of course they care. Anyone that speaks publicly about something cares what others think about the subject.

No. We really don't. We fully understand that lots of people are going to say ridiculous stuff like you and Derec did in this thread. Again, I think I can safely speak for most of the rape survivors you are referring to - we may eventually speak out publicly for the benefit of other rape survivors, or young women who haven't yet been raped.

Someone in Lady Gaga's position can do one hell of a lot of good by speaking out about her experience now. She can help young women who feel shamed into silence not feel like they should be ashamed. She can help women who are still allowing the fear and hurt affect their lives see that success is still possible in spite of being raped.

Lady Gaga doesn't give two shits if you believe her or not. You are not who she is speaking out to.

 

[Nexus]

No. We really don't. We fully understand that lots of people are going to say ridiculous stuff like you and Derec did in this thread.

If this were true, rape survivors wouldn't list all the reasons Toni mentioned earlier for not reporting the rape.

dread of telling, of being identified as a rape victim, of not being believed. Of being blamed.

Shame requires caring what others think.

Lady Gaga doesn't give two shits if you believe her or not. You are not who she is speaking out to.

Lady Gaga's publicity antics like meat dresses etc proves beyond all doubt she cares very much what I and other think about her.

 

[RavenSky]

So, exactly as I suspected, Lady Gaga is opening up about her personal experience in order to help other women. And more than just talking about it, she is using her wealth and celebrity to fund a nonprofit organization for victims of sexual assault.

Lady Gaga has made major strides as an advocate for victims of sexual violence, both through her nonprofit work and her musical tribute “Til It Happens To You,” which was featured in The Hunting Ground, a documentary on campus rape. Part of her motivation to contribute to the cause is personal experience: late last year, she first opened up about being raped as a teenager by a producer she was working with. At a TimesTalks panel yesterday (Dec. 10) to promote The Hunting Ground, the singer elaborated on her experience, sharing just how challenging it was to overcome.

[YOUTUBE]https://www.yahoo.com/music/lady-gaga-opens-up-about-surviving-rape-it-172711165.html[/YOUTUBE]

Good video worth watching, too

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZmWBrN7QV6Y

 

[Bronzeage]

Burglary is an under reported crime, for many reasons. Some people don't report it because it means letting the police into their residence, which can be intrusive. A lot of people know there is very little chance the anything will ever be recovered and no one will be caught, so they clean up the mess and move on. There's lots of reasons.

If they happen to mention it, years later, no one is going to say, "I'd believe you, if you had called the police."

 

[Toni]

For others, it was fear and dread of consequences. One was a friend who was raped by her husband. She didn't want their kids to know. She didn't want the publicity. They were both public figures in our community. For others, it involved dread of telling, of being identified as a rape victim, of not being believed. Of being blamed. Of harming family relationships or friendships. All of the assaults involved family or friend relationships. Most rapes do.

All of these are understandable reasons for not going to the police. But my initial post was about people that don't go to the police YET make the rape know publicly. Those are the people I'm skeptical of. I would understand someone going public first if their attacker(s) were police, a judge or district attorney.

It's years past and I'm talking now, more or less publicly, albeit anonymously. Does this negate what happened to me? Am I unbelievable? You don't know me at all. Are you inclined to believe me? Or am I a lying slut? I have no idea what any of the other women I've mentioned have said or done. None of us are famous, even a little bit.

But really, except for the fame part, if I spoke publicly about any of this---well, who would care? There would be no TV cameras, no journalists who would care. Family and friends of the assailants in each of these incidents would vehemently deny that there was any assault. Or each of us asked for it. She was married to him, after all, right? They were dating--he was just trying to woo her back when she wanted to break up.

The only difference is whether or not you'd ever hear a word about it. And of course, you would not.

But really, it's no different the level of fame or wealth. Some people talk about it. They are very brave. Some people do not--also often for very brave reasons.

Personally, I wrestle with not having come forward about the first person who sexually assaulted me. Now, I know I was not the last but by the time I learned of the others--none of whom were going to report, no way---there is no way I would have been believed. I had very good reasons for not saying anything at the time. Mostly because I was very young. The reasons were true for many years. Now, all the people who could have been hurt by the reveal are all dead. But not the other victims. Not the ones I know about for sure. And I wrestle with whether I had said anything would have affected anyone for the better. I have no doubt my life would have been hell. I have serious doubts anything would have happened to him. But I don't know. I was very young, very naïve, very ignorant. I had a lot to lose. At least as much as my attacker. I think more, but then, it's me, so I would think that.

How is this any different than Lady Gaga? I mean, she can sing and I cannot. She's famous and I am not, nor do I want to be. But really, what else is different except that the only platform I have is personal and anonymous and she's famous enough to be listened to?

Why would I be believable?

 

[Toni]

Shame requires caring what others think.

No. It does not. I felt a great deal of shame when I was assaulted as a young girl. Not because of what anyone else thought. Because of what I thought which more or less was: why couldn't I have prevented the attacks? How could I have been so stupid?

Lady Gaga doesn't give two shits if you believe her or not. You are not who she is speaking out to.

Lady Gaga's publicity antics like meat dresses etc proves beyond all doubt she cares very much what I and other think about her.

Probably a lot less than you would imagine.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

Whether and not it happened (and neither I nor anyone else her has any way of knowing whether it did), the fact that her musical career is waning makes the timing of the allegations quite a bit suspect - it reeks of a publicity stunt.

Derec, is there anything that would make you believe a rape accusation?

 

[Godless Raven]

If somebody came to me and told me they were raped 10 years ago, the last fucking thing that would come to my mind is "I wonder why this person would make up something like that, if they are making it up". I guess it's possible they could be lying, but why in the fuck would anyone assume that's likely? Statistics would indicate she/he could have been raped. They are sharing something incredibly personal and hurtful many years after the fact and I may be one of the first people they felt they could trust to share that information with. Unless I knew the person myself and knew they were a pathological liar...I couldn't imagine how paranoid and delusional I'd have to be to....just saying

 

[abaddon]

It seems only reasonable to take women at their word and not doubt them unless there’s a person named as the attacker. It’s then and only then that “We sympathize but we need better evidence than only your word to threaten the reputation and liberty of the accused person” would apply.

But here, it’s more like saying “Veterans suffer trauma from war so something should be done” or “Something needs to be done for abused children” than like an accusation. So why do some men take it personally?

It’s not like this means someone’s going to jail from this. Applying “I don’t believe it without better evidence” in this context can only have an irrational motivation. And then when you add some half-ass reasons for the cynicism and suspicion, like ‘she’s an attention whore’ or ‘she’s a promiscuous woman’, then that makes it a bit clearer what it is: Some males take the mention of rape personally, as if they themselves are implicated and threatened.

 

[Derec]

Derec, is there anything that would make you believe a rape accusation?

Evidence.

 

[Derec]

So, exactly as I suspected, Lady Gaga is opening up about her personal experience in order to help other women. And more than just talking about it, she is using her wealth and celebrity to fund a nonprofit organization for victims of sexual assault.

She is participating in that propaganda piece "Hunting Ground" which is basically yet another instance of rape hysteria. It involves overinflating the problem of campus rape (including redefining "rape" to include any regretted and/or drunken hookup) and believing any accuser, no matter how untrustworthy, such as the Mattress Girl.

 

[Ford]

Derec, is there anything that would make you believe a rape accusation?

Evidence.

I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say that you're ambivalent about that OKC cop who was convicted of raping 13 women.

 

[Derec]

I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say that you're ambivalent about that OKC cop who was convicted of raping 13 women.

I already said that the evidence is strong and that he deserved to be convicted, but that I also think life in prison is way too harsh given all the murderers who get significantly less.

 

[whichphilosophy]

I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say that you're ambivalent about that OKC cop who was convicted of raping 13 women.

I already said that the evidence is strong and that he deserved to be convicted, but that I also think life in prison is way too harsh given all the murderers who get significantly less.

This takes into account 13 counts which adds up to a lot of years.

 

[Loren Pechtel]

If somebody came to me and told me they were raped 10 years ago, the last fucking thing that would come to my mind is "I wonder why this person would make up something like that, if they are making it up". I guess it's possible they could be lying, but why in the fuck would anyone assume that's likely? Statistics would indicate she/he could have been raped. They are sharing something incredibly personal and hurtful many years after the fact and I may be one of the first people they felt they could trust to share that information with. Unless I knew the person myself and knew they were a pathological liar...I couldn't imagine how paranoid and delusional I'd have to be to....just saying

It's also possible that they fell under the spell of one of these "therapists" who blames so many troubles on repressed memories of sexual abuse of some kind.

 

[Don2 (Don1 Revised)]

All of these are understandable reasons for not going to the police. But my initial post was about people that don't go to the police YET make the rape know publicly. Those are the people I'm skeptical of. I would understand someone going public first if their attacker(s) were police, a judge or district attorney.

It's years past and I'm talking now, more or less publicly, albeit anonymously. Does this negate what happened to me? Am I unbelievable? You don't know me at all. Are you inclined to believe me? Or am I a lying slut? I have no idea what any of the other women I've mentioned have said or done. None of us are famous, even a little bit.

But really, except for the fame part, if I spoke publicly about any of this---well, who would care? There would be no TV cameras, no journalists who would care. Family and friends of the assailants in each of these incidents would vehemently deny that there was any assault. Or each of us asked for it. She was married to him, after all, right? They were dating--he was just trying to woo her back when she wanted to break up.

The only difference is whether or not you'd ever hear a word about it. And of course, you would not.

But really, it's no different the level of fame or wealth. Some people talk about it. They are very brave. Some people do not--also often for very brave reasons.

Personally, I wrestle with not having come forward about the first person who sexually assaulted me. Now, I know I was not the last but by the time I learned of the others--none of whom were going to report, no way---there is no way I would have been believed. I had very good reasons for not saying anything at the time. Mostly because I was very young. The reasons were true for many years. Now, all the people who could have been hurt by the reveal are all dead. But not the other victims. Not the ones I know about for sure. And I wrestle with whether I had said anything would have affected anyone for the better. I have no doubt my life would have been hell. I have serious doubts anything would have happened to him. But I don't know. I was very young, very naïve, very ignorant. I had a lot to lose. At least as much as my attacker. I think more, but then, it's me, so I would think that.

How is this any different than Lady Gaga? I mean, she can sing and I cannot. She's famous and I am not, nor do I want to be. But really, what else is different except that the only platform I have is personal and anonymous and she's famous enough to be listened to?

Why would I be believable?

I am sorry that that happened to you. I appreciate you telling us about it. In particular I appreciate the potential risk you are taking, the fear, and even sacrifice by putting yourself out there to possibly be insulted, humiliated, or to be re-traumatized for no particular reason than the memories coming up. I hope that someone will be able to learn something from your participation.

 

[Don2 (Don1 Revised)]

If somebody came to me and told me they were raped 10 years ago, the last fucking thing that would come to my mind is "I wonder why this person would make up something like that, if they are making it up". I guess it's possible they could be lying, but why in the fuck would anyone assume that's likely? Statistics would indicate she/he could have been raped. They are sharing something incredibly personal and hurtful many years after the fact and I may be one of the first people they felt they could trust to share that information with. Unless I knew the person myself and knew they were a pathological liar...I couldn't imagine how paranoid and delusional I'd have to be to....just saying

It's also possible that they fell under the spell of one of these "therapists" who blames so many troubles on repressed memories of sexual abuse of some kind.

It's possible theoretically, especially if they are very young, like 11 or 12 where 10 years ago they'd be 1 or 2 when the rape happened and under the additional condition that they have been going to see a hypnotherapist. However, this simply isn't the case for 99.99% of people that are going to tell you about it. So, like Godless Raven said, this would be the last kind of thing to come up in someone's mind.

 

[Don2 (Don1 Revised)]

I'm gonna take a wild guess here and say that you're ambivalent about that OKC cop who was convicted of raping 13 women.

I already said that the evidence is strong and that he deserved to be convicted, but that I also think life in prison is way too harsh given all the murderers who get significantly less.

You're right in that murder is a pretty strong crime to commit, but so is rape or at least it can be. His 13 rape victims and their families will also have to live with this, like a murder victim's family has to live with the effects of the murder. What do you imagine the victims and their families are going to go through here?