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A congressman visits a remote Native American reservation and the chief shows him around. The congressman says, "I appreciate the support your people have given me in the past. What are some problems you have, that I could help with?"
The chief says, "We have three big problems, and we've had them for years. First, we have a clinic building, but we have no doctor."
The congressman says, "I can fix that. I'll call HHS." He whips out his phone, punches in a number, and talks for several minutes. He tells the chief, "They're on it. Don't be surprised if you have a new doctor very, very soon."
The chief says, "Okay, then. Our second problem is drinking water. There's a mine up on the mountain, and the owner dumps all the mine waste into our water supply. We have to buy bottled water, and it's just too expensive."
The congressman says, "I can fix that. Let me call Land Management." He dials a number and talks for several minutes. He says, "They're on it. You should find that water problem clears up in the very near future."
The chief says, "Okay, then. Our third problem is that there's no cell phone reception for miles around."
 
ideologyhunter said:
A congressman visits a remote Native American reservation and the chief shows him around. The congressman says, "I appreciate the support your people have given me in the past. What are some problems you have, that I could help with?"
The chief says, "We have three big problems, and we've had them for years. First, we have a clinic building, but we have no doctor."
The congressman says, "I can fix that. I'll call HHS." He whips out his phone, punches in a number, and talks for several minutes. He tells the chief, "They're on it. Don't be surprised if you have a new doctor very, very soon."
The chief says, "Okay, then. Our second problem is drinking water. There's a mine up on the mountain, and the owner dumps all the mine waste into our water supply. We have to buy bottled water, and it's just too expensive."
The congressman says, "I can fix that. Let me call Land Management." He dials a number and talks for several minutes. He says, "They're on it. You should find that water problem clears up in the very near future."
The chief says, "Okay, then. Our third problem is that there's no cell phone reception for miles around."
Click to expand...
my first thought was that he was using a satellite phone. But funny nonetheless.
 
“When I heard Mitch McConnell was in the hospital I thought I really couldn't care less. Then Lindsey Graham died and I thought, wow, I guess I really can care less!
-Gregg Rogell
 
A salesman finishes his rounds and gets directions to the nearest bar. He's about to go in when a nun steps in front of him and holds up a cross. She says, "Stop! Oh, sir, please don't go in there. You think it will make you happy, but only God can make you happy."
He's about to tell her off, but he reconsiders. He says, "Sister, I know you're trying to do good here, but it's pretty silly. I bet you've never had a sip of whisky -- really good whisky -- in your life. You haven't, have you?"
She looks down and says, "Well...I..."
The salesman says, "I thought so! Suppose I bring you out a small drink of whisky. Then you'd know what you're talking about."
After a long pause she says, "Well, that's only fair. But have them serve it in a paper cup. I can't let anyone see me drinking liquor out here."
He goes in and tells the barkeep, "Make mine a double Johnnie Walker Blue. And pour out another shot in a paper cup."
The barkeep says, "What, is that damn nun out there again?"
 
A minister decides to skip church one Sunday. He phones in sick and throws his golf bag in the car. He drives an hour to a remote golf course and walks onto the green.
He's being watched from a cloud bank by sister and brother angels, Baby and Impy. Baby says, "Check out that smug look on his face. He skipped church, and he's smiling! I want to mess him up so bad."
Impy says, "Leave this to me." The minister tees up, aims, swings, and hits the ball. Impy leans over the edge of the cloud, puffs up his cheeks, and begins to blow. The ball sails down the green, bounces, skitters, straightens out, rolls right up to the hole and drops in. The minister gives a mighty shout of glee and says, "YES!!"
Baby digs Impy with her elbow and says, "That's what you call messing him up?"
Impy says, "Sure do. Who's he gonna tell?"
 
Trump shows up at the gates of heaven in a business suit, rolling a massive suitcase behind him. He is stopped by a concierge angel. Trump says, "You know who I am. Open those gates immediately."
The angel says, "I know who you are, but you're not on my list."
Trump says, "You must be a very stupid angel. Here's a letter, signed by a huge number of very important ministers. It says I belong here."
The angel waves the letter away. He says, "I don't know anything about that. And here's another thing. You're supposed to show up naked. We provide the robe and halo. No one told you that?"
Trump says, "Trump doesn't show up naked. My junk is so big, I've had nurses faint when they saw it."
The angel says, "We'll both pretend you didn't say that. Here's another problem. That suitcase. You're not allowed to bring anything with you."
Trump says, "Oh, no, this stays with me. I had Todd Blanche arrange the details. I'm allowed to have this. It is very, very important, and very, very heavenly."
The angel says, "We'll see about this." He hefts the suitcase onto a table and opens it. Inside are stacks of gold bars. The angel says, "You dumbass. You came to heaven with paving bricks??"
 
Dorothy from Kansas and her three friends go to Emerald City Sno Cones. They all order kingsize raspberry sno cones and start eating. After a minute or so, Dorothy stops, moans in pain, and presses her hands to her temples. The lion does the same thing a minute later. The tin man joins in, and they're all three moaning in pain. The scarecrow says, "What the hell's the matter with you guys? Mine's delicious!!"
 
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