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Joke gallery

>> THE HAIRCUT
>>
>>
>> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the
>> cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot
>> accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
>>
>> The florist was pleased and left the shop.
>>
>> When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
>> there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him
>> at his door.
>>
>>
>>
>> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to
>> pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money
>> from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was
>> happy and left the shop.
>>
>>
>>
>> The next morning when the barber went to open up, there
>> was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
>>
>>
>>
>> Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went
>> to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money
>> from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
>>
>> The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a
>> dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
>>
>>
>>
>> And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
>> the citizens of the U.S. and the politicians who run it.
>>
>>
>>
>> As Ronald Reagan said:
>>
>>
>> BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
 
"As Ronald Reagan said:
>>
>>
>> BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!"
Click to expand...

I thought it was Barry Cryer who said that. In fact I knew he said it; I've heard him, but I thought he said it first. So I googled it, and it turns out it's attributed to Mark Twain. Just goes to show, Abraham Lincoln was right when he said "85% of quotes posted on the internet are made up".
 
C_Mucius_Scaevola said:
"As Ronald Reagan said:
>>
>>
>> BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!"
Click to expand...

I thought it was Barry Cryer who said that. In fact I knew he said it; I've heard him, but I thought he said it first. So I googled it, and it turns out it's attributed to Mark Twain. Just goes to show, Abraham Lincoln was right when he said "85% of quotes posted on the internet are made up".
Click to expand...
That quote is often misattributed to Abraham Lincoln. It was actually Andrew Johnson who said it, it's just that it isn't as sexy by Johnson.
 
Why don't you want to fly from Hiroshima, Japan to Nantucket, Massachusetts?
 
This guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 p.m., after golf. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a f*cking mess, and the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my f*cking pyjamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the f*ck did you bring him home unannounced, you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
 
Q: A pair of lesbians and a pair of gay guys had a car race from New York to Florida. Who won?

A: The lesbians. They went 69 the whole way, while the gay guys were still back in New York packing their shit.
 
So two young, single women are sitting on a balcony, watching the neighborhood. A guy waves and the blonde waves back ,shouting 'Hi, 74!'
The brunette looks at her oddly but doesn't comment.
Someone across the street leans out his window to wave. The blonde waves back shouting, 'Good morning, 62!'
'What do you mean by the numbers?' the brunette asks.
'Oh, that's my code. That guy down there, he's got a seven inch dick and he can make love four times in one night. Over there-'
'He's got six inches and can only do it twice a night,' she finishes.
'You've broken my code!' the blonde smiles.
Just then someone drives by. He honks his horn as he passes their balcony. The brunette shouts, 'Looking good, Johnnie Walker!'
'Wait a minute,' the blonde says, 'I know that guy. His name is Clint! Johnnie Walker is a liquor!'
'And now, sweetheart, you've broken my code.'
 
The version I heard was that the lesbians got there lickety split, which was from the joke above..
 
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'


One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly... 'I think the man would have said - 'Well, Fuck me!! A talking pig!'
 
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate... and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
 
That reminds me of a joke. I'm not going to do the research to find out if it's already represented in this thread.

She: "Dear, if I died, do you think you'd get married again?"
He: "Well, Honey, I'm still young."
She: "You'd bring another woman into this house?"
He: "Well, it is paid for."
She: "You'd let her use my things?"
He: "Well, Honey, you've got a lot of nice things."
She: "You'd probably let her use my golf clubs!"
He: "Oh, no--she's left handed."
 
A man pushed someone in front of a moving car, and they were hit.
"Why did you do that?" They asked.
"Because my actions are caused", the man said.
 
Back in the 80's, US submarines made patrols out of Holy Loch, Scotland. There wasn't too much civilization around the Loch, but it was a fairly short walk into Dunoon.
So one day a boat pulls in after a patrol and maximum liberty is set. Three sailors get to the pier, don't see any taxis, so they decide to walk into town to find a pub.

The road they take goes up a hill and through several pastures. They're walking along in the evening, then sun's close to setting, and it's just a beautiful view of a sheep-dotted field next to lush green trees, no other humans in sight in any direction.

"Man," says the most junior sailor, the Seaman. "I wish i could turn one of those sheep into Tanya Roberts. I'd take her up between those trees and I'd... Well, after 90 days underwater, there isn't much of anything i WOULDN'T do to her."

The middle ranking 1st Class Petty Officer nods at this. "Yeah, if one of those sheep turned into my wife right now, i don't think i could make it as far as the trees." The seaman laughs. Then both of them look at the Chief Petty Officer, wondering what his fantasy might be.

Chief looks at the sheep, looks at the sailors, looks up and down the empty, silent road. Finally he says, "You guys go ahead. I'm going to wait until dark."
 
Keith&Co. said:
Back in the 80's, US submarines made patrols out of Holy Loch, Scotland. There wasn't too much civilization around the Loch, but it was a fairly short walk into Dunoon.
So one day a boat pulls in after a patrol and maximum liberty is set. Three sailors get to the pier, don't see any taxis, so they decide to walk into town to find a pub.

The road they take goes up a hill and through several pastures. They're walking along in the evening, then sun's close to setting, and it's just a beautiful view of a sheep-dotted field next to lush green trees, no other humans in sight in any direction.

"Man," says the most junior sailor, the Seaman. "I wish i could turn one of those sheep into Tanya Roberts. I'd take her up between those trees and I'd... Well, after 90 days underwater, there isn't much of anything i WOULDN'T do to her."

The middle ranking 1st Class Petty Officer nods at this. "Yeah, if one of those sheep turned into my wife right now, i don't think i could make it as far as the trees." The seaman laughs. Then both of them look at the Chief Petty Officer, wondering what his fantasy might be.

Chief looks at the sheep, looks at the sailors, looks up and down the empty, silent road. Finally he says, "You guys go ahead. I'm going to wait until dark."
Click to expand...

The Chief was a Kiwi then I take it...
 
gmbteach said:
Keith&Co. said:
Back in the 80's, US submarines made patrols out of Holy Loch, Scotland. There wasn't too much civilization around the Loch, but it was a fairly short walk into Dunoon.
So one day a boat pulls in after a patrol and maximum liberty is set. Three sailors get to the pier, don't see any taxis, so they decide to walk into town to find a pub.

The road they take goes up a hill and through several pastures. They're walking along in the evening, then sun's close to setting, and it's just a beautiful view of a sheep-dotted field next to lush green trees, no other humans in sight in any direction.

"Man," says the most junior sailor, the Seaman. "I wish i could turn one of those sheep into Tanya Roberts. I'd take her up between those trees and I'd... Well, after 90 days underwater, there isn't much of anything i WOULDN'T do to her."

The middle ranking 1st Class Petty Officer nods at this. "Yeah, if one of those sheep turned into my wife right now, i don't think i could make it as far as the trees." The seaman laughs. Then both of them look at the Chief Petty Officer, wondering what his fantasy might be.

Chief looks at the sheep, looks at the sailors, looks up and down the empty, silent road. Finally he says, "You guys go ahead. I'm going to wait until dark."
Click to expand...

The Chief was a Kiwi then I take it...
Click to expand...

Don't be silly, a Kiwi wouldn't wait until dark.

Hell, most Kiwis wouldn't wait for the other two to finish talking.
 
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