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Things that make you laugh...

Elixir said:
What "bluff"?
I thought you were serious!
Click to expand...

Okay, i have ordered the costume. And a box of dinosaur-shaped lollipops to distribute to all the good little boys and girls in Training, Documentation, Training Support, Customer Support, but not Technical Support because they're across the hall.

And the manager bought an inflated ball as a desk chair, si i can sit on that if the tail won't fit in my chair.

Just pissed that i missed National Fossil Day this year...
 
3yo trick-or-treater tonight. Mini Minnie Mouse. I think we were the second house she's trick/treated in her entire life.

I held the bowl down to her, she looked at all the candy, then picked up the candy bar in her basket and added it to my pile.

"No, sweetheart, you get this back AND you get this one." They're so adorably stupid at that age.




And a 4yo was too afraid of our seven foot tall dragon to come up to the porch. His mom THOUGHT his sister said 'i will get one for him.' Which was loving and supportive.

What she actually said, though, was "I get his!" She was screaming, "i'm not giving him my candy!" By the end of the driveway...
 
Keith&Co. said:
3yo trick-or-treater tonight. Mini Minnie Mouse. I think we were the second house she's trick/treated in her entire life.

I held the bowl down to her, she looked at all the candy, then picked up the candy bar in her basket and added it to my pile.

"No, sweetheart, you get this back AND you get this one." They're so adorably stupid at that age.




And a 4yo was too afraid of our seven foot tall dragon to come up to the porch. His mom THOUGHT his sister said 'i will get one for him.' Which was loving and supportive.

What she actually said, though, was "I get his!" She was screaming, "i'm not giving him my candy!" By the end of the driveway...
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[YOUTUBE]https://youtu.be/mUanyafUN6c[/YOUTUBE]

Brilliant!
 
Wife in her class of tenth graders.
One of them is trying to pick a fight with a guy on the football team.
She mentions that someone ought to 'slap some sense into' the aggressive idiot.
The idiot, a white boy, asks Mrs. &co. if she thinks she's man enough to do it.

A third individual, totally isolated from the previous conversation, shouts, "NOOOOOO! You do NOT want a black woman slapping you. That shi' hurts."

Dead silence. Wife asks, "Mom didn't like the report card, John?"
"She was not PLEASED," he enunciated, "but the proper response to 'how'd you get this C? What's that about?'" is not, "Nigga, get off my back."
"No, it is not," she agreed.
 
This was one of my favorite times of year when I was a Leading Petty Officer.
The Monday after the shift of clocks.

Well, THIS Monday. Fall.

In the spring, there's always at least one guy who shows up late, his excuse being that he forgot to set the time. Okay, no biggie, we'd say. These things happen.

And then in the Fall, there's always someone who shows up an hour late, offers the same excuse.
No. No, that doesn't work. Because one year in five, someone shows up an hour early for the exact same reason.
So the only way to be an hour late in the fall is to shift your clock AND choose to sleep in an hour. So, you lied AND you're late, and you're on the shit list.

I expect this will happen less and less as people's phones update automatically, but I'll miss the opportunity to punish the math-challenged...
 
Keith&Co. said:
This was one of my favorite times of year when I was a Leading Petty Officer.
The Monday after the shift of clocks.

Well, THIS Monday. Fall.

In the spring, there's always at least one guy who shows up late, his excuse being that he forgot to set the time. Okay, no biggie, we'd say. These things happen.

And then in the Fall, there's always someone who shows up an hour late, offers the same excuse.
No. No, that doesn't work. Because one year in five, someone shows up an hour early for the exact same reason.
So the only way to be an hour late in the fall is to shift your clock AND choose to sleep in an hour. So, you lied AND you're late, and you're on the shit list.

I expect this will happen less and less as people's phones update automatically, but I'll miss the opportunity to punish the math-challenged...
Click to expand...

I have one of those alarm clocks that automatically sets the time for you. It also automatically changes the time at DST changes. The problem is it's a week off, being made before the DST date was changed.

So, last monday I had a doctor appointment at 9:15. At 8:30 by my clock, I get a phone call from the office wondering if I'm coming in (they're very strict about keeping appointments). I tell them yes in a pretty condescending manner, wondering what the hell they're going on about. Then I see the clock on the cable box across the room. 9:30 am. And I realize what happened.

Shit...
 
Actually, I changed my alarm clock manually, after forgetting that it changes it automatically. So that's my excuse today.
 
Seen on Facebook earlier: "Yeah, sex is great and all, but have you ever voted a Republican out of office?"
 
Just bought breakfast. The cafeteria has a TV in the background. It is set to CNN or Fox, depending on who gets their first in the morning.

Drifting through, there's this big map on the screen. And the guy in front of me is incensed. "How did the libs take the House if the whole nation voted RED!?!"
Tempting as it is to be at ground zero of a new conspiracy, I had to point out, "That's a phone commercial. That's their coverage area."

It was frightening watching his face. You could just SEE how much he wanted to hold the belief that there was some fraud involved...
 
So, the office conversation revolved to 'who was bravest?'
Some military heroes were offered, then someone suggested that old chestnut, "The first man to devour an oyster raw."
That theme got tossed around for a while, then someone suggested, "The first to try milk from a cow."

"No," I said, "that wasn't bravery. Probably, some guy with a cow fetish got caught, and quickly thought up, 'It's, uh, nutritious... And good for your, um, your bones."

Now three coworkers are no longer able to put cream in their coffee...
 
Keith&Co. said:
So, the office conversation revolved to 'who was bravest?'
Some military heroes were offered, then someone suggested that old chestnut, "The first man to devour an oyster raw."
That theme got tossed around for a while, then someone suggested, "The first to try milk from a cow."

"No," I said, "that wasn't bravery. Probably, some guy with a cow fetish got caught, and quickly thought up, 'It's, uh, nutritious... And good for your, um, your bones."

Now three coworkers are no longer able to put cream in their coffee...
Click to expand...

I'm reminded of a scene in one of O'Brian's Aubry/Maturin books.

A sailor is caught doing the dirty with the ship's goat. The penalty for sodomy is hanging, but Maturin thinking that's unnecessarily harsh, says something like, "Why don't you just put the man and the goat ashore. Or on separate shores, if you have moral qualms."

When the steward asks if they'd like milk for their coffee, they, embarrassed, decline.
 
In the op shop the other day I found a pattern for a priest's soutane. Which made me laugh because I can't imagine priests have worn home made clothing since the 50s, or possibly, ever.

Thought I'd take a photo of it today, for posterity.

It's sold.
 
Wiploc said:
Keith&Co. said:
So, the office conversation revolved to 'who was bravest?'
Some military heroes were offered, then someone suggested that old chestnut, "The first man to devour an oyster raw."
That theme got tossed around for a while, then someone suggested, "The first to try milk from a cow."

"No," I said, "that wasn't bravery. Probably, some guy with a cow fetish got caught, and quickly thought up, 'It's, uh, nutritious... And good for your, um, your bones."

Now three coworkers are no longer able to put cream in their coffee...
Click to expand...

I'm reminded of a scene in one of O'Brian's Aubry/Maturin books.

A sailor is caught doing the dirty with the ship's goat. The penalty for sodomy is hanging, but Maturin thinking that's unnecessarily harsh, says something like, "Why don't you just put the man and the goat ashore. Or on separate shores, if you have moral qualms."

When the steward asks if they'd like milk for their coffee, they, embarrassed, decline.
Click to expand...

I miss Patrick O'Brian. When I discovered that series, I devoured it, reading a book every day and a half until the series ran out... and the food-related passages were the BEST!
Spotted Dick, anyone?
 
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