It's not self-identification from my perspective but coerced identification, when someone has a differing public vs private identity, with respect to the public identity. The social momentum doesn't change the nature of the direction of personal force of identity.
Okay, in that case, how one truly feels trumps how one might otherwise portray themselves to others.
But, doesn’t that make you guilty of being insulting? Unintentionally of course, as your heart is in the right place, but if you are unprepared to let even some of your own family know and purposely put on a front that’s inconsistent with how you feel inside, I feel it would be a betrayal to announce (on your behalf) to the world how you secretly prefer to be addressed.
There’s more, but it’s over the top complicated.