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. . . We are almost two weeks into self-isolation here in AL and it's very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her face. It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. I've even considered letting her in. But rules are rules.
 
I do not know about this home schooling lark.

After the 1st day 2 children were suspended for fighting and the teacher disciplined for drinking on the job.
 
An oldie but a goody.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead. What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says: "OK. Now what?"
 
Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor's wife.

Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"

Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.

After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Pastor gets
annoyed and asks Pat what he's really up to.

Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says... "You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago.”
 
Since it's holy week........................Two nuns are riding their bicycles in a Roman village's cobbled street.

One of the nuns asks the other. " Do you often come this way?"

" No says the other, it must be the cobbles."
 
Two Jewish guys go to pick up their new suits from Pinkus the tailor. As they walk down the street, they take a good look at the suits and see a lot of ugly stitching that stands out all over. As two nuns pass them from the other direction, one guy says to the other, "Pinkus screwed us!!"
One nun says to the other, "I didn't know Jews spoke Latin."
 
SLD said:
. . . We are almost two weeks into self-isolation here in AL and it's very upsetting for me to witness my wife standing at the living room window staring aimlessly into space with tears running down her face. It breaks my heart to see her like this.

I've thought very hard of how I can cheer her up. I've even considered letting her in. But rules are rules.
Click to expand...
Buy curtains?
 
Shamelessly stolen:

No. of Recommendations: 19​
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would go up to a bank teller with a mask on and ask for money.

2019: You see a man in a store wearing a mask and think you are in danger.
2020: you see a man in a store not wearing a mask in a store and think you are in danger.

Until further notice the days of the week are now called thisday, thatday, otherday, someday, yesterday, today and nextday!

Just asked a 6-year-old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper.

On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence.

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my home but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.

2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April.

Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating.

This cleaning with alcohol is total b.s. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.

Kinda’ starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens.

My Mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in the bed all day, but look at me now! I’m saving the world!

Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home.

Is your car getting 3 weeks per gallon now? Mine is.

Its like being 16 again, gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

Low gas prices during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush.

In a month, 88% of blondes will disappear from the earth.

“All those grandparents who are missing their grandkids now—once this over you can have them for a month.
Sincerely, a tired Mom.”

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors.
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

And just like that, our pastor became a televangelist.

Can we uninstall 2020?
This version has a virus.

Just a friendly warning. If people start hoarding coffee and I can’t get any, the body count will be staggering.

Mom, is that offer to slap me into next year still on the table?”

Powerball is up to an 18 pack of Charmin.

Let’s not tell some people when quarantine is over.

I’ve been trying to make hand sanitizer but it keeps coming out rum and Coke.​
 
I am going to start a Procrastination Club!
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... someday.
 
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
Two politicians go out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch one of them jumps up and says, "Bugger. I forgot to lock the office safe before we left."

The other politician replies "No worries. We're both here."
 
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