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Joke gallery

A middle-aged man is cruising the seedier streets downtown in his wood-panel station wagon. He stops at a light and a scantily clad young lady taps on his passenger side window. He rolls the window down and she suggestively asks, "Hey handsome, do you have anything hard you'd like me to take care of for you?"

"I sure do. How much do you charge?"

She smiles sweetly. "Are you a policeman?"

He answers, "No, just a regular guy with a job and a mortgage."

She winks and says, "For $500 I'll do anything you want."

"Anything? For $500? Hop in bitch, you're painting my house!"
 
SLD said:
Keith&Co. said:
"Alright. So, let's try this again. Do you have a spare dollar?"
"No, sir," the sailor replies, then salutes and marches off.
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Damn, Keith, how many years did you serve without hearing that joke? I heard it in 1983
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Um...heard it 85, lived it 87, think it should be part of the curricula in every leadership course...
 
jonatha said:
Keith&Co. said:
Um...heard it 85, lived it 87, think it should be part of the curricula in every leadership course...
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Did you frame the dollar?
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The Tender had a cashier open during working hours. I was in line to grt cash, when a LT came by, insisting everyone who couldn't prove they were on night shift get the fuck back to work.
Five hours later, rode the twice-an-hour liberty launch to the pier, then walked down to the gate. Found the same LT patting his pockets. He had no cash for th e taxi to get home.
Looked around, 'can anyone loan me five pounds?'
'I would,' i got to say, 'but i never made it to the cashier.'
Damn, it felt good.
 
Keith&Co. said:
jonatha said:
Keith&Co. said:
Um...heard it 85, lived it 87, think it should be part of the curricula in every leadership course...
Click to expand...

Did you frame the dollar?
Click to expand...

The Tender had a cashier open during working hours. I was in line to grt cash, when a LT came by, insisting everyone who couldn't prove they were on night shift get the fuck back to work.
Five hours later, rode the twice-an-hour liberty launch to the pier, then walked down to the gate. Found the same LT patting his pockets. He had no cash for th e taxi to get home.
Looked around, 'can anyone loan me five pounds?'
'I would,' i got to say, 'but i never made it to the cashier.'
Damn, it felt good.
Click to expand...

Was that the Holland or the Cable?
 
SLD said:
Keith&Co. said:
The Tender had a cashier open during working hours. I was in line to grt cash, when a LT came by, insisting everyone who couldn't prove they were on night shift get the fuck back to work.
Five hours later, rode the twice-an-hour liberty launch to the pier, then walked down to the gate. Found the same LT patting his pockets. He had no cash for th e taxi to get home.
Looked around, 'can anyone loan me five pounds?'
'I would,' i got to say, 'but i never made it to the cashier.'
Damn, it felt good.
Click to expand...

Was that the Holland or the Cable?
Click to expand...
Hunley
 
Ad spotted in my weekly bargain bulletin: “FOR SALE: Crestview cemetery plot, $200, so I don’t have to spend all eternity beside my ex!”
 
Keith&Co. said:
SLD said:
Keith&Co. said:
The Tender had a cashier open during working hours. I was in line to grt cash, when a LT came by, insisting everyone who couldn't prove they were on night shift get the fuck back to work.
Five hours later, rode the twice-an-hour liberty launch to the pier, then walked down to the gate. Found the same LT patting his pockets. He had no cash for th e taxi to get home.
Looked around, 'can anyone loan me five pounds?'
'I would,' i got to say, 'but i never made it to the cashier.'
Damn, it felt good.
Click to expand...

Was that the Holland or the Cable?
Click to expand...
Hunley
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Holy Loch! Makes sense. No exchange. We probably crossed paths there as I was on the Monroe there that year.

Now back to our regularly scheduled joke:

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
 
Welp, this summer is shot. Might as well put up the Christmas decorations and call it a year.
 
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.
 
It's time for another Little Johnny joke..

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
 
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