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Joke gallery

Surprisingly no one has posted a little Johnny joke for eons! Well, I'm here to fix that.

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"
 
I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!
 
More from the coronavirus desk

1. The Spanish King has been restricted to his plane during the duration of the pandemic. Now we can sing "The reign in Spain stays mainly on the plane".

2. I not bored at all during the isolation at home. I can tell you that the 2 bags of rice I brought, despite being supposedly identical, had 9764 & 9733 grains respectively
 
Still on COVID

How the perception of people drinking at home has changed from 2019 to 2020. While last year people would consider you a looser, this year you suddenly become a good citizen.
 
angelo said:
Still on COVID

How the perception of people drinking at home has changed from 2019 to 2020. While last year people would consider you a loser, this year you suddenly become a good citizen.
Click to expand...

There. Fixed. But Looser if it meant he was a sailor.
 
Still on medical humour.................................A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
 
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
 
C_Mucius_Scaevola said:
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
Click to expand...
But not, apparently, speechless.
 
Keith&Co. said:
C_Mucius_Scaevola said:
A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
Click to expand...
But not, apparently, speechless.
Click to expand...

That's easy for you to say.
 
Poor Paddy again.......................................Paddy and Murphy, come across a girl who's bike has a flat tyre.
Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.
A few mins later Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.
"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.
"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, take what you want big boy! "So I took the bike.''
"Good on ye'' says Murphy, ''I'm sure the fuckin knickers wouldn't fit ya anyway"
 
A Navy commander has to deliver a sensitive document to one of the ships in pprt. Between one delay and another, he doesn't make it to the waterfront until Sunday, on a 3-day weekend.
He delivers the doc, leaves the vessel, and stops at a soda machine. Discovers that he doesn't have any cash.
Being the holiday, none of the snack bars or coffee shops are open, and no one is around.
So, just as he gives up and turns to go back to his car, a lone enlisted sailor comes by.
"Excuse me!" he calls. Gestures at the machine. "Would you happen to have a spare dollar?"
"Sure thing, buddy," the enlisted says, reaching into his pocket.
"Hold on," snaps the officer. "I am not your buddy. I am a COMMANDER. A senior commissioned officer. You will address me with the respect due my position. Do you understand me?"
The enlisted man has snapped to attention by now. "Sir, yes, sir."
"Alright. So, let's try this again. Do you have a spare dollar?"
"No, sir," the sailor replies, then salutes and marches off.
 
Keith&Co. said:
A Navy commander has to deliver a sensitive document to one of the ships in pprt. Between one delay and another, he doesn't make it to the waterfront until Sunday, on a 3-day weekend.
He delivers the doc, leaves the vessel, and stops at a soda machine. Discovers that he doesn't have any cash.
Being the holiday, none of the snack bars or coffee shops are open, and no one is around.
So, just as he gives up and turns to go back to his car, a lone enlisted sailor comes by.
"Excuse me!" he calls. Gestures at the machine. "Would you happen to have a spare dollar?"
"Sure thing, buddy," the enlisted says, reaching into his pocket.
"Hold on," snaps the officer. "I am not your buddy. I am a COMMANDER. A senior commissioned officer. You will address me with the respect due my position. Do you understand me?"
The enlisted man has snapped to attention by now. "Sir, yes, sir."
"Alright. So, let's try this again. Do you have a spare dollar?"
"No, sir," the sailor replies, then salutes and marches off.
Click to expand...

Damn, Keith, how many years did you serve without hearing that joke? I heard it in 1983
 
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
 
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