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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm…

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she’s just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his roommate Big Jake in and asks him to fan them with a towel while they make love. Jake agrees.

So Tim’s going to town while Jake stands there fanning the two of them with a towel. Still nothing. The girl doesn’t even come close to a climax.

Finally after half an hour, Jake humbly suggests, “Tim, I think I know what’s wrong. Maybe you and I should trade positions for a bit.” Tim is desperate to finally please his woman, so he agrees.

Jake climbs on and starts giving her the business while Tim stands there fanning with the towel. Within minutes, she’s having multiple screaming, moaning, thrashing orgasms as Big Jake thrusts away.

Tim grins, triumphantly. “You see, Jake!” he says. “Now this is how you fan a girl with a towel!”
 
The other day I was having sex with this married woman when her husband came home early.
She told me I’d have to use the back door and said I’d have to be quick.

On reflection I should have just left, but it’s not every day you get an offer like that.
 
Chuck Norris jokes;

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris doesn't get lost. The Earth just reorients itself to his location.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
 
DBT said:
Chuck Norris jokes;

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris doesn't get lost. The Earth just reorients itself to his location.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
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Best Chuck Norris Jokes in 2020

When God said, 'Let There Be LIGHT!'
Chuck said, 'Say Please.'

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once ...ONCE.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

On the 7th day, God rested ... Chuck Norris took over.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.


When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
 
I told my wife I want a viking funeral, just put my body and all of my stuff in a boat, push it off into a lake, and set it on fire.

She said, "But what if I want some of your stuff."

To which I replied, "You don't understand. You're part of my stuff."

She did not find that amusing.
 
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
 
That reminds me of the diner who called the waiter over and exclaimed: " Waiter, there's a fly in my soup." The waiter moves closer and says..........Shhh, otherwise everyone else will want one too.
 
And there was the English recruit who complained "Sarge, there's dead flies in my tea!" and got the answer back "Yas, it's the 'ot water what kills 'em"...
 
A man is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says

"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies:

"I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Christ!" he says, "are you that stripper on my stag night that I had sex with on the snooker table in front of all my mates while your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher ..."
 
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There's a thousand waiter jokes. Here's another............................


A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"
"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
 
The lotion bottle says to apply to area of irritation. So I slathered it all over my coworker Brenda.
 
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