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Joke gallery

Guy standing at a bar was eyeing off this delicious and shapely woman with skin tight pants on next to him. " Excuse me for starring, but I was wondering how do you get into your pants?"

She replies : " Well, you can start by buying me a gin and tonic."
 
I apologise in advance if I've posted this before.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
 
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
 
A man was on his first aeroplane flight.
He told the hostess that he had heard about the bad ear troubles some people had. Did she had any ideas?
Take this chewing gum. It always works, she said.

At the end of the flight the man said that the chewy worked but how does he get it out of his ears?
 
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
 
"I'm always frank and earnest with women. Uh, in New York I'm Frank, and Chicago I'm Ernest"
Mitch Hennesey
 
English is weird. It can be mastered through tough thorough thought, though.

Before they met, I told my mother that my girlfriend is deaf, so speak slowly and loudly.
But first I told my girlfriend that my mother is retarded.

How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult?

How do you know you're old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. That's when I finally put my foot down.

I really hate it when I'm stuck behind some stupid old fart and then I realize we went to high school together.

When the chair was invented, the inventor’s friend wanted to know what it did. The inventor replied: "You might want to sit down for this."
 
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