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Things that make you laugh...

Holy crap I'm famous! I'm on the FREAKIN' Internet!

Me! MEEEEMEEEEMEEEE! Lol.png

Just having some fun. It's just that that sidebar thingy from Amazon never came up before. My near-famous novel (and here I am using "near" extremely liberally) Fireflies of the Dusk, has sold all of three copies. Three.

Three.

I'm FREAKIN' famous! Steinbeck never had it like this! Suck it Steinbeck, and you too, Joyce, and you too, Faulkner! Suck it!
























:rimshot:
 
The Rev. William H. Grimes has advice.

http://simplychristian.shoutwiki.com/wiki/Sermon_5

The sermon topic is 'Your Body Is A Temple.' God gave it to you, eat well, take care of it. But partway through, i think he loses the big picture.

WOULD YOU FEED CHRIST HIMSELF BURGER KING WHOPPERS AND ONION RINGS AND CHOCOLATE MILKSHAKE?!!!!!!!!!! NO?!!!!!!
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No?
What do you mean, no?
This is the Christ! The guy that cursed a fig tree for not producing fruit out of season, when Himself was hungry.

Jesus shows up at my house, saying he's peckish and wants a Whopper, you're fuck-n-A RIGHT he's getting a Whopper.

I'll pay. I'll drive. We'll go to the clean one down in Lenox, not the one downtown where the school kids tell each other 'You ordered a gay burger.' I hate eating at that one. That and the guy working the grill has his pants so low i can tell if he's wearing the polka-dot boxers today.

I wouldn't force anything on The Son Of Man, but if it's in my power, he gets what he asks for. The option is that he has a temper tantrum, curses me, my house, or my car, then tells a dozen credulous followers that it wasn't a fit of pique, there was symbolic meaning in his act. It's a parable, yeah, that's the ticket.

No. Jeez.
 
It is 1980, I’m in college, living off campus in an apartment building in Philly. The kind of apartment building with a classic bank of those tiny “fold-up-everything-except-letters” mailboxes. One weekend I take a trip back to the hometown of Silver Spring to see high school buddies. At one point we go have an ultimate frisbee game at the high school – grads vs kids (as we called it), 6 of us against current students that made up the school’s nascent team. I supplied the disc (165 gram World Class disc by Wham-0, state of the art back then). After the game I forget my disc and leave it in my friend’s car. I return to Philly and my friend decides to mail it to me.

My friend takes a paper shopping bag and realizing that of course a round disc should be in a square package, he cuts the bag down, folds over the open end making everything tight and tidy, then seals the whole thing up for addressing and mailing.

A week later I am coming into the apartment building where I live and checking my tiny mailbox I have a note saying to come to the management office to pick up a package. Upon arriving at the office I am greeted by a young woman, about my age, and after presenting my package-note, a large grin and a short chuckle passes her lips, then “oh, you’re 610A” . . . she stands and turns and retrieves my package from the back room, handing me a perfectly square but flat package, with a large perfect circle well embossed into the makeshift envelop with my friend’s location in the return address corner under the words: “ACME Condom Company”.
 
Daughter, laments that she felt stupid in class. Said something that made her look both dumb AND like a pro-lifer. Says she should drop it and take O-Chem instead, it would be easier.
I tell her that her question was fair and that the teacher will appreciate her participation in the “spirit of inquiry.”
Daughter replies, “The spirit screwed me worse than Mary.”
 
Mom was supposed to drive up and visit us this week.

Mom got sick.

Mom apologized for failing to meet expectations, and said, "My sinuses are so backed up, i couldn't go anywhere if a cat o' nine tails were involved."

My immediate reply, "Hey, we won't kink-shame, here!" Because that's the sort of thing we say daily at work.

Mom: "...…………………………………….What?"

I hung up. That conversation was over. Maybe the relationship.

Ah, well, fun while it lasted.
 
Keith&Co. said:
Mom was supposed to drive up and visit us this week.

Mom got sick.

Mom apologized for failing to meet expectations, and said, "My sinuses are so backed up, i couldn't go anywhere if a cat o' nine tails were involved."

My immediate reply, "Hey, we won't kink-shame, here!" Because that's the sort of thing we say daily at work.

Mom: "...…………………………………….What?"

I hung up. That conversation was over. Maybe the relationship.

Ah, well, fun while it lasted.
Click to expand...

Does a cat o' nine tails have any non-kinky use?
 
Loren Pechtel said:
Keith&Co. said:
Mom was supposed to drive up and visit us this week.

Mom got sick.

Mom apologized for failing to meet expectations, and said, "My sinuses are so backed up, i couldn't go anywhere if a cat o' nine tails were involved."

My immediate reply, "Hey, we won't kink-shame, here!" Because that's the sort of thing we say daily at work.

Mom: "...…………………………………….What?"

I hung up. That conversation was over. Maybe the relationship.

Ah, well, fun while it lasted.
Click to expand...

Does a cat o' nine tails have any non-kinky use?
Click to expand...

??? seriously ???

There's not much kinky about severe corporal punishment.

https://sydneylivingmuseums.com.au/convict-sydney/cat-o-nine-tails-flat-handle
 
Patton Oswalt's story of The Polish Woman of Doom. It's about the most distressing/jolting/hilarious piece of standup comedy ever. He tells a shortened version of it in an online clip with Conan. It's essential Patton, and it's why I love this guy. He's fearless.
 
bilby said:
Loren Pechtel said:
Keith&Co. said:
Mom was supposed to drive up and visit us this week.

Mom got sick.

Mom apologized for failing to meet expectations, and said, "My sinuses are so backed up, i couldn't go anywhere if a cat o' nine tails were involved."

My immediate reply, "Hey, we won't kink-shame, here!" Because that's the sort of thing we say daily at work.

Mom: "...…………………………………….What?"

I hung up. That conversation was over. Maybe the relationship.

Ah, well, fun while it lasted.
Click to expand...

Does a cat o' nine tails have any non-kinky use?
Click to expand...

??? seriously ???

There's not much kinky about severe corporal punishment.

https://sydneylivingmuseums.com.au/convict-sydney/cat-o-nine-tails-flat-handle
Click to expand...

But that's an old use.
 
Was reminded of my grandfather's worst day as the County Coroner.

There are a few natural hot springs in the hills around where i was born. Some have been developed into tourist attractions. The next town over, Lava Hot Springs, has a number of pools. There's also a bunch of places in the hills where kids hang out.
One night two guys talked two girls into skinny dipping in one of these pools. The only light was from the car's headlights, so it took them a bit to realize there were five people in the pond.
Some guy had had a heart attack while enjoying the sulferwater and turned it into soup.
Anyway, Grandpa and the guy that dug graves in the cemetery took the hearse up the road.
Getting this well-done meat sack out of the water was, apparently, quite the experience. Then he stunk through the first body bag. And the second body bag. With all the windows open and the back hatch propped open, the smell was still too bad to drive to the mortuary.

They ended up putting a big rock in the car that just leaned against the gas pedal, enough to make the car crawl forward.
And took turns running to the car, reaching into the window, and turning the wheel as necessary.

Knowing my grandpa, he probably made a few attempts, "Caesar, I'll give you ten bucks to turn the wheel on that curve up ahead."
Knowing Caesar, he probably replied with, "You got ten dollars? On you? Right now? Then shut the f*ck up."

The last time he told the story, i had seen Silence of the Lambs. "You know, the FBI deals with that scent by wiping their lips with a smellerant."
Turns out they had that trick. They were SNORTING Vick's Vapor Rub and still couldn't stand that smell...
 
I live on the lake, so our coroners have to deal with bodies that come to the surface after long days down under, with the carp and the mayfly larvae. I mean, they study for this job and around here, run for the office. I'm not even trying to imagine...
 
Dad's a little down. Health problems piling up.
I told him he cannot die just yet.
"Why?"
"People see 'd. 2021' on your urn, they'll assume you were an anti-vaxer, and say, 'Good riddance.'"
So now he's adding it to his will. No matter what he dies of, all geneologies, urns, tombstones, etc. will refer to his demise as 'hit by a bus.'
"Right. So the eulogy will be, 'the last time we spoke, as he lay in the hospice bed, just before the bus ran over him, he told me about....' Uh huh."
"What? _I_ won't be embarrassed by it. You have to keep a straight face."
"No, actually, i do not."
 
Keith&Co. said:
Dad's a little down. Health problems piling up.
I told him he cannot die just yet.
"Why?"
"People see 'd. 2021' on your urn, they'll assume you were an anti-vaxer, and say, 'Good riddance.'"
So now he's adding it to his will. No matter what he dies of, all geneologies, urns, tombstones, etc. will refer to his demise as 'hit by a bus.'
"Right. So the eulogy will be, 'the last time we spoke, as he lay in the hospice bed, just before the bus ran over him, he told me about....' Uh huh."
"What? _I_ won't be embarrassed by it. You have to keep a straight face."
"No, actually, i do not."
Click to expand...

This bus? https://abc7ny.com/bus-crash-mta-brooklyn-prospect-lefferts-gardens/10757700/
 
[YOUTUBE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVPj0Q-gTOo[/YOUTUBE]
 
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