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SLD said:
You know a lion would never drink and drive . . .


… but a tiger would!

Click to expand...
Speaking of tigers.
The Richmond Football Club (Aussie Rules) was apart of 2 Don't drive and drive campaigns
2000:
.
This one gave Australia the phrase "If you drink and drive you are a bloody idiot."

1988:
 
Gary hears his girlfriend starting breakfast down in the kitchen. He stumbles out of bed and finds her cooking in just a t shirt. She says, "Make love to me, right now!"
He says, "Wha-?" and she says, "I need you!!"
So they do it, right on the kitchen floor, and then she jumps up and goes back to the stove. He says, "What was that about?"
She says, "These soft-boiled eggs need 6 minutes, and the timer stopped right at the 3 minute mark."
 
A college girl is fretting about a blind date she was talked into. She says to her roommate, "What if he shows up, and he's butt-ugly?"
Her roommate says, "Open your phone's app store and get Are You Okay, Mom? If he shows up and he's a real troll, you tap your phone, it rings, and you just say, 'Mom, what's going on? I'll be right there!' Problem solved."
A couple hours later, she sees her date coming up the sidewalk. She says to her roommate, "Look at him. He's a dream!!"
She runs to the door, opens it, and says, "You must be my date."
His phone rings, and he says, "Mom, are you okay? I'll be right there!"
 
So Jesus and Moses are walking along the beach and Moses says "you know Jesus it's been a long time since I parted the sea let me see if I can still do it". So he throws his staff down throws his arms up and nothing happens. Jesus says to him "why don't you try again it's been a long time". So Moses throws his staff down, throws his arms up and the sea parts, it was beautiful. So Jesus says to Moses "it's been a long time since I've walked on the water let me see if I still have it in me". Jesus walks out onto the water and sinks, he comes back up discouraged but Moses tells him it's been a long time and to give it another go. Jesus walks back out onto the waters and sinks again he comes back up and says "I know what the problem is last time I did this I didn't have these damn holes in my feet"
 
Church is letting out, and the pastor is shaking hands at the door. A stranger to the congregation, a big tall man, is last in line. He grips the pastor's hand and says, "I want to say, that was the goddamndest best sermon I heard in my goddamn life." The pastor starts to say, "Sir --" but the man goes on, "I'll be a son of bitch if anyone preaches better than you." The pastor says, "Sir, you've said enough. It's completely uncalled for you to use those words in the house of God." The man says, "When you were finished, I just said, 'Sweet bastard, I gotta show my appreciation -- so I put a thousand dollars in the damned collection plate."
The pastor says, "No fuckin' way!"
 
A man invites a Sunday school teacher out on a date. He doesn't know how big a prude she'll be, so he puts her to the test right away. They sit down at the restaurant and he says, "Shall I order drinks?"
She wags her finger at him and says, "I can't drink with you. What would I tell my Sunday school class?"
He says, "Yeah, what would you tell them." He takes out his cigarettes and offers her one. She wags her finger at him and says, "I'm certainly not going to smoke. What would I tell my Sunday school class?"
He decides to cut the date short. They finish dinner and get in his car. As they drive past a motel on the edge of town, she grabs his elbow and says, "Let's get a room."
Once they're in the room, she's all over him. About two hours later, he's limp with exhaustion and she's lying next to him, humming a little tune. He says, "So what are you going to tell your Sunday school class?"
She says, "That you don't have to drink and smoke to have a good time."
 
Speaking of jokes I got a statement from the drug insurance (Part D) provider, detailing five months of Mrs E’s assorted drugs.
The good news is that it says that if the deductible is not already met, we “could be billed” up to three hundred and change.
The JOKE is the “amount billed”.
$110,000.00 and change. Just for fucking drugs!
😳
 
Elixir said:
Speaking of jokes I got a statement from the drug insurance (Part D) provider, detailing five months of Mrs E’s assorted drugs.
The good news is that it says that if the deductible is not already met, we “could be billed” up to three hundred and change.
The JOKE is the “amount billed”.
$110,000.00 and change. Just for fucking drugs!
😳
Click to expand...

Wow, I didn't know viagras cost that much.
 
A man walks up to the pharmacy counter. He says, "Do you sell viagra?"
The pharmacist says, "We do."
The man says, "I wonder if I can get it over the counter."
The pharmacist says, "It's possible. You'd have to take two or three, though."
 
A joke idea that I had a week ago: "They were vampire daleks, and their rallying call was "Exsanguinate! Exsanguinate!"
EDIT: I just checked on Google - I am not the first to have this idea, but that is no surprise; but it is the first time that you have seen it here.
 
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