• Welcome to the Internet Infidels Discussion Board.

Joke gallery

A man takes his wife and mother-in-law on safari. One morning she wakes him up and says, "Get up! I can't find Mother. We've got to find her!"
They walk a ways into the jungle and come to a little clearing. The wife points. There's her mother on one side, and maybe ten yards away, a huge lion is crouching in the grass, eyeing her and swishing its tail in the grass.
The wife pokes at her husband. She says, "Aren't you going to do anything, Stanley?"
He says, "Nah. He got himself into this fix. Let's see him get out of it."
 
Two farmers meet at the feed store. One says, "I drove past your place last night, and it looked like every pickup truck in the county was parked on your lawn. Was you havin' a party?"
The other one says, "I guess you didn't hear. My mother-in-law went out to the barn, and the donkey kicked her in the head and killed her."
The first guy says, "Oh, my Lord. And all your neighbors came by, to pay their respects?"
The other one says, "Not really. I'm takin' bids on the donkey."
 
A man goes to the classified desk of the local paper. He says, "I got an obituary here, for my wife."
He hands the clerk a note card that says, "Bonnie died."
The clerk says, "That's only two words."
The man says, "I know. We didn't get along, and I'm sure not gonna spend a fortune to print a big long message about her."
The clerk says, "You don't need to tell me all that. But this will be free. The first five words are always free."
The man thinks for a moment, takes the card back, writes on it, and hands it back. It says, "Bonnie died. Chrysler for sale."
 
(Better version -- works better with a gender change.)

A woman goes to the classified desk of the local paper. She says, "I got an obituary for my husband." She hands the clerk a notecard which reads 'Joe died.'
The clerk says, "That's only two words."
She says, "I know. We never got along, and I'm damn sure not gonna spend a fortune on running a long obituary for him."
The clerk says, "You don't need to tell me all that. This will run for free. The first five words are always free."
She takes the card back, writes on it, and hands it back. It now says, 'Joe died, Chrysler for sale.'
 
ideologyhunter said:
(Better version -- works better with a gender change.)

A woman goes to the classified desk of the local paper. She says, "I got an obituary for my husband." She hands the clerk a notecard which reads 'Joe died.'
The clerk says, "That's only two words."
She says, "I know. We never got along, and I'm damn sure not gonna spend a fortune on running a long obituary for him."
The clerk says, "You don't need to tell me all that. This will run for free. The first five words are always free."
She takes the card back, writes on it, and hands it back. It now says, 'Joe died, Chrysler for sale.'
Click to expand...
Probably works for a father/daughter scenario too.
I'm gonna try it out.
 
A faith healer sets up a tent outside a small town. During the service, he shouts, "Who needs a healin'?"
An old man with crutches hobbles up to the stage and says, "Preacher, can you heal my legs?"
The healer says, "God will heal you. Step behind the curtain for your healing."
A young man steps to the front and says, "C-c-c-can you h-h-h-heal my st-st-st-stutter?"
The preacher says, "God will heal you. Step behind the curtain."
The preacher stretches his hands skyward and shouts a long, loud prayer to God. Then he shouts, "The man who needs a healing in his legs -- throw out your crutches!" Two crutches fly out from the curtain and fall with a crash to the stage. The preacher shouts,"Young man with the stutter -- tell the people in a clear, steady voice what you just witnessed!"
The young man says, "He f-f-fell fl-fl-flat on his f-f-f-fuckin' f-f-f-face!!"
 
Man walks into a hardware store. He goes up to the checkout and asks the woman working there, "Do you happen to have any little bastards?"
She says, "What's the matter with you? I ought to slap your face!"
He says, "Sorry, I'm a carpenter, and I thought you'd know the word. It's a kind of wood file. Just point me to your files." He comes back with a small metal file and says, "This is what I need. It's called a bastard."
After he leaves, she decides to bring the files up front so she can show the other clerks. A burly man comes in and says, "I need me a wood file."
She beams with her knowledge and says, "Would you like this little bastard?"
The man says, "Shit no. I need one giant motherfucker."
 
If doves have white babies, and crows have black babies, what bird has no babies?
Swallows!

Have you heard about the movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
 
ideologyhunter said:
Man walks into a hardware store. He goes up to the checkout and asks the woman working there, "Do you happen to have any little bastards?"
She says, "What's the matter with you? I ought to slap your face!"
He says, "Sorry, I'm a carpenter, and I thought you'd know the word. It's a kind of wood file. Just point me to your files." He comes back with a small metal file and says, "This is what I need. It's called a bastard."
After he leaves, she decides to bring the files up front so she can show the other clerks. A burly man comes in and says, "I need me a wood file."
She beams with her knowledge and says, "Would you like this little bastard?"
The man says, "Shit no. I need one giant motherfucker."
Click to expand...
Cleaning up after installing cabinets in the break room, I asked a coworker to grab my Johnson.
I did not get the response I was expecting.
Know your audience.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom