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Joke gallery

pegasus8 said:
If a Pollock a Mexican and a Scotsman jumped off the Empire State Building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?

Why the Scotsman silly. The Mexican would stop to write his name on the wall and the Pollock would miss.

Peace people

Pegasus
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How does a fish jump anyway?
 
pegasus8 said:
If a Pollock a Mexican and a Scotsman jumped off the Empire State Building at the same time, who would hit the ground first?

Why the Scotsman silly. The Mexican would stop to write his name on the wall and the Pollock would miss.

Peace people

Pegasus
Loren Pechtel said:
How does a fish jump anyway?
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
The fish missed because it was hit by a drunk in an Oldsmobile.
 
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor. "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes." He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
 
Underseer said:
If his wee-wee fits in a donut hole, he's not going to be that popular.
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Maybe he carries the doughnuts in a box with his hands but he's so skilled in wiener-fu he can stack two cups of coffee (with saucers) on the sturdy tip of his ordinary size member, balancing them while walking and not spilling any. That should pique the interest of any ladies more interested in technique than size.
 
A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island.

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else in the island...

He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier... it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this...

One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her succesfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life.

But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed... "Whats wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing..." the guy would say...

She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasnt asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him...

"Really?, youll do anything id like?"

"yes" she said "anything!"

"ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore"

"ok..."

"now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat"

"wha... ok, id say id do anything" she said lovingly.

"ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it"

she was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tuck her hair under the hat.

"Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache"

"ok... if this is what you want..." she muttered.

"now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach ill catch up to you in a bit" he said a bit excited...

She started walking... wondering... doubting herself... just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasnt her, maybe it was h... suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you wont believe who ive been fucking for the past 6 months!"
 
A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton watch, most of the ship was empty for the night.

A few piers down, a ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an orangutan, who broke out of his cage.

The ape traveled the waterfront in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering around.

He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance, ignored the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an extremely high voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is suddenly dark throughout.

A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body. They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other. They look at his face for a long time.

Finally, the third class tells the seaman: 'Okay, his legs are too short for a machinist mate, his arms are too long for a boiler tech, and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call the wardroom, see if any of the junior officers are missing.'

- - - Updated - - -

Two Air Force fighter jets in transit to Reykjavik fly over a P3 Orion on subhunter patrol. They decide to have some fun, and fly down to either side of slower craft. They connect on the radio, and pass the time of day with the Navy pilot.

Then one jet pilot says, 'Hey watch this!' He shoots ahead to supersonic, points the nose up, pops up into the sky and disappears. He comes back into view behind them, screaming out of the sky, flies between the other two planes, pulls up just short of hitting the Atlantic, and eases back up to their altitude. He ends up in formation again.

The other jet pilot says, 'Hey, watch THIS!' Shoots straight down, to just-above-wave-level, tips over upside down, flies almost INTO a wave, turns over, sharp turn, spirals up until he actually circles the other two planes, then pulls into the formation again.

The P3 pilot says, 'That's nothing. Watch closely.' With that, he gets out of his seat, waves, and walks out of the cockpit back into the plane. A few minutes later, he comes forward again, sits down and dons the headphones. 'How was THAT?'

'What the hell did you do?' they ask.

'I put a burrito in the microwave, caught the score on the game, ate the burrito, and woke up my copilot. He's gotta fly this thing for a while.'
 
Keith&Co. said:
A destroyer pulled into Borneo for liberty. Cut down to a skeleton watch, most of the ship was empty for the night.

A few piers down, a ship was loading local cargo for export. Among the crates was an orangutan, who broke out of his cage.

The ape traveled the waterfront in the dark, and finally reached the destroyer. He climbed the mooring lines, boarded, and climbed up the smokestack. Inside the stack, the confused animal made it down to the engine room, and started wandering around.

He came to an electrical panel, opened for maintenance, ignored the safety ropes, and managed to make contact with an extremely high voltage contact. Bright blue spark and the ship is suddenly dark throughout.

A few minutes later, two hull techs are searching with their flashlights for the problem. They come on the dark burnt hairy body. They shine the flashlight on his long, long arms. They look at each other. They look at his short stubby legs. They look at each other. They look at his face for a long time.

Finally, the third class tells the seaman: 'Okay, his legs are too short for a machinist mate, his arms are too long for a boiler tech, and he's too hairy for an electrician. Call the wardroom, see if any of the junior officers are missing.'

- - - Updated - - -

Two Air Force fighter jets in transit to Reykjavik fly over a P3 Orion on subhunter patrol. They decide to have some fun, and fly down to either side of slower craft. They connect on the radio, and pass the time of day with the Navy pilot.

Then one jet pilot says, 'Hey watch this!' He shoots ahead to supersonic, points the nose up, pops up into the sky and disappears. He comes back into view behind them, screaming out of the sky, flies between the other two planes, pulls up just short of hitting the Atlantic, and eases back up to their altitude. He ends up in formation again.

The other jet pilot says, 'Hey, watch THIS!' Shoots straight down, to just-above-wave-level, tips over upside down, flies almost INTO a wave, turns over, sharp turn, spirals up until he actually circles the other two planes, then pulls into the formation again.

The P3 pilot says, 'That's nothing. Watch closely.' With that, he gets out of his seat, waves, and walks out of the cockpit back into the plane. A few minutes later, he comes forward again, sits down and dons the headphones. 'How was THAT?'

'What the hell did you do?' they ask.

'I put a burrito in the microwave, caught the score on the game, ate the burrito, and woke up my copilot. He's gotta fly this thing for a while.'
Click to expand...

Man, I heard those when I was a JO. Thirty freakin years ago! Actually the second punch line was that he took a crap. Now that's something fighter jocks miss!

SLD
 
SLD said:
Man, I heard those when I was a JO. Thirty freakin years ago!
Click to expand...
That's odd, i wrote the Borneo joke a mere 10 years ago... (pause to count on my fingers. Retired ... Oh! Fourteen years ago. Made the joke on the command that... Which would be back in... Man, that long ago?) Wait, never mind.

Then you probably heard:

An Admiral was touring one of the ships in his fleet. After dinner, he ditched his escorts and walked along the weatherdecks. He came upon a seaman, and decided to ask a few questions to check the level of training aboard the command.

'Sailor,' he asked, 'what would you do if someone fell over the rail?'

'Officer or enlisted?' was the instant reply.

'Um, okay, enlisted, uh, someone from your division. Yeah, one of your buds falls over the side, what would you do?'

'Call away 'Man Overboard,' toss a floatation device to him, stick by the rail and try to keep an eye on him while the ship turns and lookouts assemble. When a phone talker arrives, give information to the bridge to aid in the recovery.'

'Okay, sailor, good answer. But I have to ask, what's the difference? What would you do if an officer fell over the side?'

The sailor leaned close, looked left and right, and asked, 'Which one?'
 
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A native of Berlin is in Vienna, and lost. He grabs a passing native and barks: 'The post office! Where is it?'

The startled Viennese carefully removes the other's fist, straightens his coat, and gently says, 'Sir, this is Vienna, the center of Austrian Charm and politeness. It would have been better for you to approach quietly, make eye contact, and then ask 'If you have the time, I need instructions to get to the post office and would be very obliged if you could direct me.''

The Berliner turned away and growled over his shoulder, 'I'd rather be lost!'

A year later, the same Vienna native was lost in Berlin. He approached a native of that city and asked 'Excuse me, sir, if you have the time, I need instructions to get to the post office and would be very obliged if you could direct me.'

The man he spoke to shot out 'Turn completely around, forward three blocks, sharp turn right, immediate left, down the ramp, slight left turn, ahead one block and on the next block, third door on the left.'

The Viennen was still lost, and confused, but politely started to thank the man for his kind help, when the Berliner grabbed his coat and shouted, 'Never mind the thanks! Repeat the instructions!'
 
An American businessman goes into a restroom in Montreal. He screams, and comes out looking for the manager. Manager comes quickly and wants to know the problem.

"Look here! I turned on the cold water and got scalded!"

"Oh, I see, monsieur, but you see, the 'c' on the faucet refers to the French word 'chaud' which means 'hot.' I am sorry for the confusion." He turns to leave.

"Wait a minute," says the businessman, "the other tap has a 'c' as well! What's up with that?"

"Ah, monsieur, that refers to the English word 'cold.' Remember, this is a bilingual city..."
 
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: “Easy, William, we won’t be long... easy boy.” Another outburst and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the shopping cart. Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William.”

Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad.”

“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I am William. The brat’s name is Kevin.”
 
An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon. They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina." The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."
 
Seems a Navy Master at Arms (MAA) was teaching Drug Recognition to some officers. He had a cigar box with three joints in it. They passed it around, with the instructions to crack it, sniff, and then open it to see what that smell was. This was so that as the officers toured their spaces, or passed the crew, they might recognize the smell.

Anyway, it passes around once, and when it gets back to the instructor, it only had two joints in it.

'Ha ha. Very funny. Now, I'm going to pass it around again, and this time I want everything back.' Around it goes, comes back, now it has just one joint inside.

'This isn't funny. Everyone put your head down on the desk, when the box is passed to you, open it, put it back if you have it, close it, and pass it on. Keep your head on the desk so no one will see who has it.' Comes back with one joint.

'Dammit. Everyone into the hall.'. MAA goes down the hall, comes back with a German Shepherd and his partner. 'This is a drug dog. We're gonna do this one more time, then if the dog finds a joint on you, you're going to be arrested.' One at a time they went into the class, opened the box, closed it, came out again. MAA went into the classroom....and found five joints in the box.....
 
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you
yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"
 
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Three favorites of mine:

A masochist walks up to a sadist and demands "Hit me, Hit me", and the sadist replies "No".


A woman visit the dentist to have a cavity filled. As the dentist leans in and asks her to open her mouth, she grabs him by the balls and says "Now, we're not going to hurt each other, are we?"


A state police officer is driving down highway 14 when he ends up behind a car going too slowly. She puts on her lights and siren, and pulls the vehicle over. She walks up to the car which has 4 nuns. The driver rolls down her window, and asks "Is there anything wrong, officer". The officer says "Sorry, sister but you were going too slowly on the highway. Why?" The nun replies "I thought I was going the speed limit of 14". The officer replies "14 is the highway number, not the speed limit". She notices the two nuns in the back seat are frozen in fear. So, she asks "Do you need assistance?" To which the other nun in the front seat replies "Oh no, officer, we just turned off country road 165."
 
Willy and Barney are coming back from a day of fishing. There's been some drinking, although not too much. The car's not weaving all over the road, but Willy is driving a little fast.
They pass a lot of tow trucks going in the opposite direction, dragging some beaten-up cars. They idly wonder if there's been a car accident up ahead. That's about when a cop pulls up behind them, lights flashing, pulls them over.
WHen he gets to the pickup window, he barely opens his mouth before Willy says, "Ain't you got any real crime you could be chasing?"
Since the cop had been involved in a six car pile-up and still smelled the blood, he... Well, he snaps like a twig. "That's it, motherfucker," he growls. And grabs Willy by the arm and drags him through the window into the road. Beats him black and blue until there's just a whimpering bruised mass of flesh trying to crawl away.

Then the cop runs around to the other side, grabs Barney and drags HIM out into the road. Starts to whale on him. "Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What're you hittin' me for? I didn't speed? And i didn't say nothing to you!"
Cop grabs his chin and lifts his face up to meet his eyes. "Yeah, but the instant after i drove off, you'd be telling your friend, 'I wish he'd a brought somma that over to ME.' Right?"
Barney shrugs. "Yeah, i guess so. Okay, i was just wonderin."
 
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