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- Thread starter laughing dog
- Start date
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2002
- Messages
- 42,194
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- Frozen in Michigan
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- Old Fart
- Basic Beliefs
- Don't be a dick.
SLD
Contributor
Ed awakes with a hangover. First thing he sees is two aspirin, a glass of water and a rose. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
Stumbling into the kitchen he sees a hot breakfast and the paper. He sees his son and asks, "What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home drunk. You broke some furniture, and you got sick in the hall."
"So, why do I have a rose and breakfast waiting for me?"
"Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "
Broken furniture -- $85.26
Hot Breakfast -- $4.20
Red Rose bud -- $3.00
Two Aspirins -- $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless.
Stumbling into the kitchen he sees a hot breakfast and the paper. He sees his son and asks, "What happened last night?"
"Well, you came home drunk. You broke some furniture, and you got sick in the hall."
"So, why do I have a rose and breakfast waiting for me?"
"Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "
Broken furniture -- $85.26
Hot Breakfast -- $4.20
Red Rose bud -- $3.00
Two Aspirins -- $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time -- Priceless.
SLD
Contributor
SLD
Contributor
SLD
Contributor
Why do melons have weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.
Because they cantaloupe.
ideologyhunter
Contributor
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2002
- Messages
- 42,194
- Location
- Frozen in Michigan
- Gender
- Old Fart
- Basic Beliefs
- Don't be a dick.
And after the honeymoon it's "Honey, don't."
um, "ripe" is the word you are looking for.
unless you are into "raw", hehe
Elixir
Made in America
And that’s when they realize they married a misspelled lemon.
some people are not vigorous when it comes to "grafting".
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2002
- Messages
- 42,194
- Location
- Frozen in Michigan
- Gender
- Old Fart
- Basic Beliefs
- Don't be a dick.
I phoned my Scottish boss this morning and said: "Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough".
He said: "You have a wee cough laddie?"
I said: "Ok cheers boss .. see you next week!"
He said: "You have a wee cough laddie?"
I said: "Ok cheers boss .. see you next week!"
laughing dog
Contributor
A hunter spends an entire day tracking a deer. He finally sees one and shots it while it is running. The deer keeps going, jumps over a fence into a farmer's yard and then drops dead.
The hunter opens the gate into the yard to get the deer when the farmer comes out his nearby barn and asks "What are you doing".
The hunter replies "i'm getting my deer that I shot".
The farmer says "It is on my property, so it is my deer. You cannot have it."
The hunter says "I spent all day tracking and hunting this deer. Surely there is a way we can come to some agreement about this."
The farmer thinks for a minute and replies "Let's settle this country style. We take turns kicking each other in the balls. Whoever gives up, loses the deer."
The hunter grimaces but agrees to the contest.
The farmer says "My property, I go first", and kicks the hunter in the balls.
The hunter screams in agony and rolls around on the ground for 20 minutes. Finally, he gets up and still gasping for breadth says "My turn".
The farmer says "Oh no, I give up."
The hunter opens the gate into the yard to get the deer when the farmer comes out his nearby barn and asks "What are you doing".
The hunter replies "i'm getting my deer that I shot".
The farmer says "It is on my property, so it is my deer. You cannot have it."
The hunter says "I spent all day tracking and hunting this deer. Surely there is a way we can come to some agreement about this."
The farmer thinks for a minute and replies "Let's settle this country style. We take turns kicking each other in the balls. Whoever gives up, loses the deer."
The hunter grimaces but agrees to the contest.
The farmer says "My property, I go first", and kicks the hunter in the balls.
The hunter screams in agony and rolls around on the ground for 20 minutes. Finally, he gets up and still gasping for breadth says "My turn".
The farmer says "Oh no, I give up."
SLD
Contributor
SLD
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SLD
Contributor
How do you know that the holy family was Jewish? Simple. She thought he was a god, and he thought she was still a virgin.