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Joke gallery

An officer pulled me over for cutting through a corner gas station to avoid the traffic light
he gave me a warning because he knew I was going through a lot
 
Does sex sound like running in flip-flops or is that just me?


Ok, I'll take my seat in the corner. :p
 
A woman who has been very sexually active tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they're too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insists that the surgery be kept a secret - and of course, the surgeon agrees to keep her privacy strictly confidential.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery, the woman finds 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, * she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon calmly reassures her that he had carried out her wish for confidentiality.

He explains that the first rose was from him because "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse", he says. "She assisted me in the surgery and empathized with you because she had the same procedure done a few years ago, and knew what you were going through."

"And what about the third rose?" asked the woman.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
 
I didn't go to high school, I went to school high.
 
The Little Rascals are in school. The teacher says, "I need someone to use the word admire in a sentence."
Spanky says, "I admire the cop on our block."
Teacher says, "Very good. Who can use respect in a sentence?"
Alfalfa says, "Umm... I respect Spanky for admiring the cop on our block."
"That's good," says the teacher. "Who can use dictate in a sentence?'
There's a long silence. Then Buckwheat blurts out, "Darla, how did my dictate?"
 
It's about time we added a star to the flag for America's mental state.

Go Washington DC!
 
Two little boys are talking after school. One says, "I know how to make money off the grown-ups. You just gotta know how." He trains his friend on the way to do it. The boy goes home and catches his mother coming out of her bedroom. He arches one eyebrow and says, "Mom, I found out your deepest secret." She turns pale, looks back at the bedroom, and says, "You did?" She runs to get him a $20 and says, "Keep quiet about this to your father."
When his dad comes home, he goes out and meets him at the car. He cocks an eyebrow and says, "Pop, I found out your deepest secret."
His dad looks up at the house, says, "You did?" and brings out a $20. "Here, and don't tell your mother."
The kid goes to bed $40 richer. The next day the handyman is fixing their sink and he figures, why not. He cocks his eyebrow and says, "I found out your deepest secret."
The handyman stares at him for a second, sets down his spud wrench, and says, "You did???" He spreads his arms and says, "Come give your daddy a great big hug!"
 
Too much smut on this thread, not enough family entertainment. Here's a Disney joke.

A psychiatrist has a consultation with Mickey Mouse. "I've examined your wife thoroughly," he says. "She's completely sane. I can't figure out why you think she's crazy."
"Nooo," Mickey keens. "Nooooo! I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy!"
 
A man goes to see an ophthalmologist, and takes with him a shoebox. The ophthalmologist asks him what the matter is, and the man opens the lid and shows him. In the bottom of the shoebox is an enormous, hard, brown turd about the size of a cucumber.

"Good God!" exclaims the ophthalmologist, "did you do that?"

"Yes" says the man

"I think you have come to the wrong place sir" says the ophthalmologist "You need to see a gastrointestinal specialist"

"No" says the man "Its you I need to see alright. The problem is, every time I do one of these, my eyes water!"
 
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