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Joke gallery

An angel is showing the new arrivals around heaven. "Do you have any questions for me?" the angel says.
Two guys elbow their way through the crowd. One says, "Yeah. We're Trump supporters, and we would like to have the true story of how the Democrats stole the election."
The angel replies calmly, "Then you shall have perfect knowledge of the event. There was no steal. If you like, I can sit you down and you can watch every vote cast in your country, every last one, and you will see that Joseph Biden won fair and square, with an electoral victory of 306 to 232."
The first guy looks at his friend and says, "This goes higher up than we thought."
 
ideologyhunter said:
An angel is showing the new arrivals around heaven. "Do you have any questions for me?" the angel says.
Two guys elbow their way through the crowd. One says, "Yeah. We're Trump supporters, and we would like to have the true story of how the Democrats stole the election."
The angel replies calmly, "Then you shall have perfect knowledge of the event. There was no steal. If you like, I can sit you down and you can watch every vote cast in your country, every last one, and you will see that Joseph Biden won fair and square, with an electoral victory of 306 to 232."
The first guy looks at his friend and says, "This goes higher up than we thought."
Click to expand...

Fake!

People like that would have gone the other way.
 
What's the difference between Chick-Fil-A and sodomy?

One involves having nasty things in your colon and the other involves sodomy.

- John Fugelsang
 
A woman at a resort spots a middle-aged but quite muscular man. She goes up to him and says, "Are you new here? I haven't seen you before."
A strange look comes over his face. He says, "I'm going to tell you the truth. I just did 20 years in prison for killing my wife with a hatchet."
She says, "So you're single?"
 
Australia Computer Terminology - Getting ready for NBN Broadband in the bush!
LOGON:….Adding wood to make the camp fire hotter.
LOG OFF:….Not adding any more wood to the camp fire.
MONITOR:….Keeping an eye on the fire.
DOWNLOAD:….Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE:….Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD:….Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOWS:….What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN:….What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE:….What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE:….What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP:….A pub snack.
MICROCHIP:….What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM:….What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP:….Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE:….Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE:….Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE:….The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME:….What holds the shed up.
WEB:….What spiders make.
WEBSITE:….Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE:….What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR:….What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO:….What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE:…. A steep hill.
SERVER:….The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER:….The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
USER:….The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK:….What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET:….Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE:….What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.
ONLINE:….Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE:….Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
 
A horse goes into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender draws a mug and sets it in front of him with a worried look. "I'm getting concerned. Every day you come in here and drink until you can barely crawl home. Do you think you might be alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am."

And *poof* the horse vanishes.
 
Atheos said:
A horse goes into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender draws a mug and sets it in front of him with a worried look. "I'm getting concerned. Every day you come in here and drink until you can barely crawl home. Do you think you might be alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am."

And *poof* the horse vanishes.
Click to expand...

You probably should have explained in advance that this joke is a reference to the well known philosophical quote "I think, therefore I am".

But perhaps to do so would have been to put Descartes before the horse.
 
A ragged fragment of a joke from memory. The speaker is Descartes:

...
Myself I extol, for I have a soul, and the horse does not.
Of course, I have to put Descartes before the horse.
Click to expand...
 
My parents always thought I was going to be an astronaut.

They kept telling me I was taking up space.
 
A young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident on the way to their wedding. Waiting to be admitted into Heaven, they began to wonder if they could still get married. When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said, "I don't know. You're the first ones to ask. Let me find out."
Three months elapsed before St Peter returned. "Yes," he said, "You can be married in Heaven."
"Wonderful," says the bride.
"Great," says the groom, "but...what if it didn't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter loses his angelic demeanor.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me three months to find a priest up here ....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

(disclaimer: stolen)
 
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