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Joke gallery

SLD said:
Another Lincoln joke:

When Lincoln was campaigning for Congress in 1846, he faced a popular Methodist preacher, Rev. Peter Cartwright. Lincoln decided to show up at one of his revivals held during the middle of the campaign. When Cartwright came to the altar call, summoning sinners to accept Jesus and be saved, he noticed that Lincoln was there and sitting down, declining to come forward.

”If you’re not going to repent and go to heaven, Mr. Lincoln,” he cried out for all to hear, “where are you going?”

Lincoln simply replied, “I am going to Congress, brother Cartwright!”

And sure enough, he did.
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He should have told him he was going to the airport.

Too soon?
 
A devout Catholic has a gay friend he hopes to cure of his sin. So, hoping for the persuasiveness of pomp, he takes him to mass on a day the bishop is attending. Down the aisle comes the bishop in his robes and mitre, swinging the censer, whereupon the concerned guest, unable to contain himself, calls out, "love your hat, love your dress, but your purse is on fire!"
 
Q: How much does Santa pay for parking?
A: Nothing. It's on the house.

Happy Holidays, ya heathens!
 
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I ask my sister what to get my niece for Christmas.
My sister said "She is into Frozen stuff".

Lovely I thought. Went to the supermarket and brought her a hamper of frozen foods.
 
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was on reddit reading about some poor kid being asked about his sex life during confession and that reminded me of two confession booth jokes.

An 80 year old guy goes into confession..
Old guy (og): father, I'd like to make a confession
Priest (p): what is it my son?
og: Well, I'm 80, just got some of that viagra, and made love to two 20 year old blondes twice each.
p: (clearly flustered) ... wow .. umm.... I'm not sure what to say, but when was the last time you've been to confession?
og: I've never been ... I'm Jewish
p: well, why are you telling me?
og: I'm telling everybody!!


A priest had to run some errands in town but realized he had confession appointments to be performed at the same time as his errands.
He called his rabbi friend and asked him to sit in for him in the booth.
The rabbi said, "what do I do?"
The priest replied, "just walk them through their troubles like you would normally do. It is all the same shit."
Well, the first case was a young lady who confessed to giving her boyfriend a blowjob out of marriage.
The rabbi asked for a moment to collect his thoughts. He eased open the door to the confessional and waved over one of the altar boys.
"PSSST .... hey what does Father John usually give for blowjobs"
The altar boy perked up and said, "He usually gives me a candy bar and a Coke"
 
Reminds me of this oldie:

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. After a few minutes a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned." The priest asks "What did you do?". The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more." A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest:"How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."
 
Another oldie.

A man enters a confession booth. "Forgive me, Father, for I've committed adultery."

The priest says, "Who was it with? Was it Mary McDougal?"

"I can't say," the man replies.

"You can't have forgiveness unless you confess everything, my son," the priest says. "Was it with Lisa Burkowski?"

"It doesn't feel right to name names, Father"

"Confess, my son! Was it Rhonda Donoso?!"

"No, Father, I can't tell you."

"Very well, my son. Say five Hail Mary's and go and sin no more."

The man leaves and is greeted by a friend. "Well," his friend asks? "What did you get for your confession?"

The man replies, "Three good leads."
 
athee said:
The bank keeps calling me to give me compliments. They say I have an "outstanding balance."
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The Australian Taxation Office wrote me a nice letter, telling me that my 2022 Tax Return was outstanding.

I feel particularly proud, as I don't even recall sending it in.
 
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