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Joke gallery

An Ingersoll joke: “Good cooking is the basis of civilization. The inventor of a good soup did more for his race than the maker of any creed. The doctrines of total depravity and endless punishment were born of bad cooking and dyspepsia.”
 
hurtinbuckaroo said:
Best joke from the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, as told by Joe Biden about Ron DeSantis:

“After his reelection as governor he was asked if he had a mandate. He said, ‘Hell no, I’m straight.’”
Click to expand...
I preferred “welcome to MSNBC, owned by NBC Broadcast Corporation, and FOX News, owned Dominion Voting Systems …”
 
Two old ladies were bicycling down an old country road.

The first old lady said "I've never come this way before."

The second old lady said "Me too. It must be the cobblestones."
 
Why did the young goat play practical jokes?

He liked to kid around.


Yeah, I made it up.
 
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
 

Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute​

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'll need to collect your things and get put of my house! We just will not have someone like that in the family!"

Mary: "Well daddy, I thought you would be mad but I make a lot of money doing this! In fact, I cleared all my student debts just last month! And this week I bought you and mammy a Rolex each! I have even saved up to pay for Seamus to go to America and play Gaelic in Boston! Oh daddy, please dont make me leave the family, I beg of you!!"

Her father thinks for a second.

Father: "What did you say you were? A prostitute? Oh, bejasus darling, come here and give yer auld man a kiss! I'm getting deaf in my old age, I thought you said you were a protestant!!"
 
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

They reply:

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”


that was the original ... and my add-on...

Then the Romanian son of the juggler spoke up and said with a grin
"Da"
 
IRS AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $30 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AGENT: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know?"
 
A tough looking cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled.

No one answered.

“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I dun in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

The man had another beer, walked outside, and lo and behold, his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say pardner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”
 
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