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Joke gallery

SLD said:
Did you know that every single person who confuses correlation with causation ends up dying?
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Did you know that every single person who does not confuse correlation with causation still ends up dying?

(Unless there is a subtle point in the original quote that has gone through to the keeper.)
 
A man goes to a female dentist because he needs a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a large syringe to anesthetize his mouth and jaw. "No way, no needles! I hate needles," the man replied. So the dentist start to hook up a nitrous oxide tank, and the man says again, "No way. I can't do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"

The dentist smiles and asks him, if he had any objections to taking a pill. "No," he replies, "I'm fine with pills." So she pulls out two blue pills and gives them to him to take, and he does so.

After he swallowed them, he asks, "What pills are these?"

"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," replied the man, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer too!"

"It doesn't," she said, "but it'll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth!"
 
How does a cannibal start a wedding reception? He toasts the groom

If a cannibal eats a missionary, will he get a taste for religion?
 
A man orders 5 shots of whisky at a bar. The barkeep says, "Okay, but what happened to you, man?"
The man says, "I just found out my brother's been lying to me all this time. He's gay, and he's marrying my best friend."
A few days later, the man comes back and orders 10 shots of whisky. The barkeep says, "Okay, what happened?"
The man says, "My son just told me he's gay, and he's been starring in a drag show for the past six months."
A week later, the man comes in and orders 15 shots of whisky. The barkeep says, "I guess no one in your family likes women."
The man says, "No, apparently my wife does."
 
A 20 year couple was lying in bed. When the Mrs. felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways she hadn’t been in many years. He started at her neck, and then worked his way down across her shoulder. He then worked his way down the small of her back. Then around her breasts and over her arm, and over her buttocks and down her thigh. Then he proceeded to work his way up her inner thigh, stopping just shy of the top. He then went down the other thigh and around the other leg. Suddenly he stopped and rolled over. His wife, now quite aroused, says, “That was nice, dear. Why’d you stop?” The husband responded, “I found the remote.”
 
So every night little Johnny hears strange thumping noises coming from his parents bedroom, and finally one night he peaks in there. The next morning he says to his mother, "Mommy, last night I saw you jumping on top of daddy, why do you do that?" The mother quickly responds, "Oh, that's because I'm trying to make him thin. I jump on his stomach to flatten him out every night." Little Johnny responds: "It won't work. Every morning after you leave, the lady next door comes by and blows him up again."
 
It's the day before Christmas. A teenage boy walks into a drugstore and says to the man behind the counter, "Um, I've been invited to dinner at my girl friend's tomorrow, and there's a chance I'll get lucky, so..."
The clerk sets a box of condoms on the counter and says, "Six fifty and tax."
The boy buys them, starts to leave, and says, "You know, her mom is smoking hot. Sell me another box, in case I get extra lucky."
The next night he's sitting at the dinner table, staring at his plate. His girl friend nudges him and says, "If I knew you'd be this quiet, I wouldn't have asked you."
He says, "If I knew your dad worked at the drug store, I wouldn't have accepted."
 
A traveling salesman goes to a farm house. The farmer goes, I could put you up for one night, but youll have to stay in the barn. So he spends the night there and the next morning the farmer comes in, he goes, Were you comfortable? He goes, I had a great time; I talked to all the animals. He goes, You talked to the animals? He goes, Yeah I spoke to the chickens, they say you collect the eggs every morning exactly at five minutes after six. He goes, Thats exactly right. He says, The horse tells me his name is Otis, youve owned him for 10 years. He goes, Thats incredible. And he goes, I spoke to the cow, the cow says that her name is Elsie and you milk her every morning at exactly 8:30. And then I spoke to the sheep.

Suddenly, the farmer interrupts him, “Those sheep are a bunch of damn liars!”
 
1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
 
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