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Joke gallery

Three leprechauns are drinking beers outside the Guinness World Records headquarters. They're bitching about how the world of 'big' people constantly ignores them. Finally one does a 'jazz hands' in front of his friends and says, "Take a look at dese. I bet I can get in the records book with the world's smallest hands!" He swaggers into the building and comes out, beaming, half an hour later. "I'm in da book!" he crows.
The second leprechaun says, "Well, by God, I'm gettin' in, too. I bet I have the smallest feet!" He goes in and a little later strides out saying, "I made it in the book, too!"
The third leprechaun looks himself over and says, "Well, when we shower at the health club, youse guys always say I got the tiniest junk in the world. I'm goin' in!" Five minutes later he comes out, very cross, arms folded, muttering to himself. He says to his buddies, "Who the hell is Matt Gaetz?"
 
Three pregnant women are knitting baby sweaters in the doctor's waiting room. The first one pauses, takes a pill, and says, "Multivitamin. Healthy mommy, healthy baby!" This reminds the second mom, so she takes out a bottle, pops a pill, and says, "Folate. I'm gonna raise an athlete!" The third mom hesitates, takes a pill out of her pocket, and swallows it. She says, "It's thalidomide. I never could knit a sleeve."
 
So there are two bored male Casino dealers sitting at the craps table waiting for something to happen. A beautiful woman walks up to the table, and throws down $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But then she strips down completely naked, saying "I hope you don't mind, I just feel a lot luckier when I'm completely nude!" She then rolls the dice, shouting, "Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice come to a stop, she jumps up and down, "I won! I won! I won!" She quickly gathers her clothes and her winnings and says, "Thanks, boys," and off she goes.

The two dealers are dumbfounded. Finally one of them says to the other, "So what did she roll?"

And the other replied, "I don't know. I thought you were watching?"
 
So a hitman was sitting at a bar one time and a man approaches him.

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 for a single shot?"

"Yes, I am," replied the hitman.

"But what if you miss?" The man inquired.

"I never miss," the hitman said emphatically.

"Well, my girlfriend is cheating on me with some guy right now in a motel down the street. I've got two bullets and $20,000. Let's go!"

Off they go down the street to the motel. They set up a position across the street and the hitman takes careful aim. The man says, "Shoot my girlfriend in the head and shoot him in his dick!"

The hitman pauses for a minute, carefully looking through his scope. He waits patiently. Finally the man gets upset, "What's taking you so long?"

"Give me a second. I think I can save you $10,000."
 
An atheist dies and finds himself in Hell.

The devil welcomes him and says: "Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says: "No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"

They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".

They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"

As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.

Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the Christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"

OK, that's all I have for today!! Back to work!
 
(This joke is so old, it's probably already on this thread somewhere. I don't care. I like it, plus it's religious.)

A guy is driving when he hears a disembodied voice say, "Drive to your bank." He ignores it, but a minute later it says, "Drive to your bank, now."
He gets to the bank and the voice says, "Cash out your checking account." He hesitates, slowly gets out of the car, and goes and cashes out his account. Back in the car, the voice says, "Catch the 11 a.m. flight to Vegas." He obeys quickly this time. Five hours later, he's in Vegas. The voice says, "MGM Grand. Now." He gets there, enters, and the voice says, "Roulette table with Antonio." Right in front of him is roulette, and the croupier has a name tag: Antonio. He gets to the table and the voice says, "Straight up bet, everything on 17." He places the bet, the wheel spins and spins, and the ball falls on 6. The voice says, "Fuck."
 
I’m sure this is a true story . . .

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.


"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."

"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.

"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.

"Sir?"

"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."

"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."

"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."

"Then I bid you farewell — my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:

Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.

Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.

Very Sincerely Yours, Dick Van Dyke
 
At school when Little Johnny sees little Suzy, he asks her to climb the flag pole. When she tells him no, he offers her a $1 to climb it. "Yes", she says.

That night she tells her mother how she made$1 today climbing the flag pole for little Johnny. Her mother tells her not to do it again because all little Johnny wants to do is see her underwear.

The next day the same thing happens. When little Johnny asks her to climb it for a $1 she says no. He offers $2 and she says "Yes".

Again her she tells her mother this time how she made $2 climbing the flag pole. Her mother yells at her again and tells her not do it again because all he wants is to see her underwear.

Next day, same thing happens. Little Johnny offers her $1, she says no. He offers her $2 and she says no. So he offers her $5 and she says "yes".

Again she tells her mother how she made $5 climbing the flag pole. "That's it!", her mother says and you are in big trouble.

Little Suzy says, "wait Mommy, this time I tricked him." Her mom asked "how?" She said, "I didn't wear any underwear!"
 
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