Joke gallery

[ZiprHead]

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the crap out of it.

 

[Tigers!]

What is your most reliable body part?

You can always count on your fingers

 

[ZiprHead]

^^^ Dad Joke Alert.

 

[Tigers!]

^^^ Dad Joke Alert.

Is that now impermissible? Telling dad jokes I mean?
If so, "stone the flaming crows".

 

[bilby]

Is that now impermissible? Telling dad jokes I mean?

It's perfectly permissible, but some people don't appreciate it being sprung upon them without warning.

My family certainly seem to to take a dim view of it.

 

[Elixir]

My family certainly seem to to take a dim view of it.

I used to be like that.
Then I took off my sunglasses.

 

[ideologyhunter]

(These sound like Steven Wright toss-offs...found them in an old notebook I kept, but I certainly didn't make them up.)

Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them.

Always remember you are a unique person, just like everyone else.

There are 3 kinds of people, those who are good at math and those who aren't.

Why can't women apply mascara with their mouths closed?

Why do you 'sleep like a baby' when babies wake up every goddamn two hours?

How long do fish have to wait to swim after they eat?

On Noah's Ark, where were the woodpeckers kept?

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

What became of Original Zealand?

Is it unkind to send a Get Well card for a paper cut?

Do you need an appointment for a psychic or does she just expect you?

How did the Wicked Witch of the West bathe?

 

[bilby]

What became of Original Zealand?

It's in the Danish Straits, where it always was. Zealand is the largest island in Denmark, (excluding Greenland and Disko Island, which are on the other side of the Atlantic from Denmark proper). Most of Copenhagen is in Zealand.

 

[Elixir]

How did the Wicked Witch of the West bathe?

In witch hazel, of course.
Boy, we’re knocking off these questions in record time!

 

[James Brown]

How do you get off a nonstop flight?

Through the main cabin door, normally.

 

[Tigers!]

On Noah's Ark, where were the woodpeckers kept?

Now you know the origin of the first metal birdcage

 

[hyzer]

Favorite Steven Wright:

“I have the world’s largest seashell collection. I do, it’s so large that I have to keep it scattered on the beaches of the world.”

 

[SLD]

 

[Tigers!]

View attachment 44315

I am so tempted to report this to the terrible Dads joke bureau.
(Though Jimmy H has probably already done it)

 

[ideologyhunter]

Patrick and Finn are best friends and work at the Guinness factory. One day Finn dies at work in a terrible accident, and Patrick must tell Finn's wife the news. He knocks at the door and Finn's wife looks at him and says, 'Something bad has happened, Patrick." He says, "Oh, my dear, your Finn has fallen into the vat at work and drowned." She gasps and says, "Oh! Tell me, did he at least go quickly?" "I'm sorry to say no, my dearie. He got out three times for a pee."

 

[Elixir]

View attachment 44315

Prisms refract
/pedant

 

[ideologyhunter]

(I may have posted these pages & pages & pages ago, but so what, that just means they're pages & pages to the rear.)

A judge is sentencing a murderer. "You deliberately took a hammer and beat your wife to death." From the back of the courtroom, someone hollers, "You bastard!" The judge ignores it. "Next, you took that same hammer and beat your mother-in-law to death." From the back: "You motherfucker!!"
The judge pauses. "You there, in the back. Stand up." A short, nondescript man stands. The judge says, "I haven't charged you with contempt up to now, because these are shocking, heartbreaking crimes. But you must control yourself, do you understand?"
The man says, "Your honor, I'm sorry. But I lived next to the defendant for 15 years. And every time I asked to borrow a hammer, that son of a bitch said he didn't have one!"


A businessman gets to a new town and calls for a female escort. When she shows up at the hotel bar entrance, he can see in a flash that she's north of 50 but really has it together. As she gets closer, she just looks better. When she gets to his table he says, "I gotta say. You're no college girl, but lady, you are smokin' hot."
She says, "Thank you, honey. And since you said that, if you lay out another fifty, I'll get you some mother/daughter action that will make your head spin. Are you on?"
He looks her over again and says, "Sure."
They drive to her place. She opens the door and calls, "Mom, are you up?"

 

[bilby]

View attachment 44315

Prisms refract
/pedant

Or reflect. Depending on the angle of incidence of the light source.

Reflective prisms use total internal reflection to achieve near-perfect reflection of light that strikes the facets at a sufficiently oblique angle. Prisms are usually made of optical glass which, combined with anti-reflective coating of input and output facets, leads to significantly lower light loss than metallic mirrors.

Wikipedia.

/physics

 

[Elixir]

View attachment 44315

Prisms refract
/pedant

Or reflect. Depending on the angle of incidence of the light source.

Reflective prisms use total internal reflection to achieve near-perfect reflection of light that strikes the facets at a sufficiently oblique angle. Prisms are usually made of optical glass which, combined with anti-reflective coating of input and output facets, leads to significantly lower light loss than metallic mirrors.

Wikipedia.

/physics

I KNEW you’d be the one to bring that up!

 

[ideologyhunter]

A fire chief walks in back of a burning building and finds one of his men lying flat on the ground while another fireman blows him. The chief barks, "Jensen!! What are you doing to Mills?"
Jensen straightens up and says, "He had smoke inhalation."
The chief says, "And you thought that would help him? Give him mouth to mouth!"
Jensen says, "I did, chief. That's how all this shit got started."