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Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I’ve been with a loose girl.

The priest asked, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I can’t say."

"Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I promised not to tell."

"Nina Capelli?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Cathy Piriano?"

"I’m really sorry, Father. I can’t."

"Rosa DiAngelo?"

"I’m not saying."

The priest sighed. "Well, Joey, I admire your honesty and loyalty, but you’ll have to take a little break from altar boy duties - four months."

Joey returned to his pew. His friend Franco leaned over and whispered, "What’d you get?"

Joey grinned. "Four months off… and five great leads."
 
Little Johnny again. This joke is probably 100 years old.

Teacher says, "Third graders, what would you like to be when you grow up?" Johnny's hand is up and waving, and against her better judgment, she calls on him.
Johnny says, "I want to be a jet pilot. Then I want to run the airline and make a billion dollars. I'll go to the most expensive clubs and find the finest whore you ever saw in your life. I'll give her a mansion in Paris, a beach house in the south of France, and a Ferrari worth a million bucks. We'll take our yacht all over the world. And all the while, I'll bang her like a screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher is so taken back that she doesn't want to scold Johnny and bring up all the things he just said. She says, "Let's have someone else tell us what they'd like to be. How about you, Heather?"
Heather says, "I wanna be Johnny's whore."
 
A new rabbi is giving his first drasha (sermon) in a synagogue. Right away he can see mice running under the seats and up and down the aisle. The place has mice like McDonalds has french fries, and no one seems to notice them. He's very distracted, but he gets through the service. The congregation files out except for one elderly man, who comes up and says, "Welcome, rabbi. I saw that you noticed the mice."
The rabbi says, "Noticed? I'd have to be blind not to notice."
The elderly man says, "I'm a retired rabbi, and at my first synagogue I started out with mice. There is a cure, you know."
The rabbi says, "I'm all ears."
The elderly man says, "Okay. Tonight, you push all the seats to the sides of the room and make a big empty space in the middle. In that space, you'll make a castle of snack foods. I'm talking cookies, Reeses Pieces, Capn Crunch, popcorn, you get the idea."
The rabbi says, "I don't get it. That'll just bring more mice."
The old man says, "Let me finish. When all the mice are gathered there, eating the snacks, you perform a mass bar and bat mitzvah for them."
The rabbi says, "Why on earth would I do that?"
The old man says, "Trust me. Once they've had their mitzvahs, you aint gonna see them set foot in synagogue again."
 
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.

A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
 
Once upon a time there was a biologist. He had a broad training, but his passion was cetaceans, especially the dolphin family. He liked dolphins. He loved dolphins. He hated the thought of dolphins being hurt or even dying.

So he worked diligently towards a cure for the death of dolphins. After many years, he had narrowed down a single ingredient left. It was a protein produced in a family of Indian birds. Luckily, there were a couple of specimens in the local zoo. Unfortunately, the keepers all thought he was an obsessive weirdo and refused to let him in.

So one night he broke in to the zoo after hours. He went to the security room and hacked the system to turn off the alarms. Alas, he was a better biologist than he was a hacker, so he accidentally turned off most of the gates as well. A few animals managed to wander out of their enclosures, including an elderly lion who was more confused than dangerous. He wandered around aimlessly for a while, then settled down across what turned out to be an exit, lay down, and fell asleep.

Meanwhile, the biologist had found the aviary, found the passerines, and found the birds he was looking for. After a brief struggle, he caught one and stuffed it into a bag.

He was overjoyed at how close he was to his goal, and his dream. He raced out of the aviary, and headed out of the zoo so he could extract the protein and complete his work. He was so excited, so wrapped up in daydreams of success, he didn’t even really register the lion as he stepped over it.

When he was immediately arrested for transporting a mynah across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
 
A couple stutter jokes.

A cope asks "Whats your name, boy?"

"P-p-p-pet-pet-Peter, Sir" He replied.

"Do you have a stutter?" Asked the Cop kindly.

He answered "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who filled out my Birth Certificate was an asshole."


A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store... ..and asks, “W-w-w-what’s y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?”

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?”

Again, the clerk doesnt answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-whats y-y-your L-l-lay a-a-away p-p-policy?”

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why wouldnt you answer that guy’s question, that's just mean?” The clerk answers, “D-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get m-m-m-m-m-y ass k-k-k-icked?!!”


One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor. "D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?"

"Hop on to the table, and I'll give you an exam."

After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.

"It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected."

"I d-d-d-don't c-c-c-care. I'll d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes."

So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the doctor's office a couple of weeks later.

"Doctor, I don't stutter anymore, but my girlfriend's really mad at me. Do you think that there's any way to get it reattached?"

"I d-d-d-don't t-t-t-think s-s-s-so"


Two men go fishing, One has a stutter.

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”.

The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

Months later they both have recovered and go on another fishing trip. The stuttering man again starts saying “ssshhh”. The 2nd man starts panicking thinking he’s going to get hurt again, and so he jumps out of the boat as fast as he can.

The stuttering man says “sshhh sshhh Shark!!”


Yeah, I know it's more than a couple. :p
 
I brought a vinyl record yesterday called "Wasp sounds".
When I played it at home it did not sound like wasps at all.

Then I realised I was playing it on the bee side
 
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