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I have been getting out of bed for >60 years now.
That's at least 1 sit-up/day. About 22,000 sit-ups.

And not a single ab to show for all that work.
 
When I was a little kid, I liked paste (the minty kind they sold to elementary students, with the little dippin' paddle.)
What I thought smelled lovely, but tasted bad, was fresh ground coffee.
 
A doctor and a lawyer are chatting at a party. Four or five times in their conversation, a guest interrupts them to ask the doctor a medical question. Finally he says to the lawyer, "Are you seeing this? They think nothing of asking me for professional advice. Do you get that, when people know you're a lawyer?"
The lawyer says, "Yes, and when they do, I give them a proper answer, and then I send them a bill for my services. You should try that."
The doctor says, "A bill? But is that legal?"
The lawyer says, "It's very legal."
Next day, the doctor makes a list of all the guests who asked him a question and prepares a bill for each one, asking for a $45 consultation fee. He puts each one in an envelope and walks them over to the office mailbox. There's a bill from the lawyer waiting for him.
 
ZiprHead said:
What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.
Click to expand...
The sensation of taste is bigly reliant on the nose. Most of what we experience as the flavor of a food actually comes from olfactory input, so you could say the nose does in fact taste quite well.
/contrarian
 
Three brothers, age 98, 94, and 90 share the same house. One morning the 98-year-old is in the upstairs bathroom, with one foot in the bath. He says, "Am I getting in the bath, or getting out of it?" He calls downstairs for help, and the 94-year-old shouts, "Hold on, I'm coming to help you." He goes up one step, stops and says, "Am I going up the stairs, or coming down?" He calls out to the 90-year-old, who's in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. The 90-year-old calls out, "Do you guys need my help?" and both brothers shout back, "I don't know."
The 90-year-old raps twice on the kitchen table and says, "Knock on wood, I hope my memory never gets as bad as those guys'." Then he yells, "Hold on. I'll see who's at the door, and then I'll come help you."
 
I was getting a birthday card for my new girlfriend, and at my roommate's suggestion I got one that was green.

He told me she must need a green card if she was willing to date me, so I hope this makes her happy!


When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”


A German tourist was at Polish customs. The official asks "Occupation?"

The tourist replies "No, just visiting"
 
The Pope is staying at his seaside villa. He steps out onto the veranda in his bathrobe and sits down to enjoy the view. He's totally relaxed. He flips his Bible open to Song of Solomon and starts to practice self-abuse. He's really jerking it when he sees a flash of light from the shoreline and realizes someone snapped his picture. He fastens his robe and runs to find security. He says, "Someone's taking my picture down by the shore. Find him, bring him here!" A few minutes later, the guards hustle in a paparazzi with a camera that has a giant telephoto lens. The pope says, "My friend, I'll make you a deal, and you have one minute to take it. Choice one, my guards take you away and no one ever sees you again. You understand? Choice two, you sell me this camera for, shall we say, one million euros."
The paparazzi says, "I could sell that photo to any magazine in Europe, so you will pay me, shall we say, five million euros."
The pope stares at him, hard, and then says to security, "Get him the money."
Next morning the cleaning lady sees the new camera on the pope's vanity. She says, "Oh, your holiness, you got a brand new camera!"
Absent-mindedly, the pope says, "Yes, it cost me five million euros."
The cleaning lady says, "Five million? They must have seen you coming."
 
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