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Joke gallery

Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows.
"That was a very nice thing to do," says the second man.
"Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."
 
Keith&Co. said:
Loren Pechtel said:
bilby said:
Why don't you get hungry at the seaside?

Because sand is a common characteristic of littoral environments!
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I think you're missing a word here.
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Maybe, Because of the sand, which is a common characteristic of littoral environments.
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Well the guy who told me it in the first place actually said "Because of all the sand which is there", but that sounds a little laboured, and for this more intellectual audience, I thought it would be better to...

Oh, wait.

Sandwiches. Hey, that makes it even funnier!
 
A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties.
"You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning."
"I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences."
 
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?

"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, sir!"
 
So a lot of sailors, while i was in, were trying to get college degrees as quickly, easily and cheaply as possible.
Some had a plan, some just collected credits.
One of the latter was on my boat and during one offcrew, took an Art Appreciation class given in a classroom over at the training facility.

the first night Jimmy was there, they get to watch this French film. it starts off with this beautiful blond woman coming out of an apartment building. The instructor stops the movie, asks, 'what do you see?'
"A hot babe," Jimmy says.
"No, not quite," the instructor corrects him. "This is not a woman, but she is the typified persona of civilization. her clothes, her hairdo, her jewelry tell us that she is the epitome of our civilized desires."
"Oh." The film goes on. She gets into a sports car, that Jimmy thought looked like an expensive sports car, but learned that it was the zenith of the industrial revolution and its affect upon mankind.
She drives out of the city and through the woods. The roads get smaller and rougher and finally she's slogging through mud. The car bogs down and she gets out. Jimmy thought, "She looks like she needs a man to help her out."
"No, no, she has been failed by the artificial values of post-industrialism."
"Oh."
She takes off her clothes. Jimmy was SURE they were back to a hot, hot, hot babe. Turns out she was rejecting civilization and returning to a nudity that made her even more pure than the pure-white silk dress she had been wearing. A woman in class asked if she was going to reject the bleach in her hair, too. No, that's a feminist distraction.

She wanders through the woods and finds one, single rose. And lays down beside the rose. And the rose stem bends so the flower hovers over her thick pubic hair.
"Okay," Jimmy asks, not willing to say what he's been thinking, as he's been wrong every time so far. "What's the flower symbolize?"
"A great big throbbing dick!" the instructor shrieks, throwing the VCR remote into the corner and stomping out, never to be seen again.

"Dammit," Jimmy swore. "The one time i had it right..."
 
Two of those sailors took Astronomy 101. In the first lecture, the professor was explaining that in about five billion years, the sun will expand to engulf the rest of the solar system and destroy all life on Earth.

One guy looks at the other and moans, "Why does everything always happen to me?"
 
Veritass said:
Two of those sailors took Astronomy 101. In the first lecture, the professor was explaining that in about five billion years, the sun will expand to engulf the rest of the solar system and destroy all life on Earth.

One guy looks at the other and moans, "Why does everything always happen to me?"
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Now that's funny! :D
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.
The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.
The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"
 
Which reminds me of this one.................An Englishman a Jew and a Arab walk into a bar, the barman looks up from wiping the glasses and exclaims: "What is this, a joke?"
 
Some bad doctor's jokes from Viz:

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Why can't Catholic priests win a race?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.They're always coming in a little behind.
 
Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. She gasped and gagged.
One Texan turned to the other and said "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm gonna go over there and help."
He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big Texan hands and asked "Kin ya swaller?"
Gasping, she shook her head "No."
He asked "Can ya breathe?"
Still gasping she again shook her head "No."
With that he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her underwear and licked her ass. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the bit of hamburger that was stuck and began to breathe on her own.
The Texan sat back down with his friend and said "Ya know, it's amazin' -- that hind-lick maneuver always works!"
 
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself..... "Well this changes everything"



I remember the time when, as a UN observer, I was sent to Bosnia to investigate the possible genocide of thousands of snowmen.

On closer inspection, it turned out to be a field of carrots.
 
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