• Welcome to the new Internet Infidels Discussion Board, formerly Talk Freethought.

Joke gallery

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
 
The attorney tells the accused, “I have some good news and some bad news.”

“What’s the bad news?” asks the accused.

“The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it.”

“What’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is 130.” [ English measurement 5]
 
Q: What happened to the man who confused toothpaste with putty?


A: His windows fell out but his teeth didn't



(From my youngest nephew at Christmas)
 
Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”
-
Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”
 
More restaurant jokes. An agitated man calls the waiter over. " Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?" The waiter replies: " it appears to be doing the backstroke sir!"
 
I tried to donate blood today. NEVER AGAIN! Too many invasive questions!


Whose blood is this?

Where did you get it?

Why is in a bucket?

 
Those who can do;
those who can't do teach;
those who can't teach teach teachers;
those who can't teach teachers become bureaucrats.

(maybe not really a joke)
 
A little longish, but here goes...............................Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his assistant Paddy. “I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients.” “Yes, sir!” answers Paddy. The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: “So, Paddy, how was your day?” Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.” “Bravo Mate and the second one?” asks the doctor. “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin”. “Excellent. You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor. “Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For five years I haven’t seen a man!'” “Good God” says the doctor.”What did you do?” I put drops in her eyes.
 
angelo said:
A little longish, but here goes...............................Doctor wanted to get off work and play golf, so he approached his assistant Paddy. “I am going golfing tomorrow Paddy and I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all of our patients.” “Yes, sir!” answers Paddy. The doctor goes off to golf and returns the following day and asks: “So, Paddy, how was your day?” Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Panadol.” “Bravo Mate and the second one?” asks the doctor. “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Asprin”. “Excellent. You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asks the doctor. “Well, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a woman possessed, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME! For five years I haven’t seen a man!'” “Good God” says the doctor.”What did you do?” I put drops in her eyes.
Click to expand...

And that’s how Paddy saved the Doctor's license.
 
Two coppers had an accident in their police car.
"Do you realise that this is the first time we have been first to the scene of accident", said one to the other.
 
Some Pies supporter ditties.

Why did the Collingwood supporter cross the road?
Centrelink was on the other side



What's the difference between the Collingwood fan and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste 25 matches.



How do you inflict 12 months of acute pain on a Pies supporter?
Buy them a membership for Christmas!


What do u say to a Collingwood supporter with a job?
I'll have fries with that thanks
 
More Pies ditties..................

You know you're a Collingwood supporter when:
1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
5. You think 'loaded dishwasher' means your wife is drunk.
6. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
 
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
 
ZiprHead said:
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.

When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.

"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Click to expand...

Ha! The first time I heard that joke it was three Irish brothers, and the protagonist gave up drinking for Lent.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom