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Joke gallery

Tigers! said:
SLD said:
If you neuter your pets it will make them less nuts.
Click to expand...
I'll try it on a squirrel.
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I was gonna say, it probably won't work. "You are what you eat and all". That was the other fork I was contemplating going down with ZiprHead. I went with the more, rather than less flattering interpretation about Mrs ZiprHead.

Not that it's unflattering to be gargling nuts, mind. But it is unflattering to be be told you gargle nuts
 
I went to a disco last night. They played the twist, so I did the twist.
They played jump, so I jumped. Then they played "Come on Eileen"
...I got kicked out after that one!
 
The CEO of Ikea in Idontgiveastan has just been electing president of his country.
Ask when he will take over he replies.

I am still assembling my cabinet
 
A man comes home from work to find his best friend in bed with his wife. He shouts,”Harry, I have to fuck her . . . But why you?”
 
Siri, Why do I have so much trouble keeping women interested?

I am Alexa



My wife says I do not listen to her enough. Or something like that.
 
An Abraham Lincoln joke:

A young Abe Lincoln was splitting rails one day at his farm, when suddenly he heard a click. He looked up to see a man pointing a rifle at him. ”What in the blazes are you doing?” Cried Lincoln. The mas stared at him through a wrapped up face and said, “I swore if I ever found a man uglier than myself, I’d kill him!” Lincoln thought about it for a second and said, “Well, let’s take a look at you.” The man unwrapped his face, and Lincoln looked at him and said, “Damn, if I’m uglier than you, then blaze away!”

I’m sure it was true!
 
SLD said:
An Abraham Lincoln joke:

A young Abe Lincoln was splitting rails one day at his farm, when suddenly he heard a click. He looked up to see a man pointing a rifle at him. ”What in the blazes are you doing?” Cried Lincoln. The mas stared at him through a wrapped up face and said, “I swore if I ever found a man uglier than myself, I’d kill him!” Lincoln thought about it for a second and said, “Well, let’s take a look at you.” The man unwrapped his face, and Lincoln looked at him and said, “Damn, if I’m uglier than you, then blaze away!”

I’m sure it was true!
Click to expand...
Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the joke?"
 
  • Haha
Reactions: SLD
Another Lincoln joke:

When Lincoln was campaigning for Congress in 1846, he faced a popular Methodist preacher, Rev. Peter Cartwright. Lincoln decided to show up at one of his revivals held during the middle of the campaign. When Cartwright came to the altar call, summoning sinners to accept Jesus and be saved, he noticed that Lincoln was there and sitting down, declining to come forward.

”If you’re not going to repent and go to heaven, Mr. Lincoln,” he cried out for all to hear, “where are you going?”

Lincoln simply replied, “I am going to Congress, brother Cartwright!”

And sure enough, he did.
 
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