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- 40,023
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- Frozen in Michigan
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- Old Fart
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- Don't be a dick.
My wife asked me to pass her her lipstick. I gave her the kids glue stick instead. She still isn’t talking to me.
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- Thread starter laughing dog
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hyzer
Veteran Member
There is pretty funny tape out there of Art Bell telling the story of how, during a commercial break in his show, tried to fix a broken cart stack with a stick of superglue, opening the top with his mouth and gluing his lips together.
Tigers!
Veteran Member
- Joined
- Sep 19, 2005
- Messages
- 4,553
- Location
- On the wing, waiting for a kick.
- Basic Beliefs
- Bible believing revelational redemptionist (Baptist)
Anything for a happy marriage.
ideologyhunter
Contributor
Three cowboys are eatin' beans around the campfire. Suddenly, from out on the lone prairie, a drumbeat starts. They sit up straight and lock eyes. One of them says, "I don't like the sound o' them drums, pardners."
A shrill Indian voice calls out from the darkness: "He's not our regular drummer!"
A shrill Indian voice calls out from the darkness: "He's not our regular drummer!"
Janice Rael
Maybe it's literal, maybe hyperbole.™
- Joined
- May 3, 2024
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- Jenkintown PA
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- Surprise me, or she/her
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- I believe I need to ask more people
It's not a joke. These are two poems, songs, chants, or what have you, that are and have been relevant to my life; to my marriage (from 1993 to 2017). Important life rules.
See, if I or my late spouse had ever encountered bathroom-related obstacles (had we ever!), we'd briefly summarize our problem based on these poems/songs. I was an opiate medicine-taking person for most of those years, which I mention since it contributed to a problem I had. He had a reverse problem, which has its own, separate poem and song.
FIRST POEM:
"Brokenhearted"
Here I sit, brokenhearted
Came to shit, but only farted
Later on, I took a chance
Tried to fart, and shit my pants
#
Therefore: If one is constipated, one is "brokenhearted" until the poop train chugs through and out.
Furthermore: Never trust a fart!
We do indeed have stories about the consequences of trusting a fart, or, trying to pass gas without pooping.
THE OPPOSITE PROBLEM? One announces "Some people think it's funny!" as one dashes into or out of the bathroom. This poem is a song that you may know.
SECOND POEM:
Some people think it's funny
But it's really wet and runny
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
Yes, there is a whole entire song for the second poem. The addition of "Cha Cha Cha" to the "Diarrhea Song" refrain was popularized in the 1990s MTV cartoon by Mike Judge, "Beavis and Butthead."
You're sliding into First
And your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're sliding into Second
And you need a disinfectant
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're sliding into Third
And you lay a great big turd
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're sliding into Home
And your pants begin to foam
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
No strain, no pain
No sitting like a train
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're climbing up a ladder
And you hear something splatter
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're swimming in the pool
And you feel something [un]cool
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
#
DO YOU SING THE SONGS OF MY PEOPLE, INFIIDELS?
Have you ever been Brokenhearted by being literally full of shit?
Have you ever thought that some people think it's funny if or when you may have accidentally crapped your own pants?
Lament and woe, lament and woe. Songs and poems help us go.
... go POOP.
See, if I or my late spouse had ever encountered bathroom-related obstacles (had we ever!), we'd briefly summarize our problem based on these poems/songs. I was an opiate medicine-taking person for most of those years, which I mention since it contributed to a problem I had. He had a reverse problem, which has its own, separate poem and song.
FIRST POEM:
"Brokenhearted"
Here I sit, brokenhearted
Came to shit, but only farted
Later on, I took a chance
Tried to fart, and shit my pants
#
Therefore: If one is constipated, one is "brokenhearted" until the poop train chugs through and out.
Furthermore: Never trust a fart!
We do indeed have stories about the consequences of trusting a fart, or, trying to pass gas without pooping.
THE OPPOSITE PROBLEM? One announces "Some people think it's funny!" as one dashes into or out of the bathroom. This poem is a song that you may know.
SECOND POEM:
Some people think it's funny
But it's really wet and runny
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
Yes, there is a whole entire song for the second poem. The addition of "Cha Cha Cha" to the "Diarrhea Song" refrain was popularized in the 1990s MTV cartoon by Mike Judge, "Beavis and Butthead."
You're sliding into First
And your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're sliding into Second
And you need a disinfectant
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're sliding into Third
And you lay a great big turd
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're sliding into Home
And your pants begin to foam
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
No strain, no pain
No sitting like a train
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're climbing up a ladder
And you hear something splatter
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
You're swimming in the pool
And you feel something [un]cool
Diarrhea, [Cha Cha Cha], diarrhea [Cha Cha Cha]
#
DO YOU SING THE SONGS OF MY PEOPLE, INFIIDELS?
Have you ever been Brokenhearted by being literally full of shit?
Have you ever thought that some people think it's funny if or when you may have accidentally crapped your own pants?
Lament and woe, lament and woe. Songs and poems help us go.
... go POOP.
ideologyhunter
Contributor
If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN....
...you'll make them mad.
...you'll make them mad.
ideologyhunter
Contributor
Define West Virginia foreplay.
"Hey Sis...you awake?"
"Hey Sis...you awake?"
ideologyhunter
Contributor
Why are so many West Virginia homicides cold cases?
Because the DNA all matches and there are no dental records.
What did the West Virginia gal say a moment after losing her virginity?
"Git up, daddy, yer crushin my Marlboros."
Because the DNA all matches and there are no dental records.
What did the West Virginia gal say a moment after losing her virginity?
"Git up, daddy, yer crushin my Marlboros."
ideologyhunter
Contributor
What is BMW's biggest headache with workers who quit?
They never give any indication that they're leaving.
Difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
On a porcupine, the pricks are outside.
Cheapest part of a BMW?
The owner.
If life seems pointless, remember that somewhere, a person spends his whole day installing turn signals on BMWs.
They never give any indication that they're leaving.
Difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
On a porcupine, the pricks are outside.
Cheapest part of a BMW?
The owner.
If life seems pointless, remember that somewhere, a person spends his whole day installing turn signals on BMWs.
ideologyhunter
Contributor
Guy walks into a bar and sees three men and a dog playing poker. "This has to be some prank," he thinks, so he goes over to watch the game. The dog is really playing, though. It shuffles the deck, deals cards by pushing with his nose, antes up, and barks in his bets. Finally the guy says, "I thought you guys were messing with everyone's heads, but now I think I'm watching the world's smartest dog." One of the players winks and says, "He aint as smart as he looks. Every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail."