SLD
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People just use “congrats” because they can’t spell congratulashuns.
Joke gallery
- Thread starter laughing dog
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unapologetic
55+ years without a god
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- Hasa Diga Eebowai, antitheist,
Tigers!
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What do you call a camel with no hump?
Humpfrey
Humpfrey
Tigers!
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It is amazing that the Canary Islands have no canaries.
And the same on the Virgin Islands. No canaries either.
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
A book fell on my head. I have only my shelf to blame.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
And the same on the Virgin Islands. No canaries either.
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
A book fell on my head. I have only my shelf to blame.
I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
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- Old Fart
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- Don't be a dick.
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
Why did the snowman suddenly smile?
He could see the snowblower coming.
How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
Ken came in another box.
Why did the snowman suddenly smile?
He could see the snowblower coming.
How do you spot a blind person at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
bilby
Fair dinkum thinkum
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The Canary Islands are not named after Canaries, though. They were named after dogs by the Romans, but the name "Isle of Dogs" was taken by the Eastenders, and is the site of Canary Wharf, where produce from the Fortunate Isles (as the islands were also known) was unloaded.
The birds were named after the islands, rather than the other way around.
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ideologyhunter
Contributor
I've always wondered how Dildo, Newfoundland was named. No one knows. My theory: it was named by the whalers' wives during the trips out.
DrZoidberg
Contributor
"How many postmodernists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
"None. Darkness is a social construct"
"None. Darkness is a social construct"
Tigers!
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I wonder it originated? All site are islands. Blown here and there?
DrZoidberg
Contributor
I wonder it originated? All site are islands. Blown here and there?
Here's another fun fact about the Island. The Spanish slave plantations on the Canary Islands, and the mechanism with which slaves were transported there and controlled, served as the blueprint for the translatlantic slave trade.
bilby
Fair dinkum thinkum
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The birds are named for the islands, so my guess is that they evolved there. The islands are in the trade wind belt, so getting there from Africa isn't as big a deal as getting back, for a small bird that might one day have descendants who become canaries.I wonder it originated? All site are islands. Blown here and there?
ideologyhunter
Contributor
A charter boat captain does a bachelorette cruise. The boat capsizes, and he ends up on an island with six young women. They work out a system where each week, he'll spend a day and night with one of the women. After a few weeks of this, the captain is totally worn out. His one thought is how much he needs some other guys on the island to split up the workload.
One day he sees a man clinging to a log out in the water. He can't believe his luck. He swims out to help the guy. As he gets close he blurts out, "Look at you -- you're young and strong, you're a sight for sore eyes!"
The man on the log says, "Right back at you. That tan you have is fabulous!"
The captain says, "Christ, there go my Sundays."
One day he sees a man clinging to a log out in the water. He can't believe his luck. He swims out to help the guy. As he gets close he blurts out, "Look at you -- you're young and strong, you're a sight for sore eyes!"
The man on the log says, "Right back at you. That tan you have is fabulous!"
The captain says, "Christ, there go my Sundays."
ideologyhunter
Contributor
Ice cream truck drives down a street. The driver sees a housewife run out of her house, waving at him to stop. He pulls over and goes back to the order window.
She comes up and says breathlessly, "I need to tell you I'm vegan."
The driver says, "Gee, I'm sorry, none of my ice cream is vegan."
She says, "That's okay, I don't want ice cream."
The driver says, "Well, we have cookies and candy bars, but I can't guarantee that those are vegan."
She says, "I don't want those either."
The driver says, "Then what did you want?"
She says, "I wanted to tell you I'm vegan."
She comes up and says breathlessly, "I need to tell you I'm vegan."
The driver says, "Gee, I'm sorry, none of my ice cream is vegan."
She says, "That's okay, I don't want ice cream."
The driver says, "Well, we have cookies and candy bars, but I can't guarantee that those are vegan."
She says, "I don't want those either."
The driver says, "Then what did you want?"
She says, "I wanted to tell you I'm vegan."
DrZoidberg
Contributor
ideologyhunter
Contributor
A woman is facing the big five-oh. She has a nice job, so she decides to treat herself to a facelift. $20 K and two weeks later, the stitches come out. A week after that, she sees the surgeon for one final check. Then she saunters out on the street, feeling great. She ducks into McDonalds and asks the server, "How old do you think I am? You can be completely honest."
The girl says, "About 33 or so."
The woman says, "Bless you, but I'm fifty!!"
She continues down the street to a drug store and decides to quiz the cashier. "How old would you say I am? Say whatever number comes into your head."
The young woman looks at her and says, "I'm getting 29, maybe 30."
The woman crows, "I am fifty years old, and you are a doll!!"
She continues down the street to a bus shelter, where she spots an elderly man. She says, "Sir, I'm taking a little poll. Would you please guess my age?"
The old guy says, "Ma'am, I don't see well at all, so I really can't tell. But I learned a technique years and years ago. If I could reach into your bra and handle your jugglies, I would know for sure."
She says, "Not on your life!" and takes a few steps back. But she's in such a good mood, and the bus shelter offers some privacy, so she gives in, telling him he'd better be quick. The old guy slips his hands in, squeezes each one like a Nerf ball, gives each one a little pinch, and then juggles them up and down. He mooshes them both together, then tweaks each one. At this point the woman pulls back and says, "You've had enough time. How old am I?"
He says, "I reckon you are fifty years old, right on the nose."
She says, "How the hell do you know that?"
The old guy says, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
The girl says, "About 33 or so."
The woman says, "Bless you, but I'm fifty!!"
She continues down the street to a drug store and decides to quiz the cashier. "How old would you say I am? Say whatever number comes into your head."
The young woman looks at her and says, "I'm getting 29, maybe 30."
The woman crows, "I am fifty years old, and you are a doll!!"
She continues down the street to a bus shelter, where she spots an elderly man. She says, "Sir, I'm taking a little poll. Would you please guess my age?"
The old guy says, "Ma'am, I don't see well at all, so I really can't tell. But I learned a technique years and years ago. If I could reach into your bra and handle your jugglies, I would know for sure."
She says, "Not on your life!" and takes a few steps back. But she's in such a good mood, and the bus shelter offers some privacy, so she gives in, telling him he'd better be quick. The old guy slips his hands in, squeezes each one like a Nerf ball, gives each one a little pinch, and then juggles them up and down. He mooshes them both together, then tweaks each one. At this point the woman pulls back and says, "You've had enough time. How old am I?"
He says, "I reckon you are fifty years old, right on the nose."
She says, "How the hell do you know that?"
The old guy says, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
ideologyhunter
Contributor
A man kneels in a confessional and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I was with ten different women last week. And when I say I was with them, I mean I had unconsecrated sexual intercourse with all ten of 'em. Ten."
The priest is silent for a long moment. At last he says in a measured voice. "This is what you will do. You will buy ten lemons on the way home. You will cut each lemon in half and squeeze all the juice out of them. And then you will drink all the juice straight down."
The man says, "And will I be forgiven, then?"
The priest says, "No, but it will wipe that goddamned smirk off your face."
The priest is silent for a long moment. At last he says in a measured voice. "This is what you will do. You will buy ten lemons on the way home. You will cut each lemon in half and squeeze all the juice out of them. And then you will drink all the juice straight down."
The man says, "And will I be forgiven, then?"
The priest says, "No, but it will wipe that goddamned smirk off your face."
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ideologyhunter
Contributor
You: Knock knock.
Them: Who's there?
You: Doctor With No People Skills.
Them: Doctor With --
You: YA GOT CANCER!!
Them: Who's there?
You: Doctor With No People Skills.
Them: Doctor With --
You: YA GOT CANCER!!
TV and credit cards
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Reminds me of the old Singing Telegram joke.
"Sir, I can't sing this. I just can't."
"You work for a singing telegram company. Now Sing!"
"Do da do di do do, your mother's dead."
ideologyhunter
Contributor
Two guys are playing chess. One says to the other, "Care to make this interesting?"
So they packed up the chess set.
So they packed up the chess set.