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A man calls his doctor. He says, "My son came and talked with me, and the way he describes it, I think he has the clap."
The doctor says, "Little Joey?"
The man says, "He isn't little anymore. He was screwing the cleaning lady."
The doctor says, "Well, legally, we have to track down all the carriers. So you bring little Joey and the cleaning lady in here, and I'll treat both of them."
The man says, "And, uh, I screwed her too, and I think I have it."
The doctor says, "All right. All three of you come in for treatment."
The man says, "And, um, I think my wife has symptoms, too."
The doctor says, "Jesus Christ!! Now we all have it!!"
 
Little Eddie comes inside from playing with his pals. He says to his grandma, "What's it called when two people are sleeping in the same bedroom, and one is on top of the other?"
Grandma says, "You're too young to be asking. Who told you to say that?"
Eddie says, "Well, Tony says it happens in his house."
Grandma thinks and says, "All right. I'll teach you the real word for it, and it won't be the words your playmates use. It is called intercourse. So now you know."Eddie goes back outside. About a half hour later he comes back and says, "Grandma, it's not called innercourse. It's called bunk beds. And Tony's mom wants to talk to you."
 
A man is packing up to go golfing when his wife starts in on the jobs she wants done. She says, "You're going golfing now? The bathroom sink is still dripping."
He says, "Right. Am I a plumber?"
She says, "And the lamp in the living room keeps shorting out."
He says, "And am I an electrician?"
She says, "Can you at least mow the lawn?"
He says, "Am I a gardener?" and leaves the house.
Four hours later he comes home and finds that all three jobs were taken care of. He says to his wife, "How did you get them all done?"
She says, "I called Ron from down the street."
He says, "Did he charge you a fortune?"
She says, "No, Ron said he'd do it for a chocolate cake or a blow job."
He says, "Yeah, Ron does like his desserts."
She says, "What, am I baker?"
 
unapologetic said:
Inspirational thought of the week:
Someday a mortician will get to superglue his mouth shut.
Click to expand...
Yes, but before that, a succession of certified nursing assistants are going to have to feed him, bathe him, change his incontinence pads, listen to endless bellowing that his turds are more massive than Julius Caesar's, endure lengthy tirades of scatological insults...I mean, if I were Melania, I'd be begging him to reconsider a guest worker program.
 
A man goes up to a minister and says, "Excuse me, do you know the wifi password in this place?"
The minister whispers, "This is your mother's funeral, show a little respect!!"
The man whispers back, "Is that all lower case?"
 
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A new inmate is shown to his cell. His cellmates are a younger guy, about 30, and an older guy who's lying on his bunk humming.
The newbie says, "I'm in here for dope. What did you do?"
The younger guy says, "I confessed to a gas station holdup that I didn't do."
The newbie says, "Why in hell did you do that?"
The guy says, "My mother-in-law moved in with us."
The newbie points to the old guy and says, "What about him?"
The guy says, "That's her husband."
 
A man is going through his deceased grandfather's possessions. He finds a ticket for a pair of shoes that were left at a shoe repair in 1959. He looks at the address and thinks, what the hell, that's right around the corner from work. The next day he looks up the address. It's still a shoe repair. He goes in, and there's a wizened little man sitting up front. He hands the ticket over and says, "Any chance I could get these shoes?"
The old man takes the ticket and says, "Gee willikers, that's an old ticket. I doubt it, but let me go into the back room." He goes into the back and is gone for 15 minutes. Finally he comes back out and says, "Would you believe it, those shoes are still there! I can have them ready for you a week from Monday."
 
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