Parenting Megathread

[rousseau]

Yeah, that’s real, isn’t it! We marveled at the milestones of getting our time back. We loved the childhood of the kids and don’t regret the time investment… but when we go to the milestones that restored freedom - we celebrated:

Thanks for the post.

I don't mind spending most of my time with them, but what I've found hard so far is the complete lack of time to ourselves. When it was just our toddler and his bedtime was consistent, he'd go down at about 7:30 and we were guaranteed a bit of rest every day. It made a big difference.

So lately when we want some me time the kids become appendages, we go where we want and drag them along. Some days we'll do stuff for them, other days we'll do stuff for us.

We are getting some of our night back now that our baby's hit the three month mark. And it's been great watching our toddler enter the world of language, he's got a pretty strong vocabulary at this point.

You can take turns giving each other a break; walk or reading or shower or meal prep ALONE, even for an hour. And also the opportunity for some one on one time with the big one and also with the small one.

I know how impossible this sounds to you right now, but these days go so fast!

There's been some of that, usually when one of us has some kind of special event come up. A few days ago I took them both while she went out for dinner with her co-workers, late May she took them to her parents while I watched the Champion's League Final.

Truthfully, I have a hard time asking for a break for no reason. And most of what I do in our city is visit bookstores, which is pretty agreeable with our toddler. Occasionally I'll do groceries and not bring him, which is a bit of a reprieve. And when my wife does decide to take them for a full day I often just get a bit listless. All I really need is a few hours to relax before bed.

Usually I try to minimize the time she's alone with both, but she doesn't tend to go out too often without either (I do offer). Most of her social events end up being child-related, play dates, play groups etc.

What I tend not to do much is go out alone with the baby, but I do take my time with him at home. We'll walk around the block together, walk around our backyard, or I'll just prop him up on my legs and play with him. Toddler also appreciates this as it gives him alone time with mom.

 

[Toni]

Yeah, that’s real, isn’t it! We marveled at the milestones of getting our time back. We loved the childhood of the kids and don’t regret the time investment… but when we go to the milestones that restored freedom - we celebrated:

Thanks for the post.

I don't mind spending most of my time with them, but what I've found hard so far is the complete lack of time to ourselves. When it was just our toddler and his bedtime was consistent, he'd go down at about 7:30 and we were guaranteed a bit of rest every day. It made a big difference.

So lately when we want some me time the kids become appendages, we go where we want and drag them along. Some days we'll do stuff for them, other days we'll do stuff for us.

We are getting some of our night back now that our baby's hit the three month mark. And it's been great watching our toddler enter the world of language, he's got a pretty strong vocabulary at this point.

You can take turns giving each other a break; walk or reading or shower or meal prep ALONE, even for an hour. And also the opportunity for some one on one time with the big one and also with the small one.

I know how impossible this sounds to you right now, but these days go so fast!

There's been some of that, usually when one of us has some kind of special event come up. A few days ago I took them both while she went out for dinner with her co-workers, late May she took them to her parents while I watched the Champion's League Final.

Truthfully, I have a hard time asking for a break for no reason. And most of what I do in our city is visit bookstores, which is pretty agreeable with our toddler. Occasionally I'll do groceries and not bring him, which is a bit of a reprieve. And when my wife does decide to take them for a full day I often just get a bit listless. All I really need is a few hours to relax before bed.

Usually I try to minimize the time she's alone with both, but she doesn't tend to go out too often without either (I do offer). Most of her social events end up being child-related, play dates, play groups etc.

What I tend not to do much is go out alone with the baby, but I do take my time with him at home. We'll walk around the block together, walk around our backyard, or I'll just prop him up on my legs and play with him. Toddler also appreciates this as it gives him alone time with mom.

When my kids were small, what I really appreciated was the opportunity to have a few hours or even just a couple to read uninterrupted. Or to take a bath without anyone joining me. Like your wife, most of my social time involved getting together with other mothers of young children and the kids playing while we had some tea and conversation. It was very interrupted conversation but still....

 

[rousseau]

When my kids were small, what I really appreciated was the opportunity to have a few hours or even just a couple to read uninterrupted. Or to take a bath without anyone joining me. Like your wife, most of my social time involved getting together with other mothers of young children and the kids playing while we had some tea and conversation. It was very interrupted conversation but still....

She's in early childhood education, and most of her friends from work started having babies around the same time. So there's been lots of opportunity for play dates. And it kills two birds with one stone as we end up building relationships with other families and I get dad friends.

She's not much of a reader, but I'll often pull out a book when we're with the kids. I read so much over the past decade that nothing I read is too urgent, but I figure it does model reading for them.

 

[Toni]

When my kids were small, what I really appreciated was the opportunity to have a few hours or even just a couple to read uninterrupted. Or to take a bath without anyone joining me. Like your wife, most of my social time involved getting together with other mothers of young children and the kids playing while we had some tea and conversation. It was very interrupted conversation but still....

She's in early childhood education, and most of her friends from work started having babies around the same time. So there's been lots of opportunity for play dates. And it kills two birds with one stone as we end up building relationships with other families and I get dad friends.

She's not much of a reader, but I'll often pull out a book when we're with the kids. I read so much over the past decade that nothing I read is too urgent, but I figure it does model reading for them.

I don't think I've ever associated the word urgent with reading for pleasure.

 

[rousseau]

When my kids were small, what I really appreciated was the opportunity to have a few hours or even just a couple to read uninterrupted. Or to take a bath without anyone joining me. Like your wife, most of my social time involved getting together with other mothers of young children and the kids playing while we had some tea and conversation. It was very interrupted conversation but still....

She's in early childhood education, and most of her friends from work started having babies around the same time. So there's been lots of opportunity for play dates. And it kills two birds with one stone as we end up building relationships with other families and I get dad friends.

She's not much of a reader, but I'll often pull out a book when we're with the kids. I read so much over the past decade that nothing I read is too urgent, but I figure it does model reading for them.

I don't think I've ever associated the word urgent with reading for pleasure.

Poor word choice maybe? I'm mostly into non-fiction, but don't come across too many books I'd call myself passionate about these days. So I'll pick them up when I have some time, but can usually take or leave them.

 

[Toni]

I think I mostly see (fiction) books as old friends; new ones as new old friends. I'm making an effort to read more non-fiction but I don't get lost in those the way I do in a good novel.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

My daughter at Mid-Ohio. She likes Alex Palou, but likes the trucks even more.

Apparently the photo didn't show up. Had another one of those med days on race day when we were primarily staying in one spot. I noticed she went spacey and was staring off into nothingness. Gave her 5 mg of her medicine and in five or ten minutes she suddenly and actively engaged. I need to do better in picking up when this happens.

Much like in Chicago where unmedicated daughter (I forgot, it was 6 AM) at Adler Planetarium was bouncing from thing to thing and medicated daughter at Shedd Aquarium next morning was reading the exhibits.

I always feared the "overmedicating" thing, but for her, she needs it. So much, it makes such a difference in her ability to concentrate or sometimes to be where she is. Probably going to shift her to a dose during school.

 

[crazyfingers]

Stinky feet and stinky arm pits!!

 

[crazyfingers]

I just endured a 45 minute call with my daughter with complains and poor me and almost yelling at me for all of the things what are wrong with her life as if it's our fault that her biomom neglected her and she had to be put out for adoption at 3 and half years old.

For years because of her Reactive Attachment Disorder she terrorized our home, me, my wife, the boys. She was hospitalized 18 times for dangerous behaviors. She had to live at a residential school for a year. I will never be the same. I was never that much of an anxious person before the kids.

My wife will never be the same. The boys will never be the same. For years she'd scream and hit and threw things and kick holes in the walls and but she thinks that my wife in particular should be over that trauma and be able to take all the unending drama that my daughter runs into. The boys and I loved in the basement it seems for years while my daughter screamed and yelled upstairs.

My wife simply can not get drawn into more drama. She's reached the limit. She has to protect her own mental health. For that reason she can't spend lots of time on the phone with my daughter. She doesn't respond to most of her texts. But because of her ADHD she doesn't respond very often to my txts or those of the boys.

My wife loves our daughter a lot. But when the drama flairs up she just can't take it. It makes her physically sick being exposed to my daughters drama and especially her tone of voice when she's elevated. My daughter visits for an evening and things are fine but if my daughter gets aggitated my wife can not take being retraumatized

And so because I do answer my daughters calls I get it all yelled to at me. And I just had to take an anxiety pill.

I hate it that when my daughter calls I have no idea if she's going to be happy about something for if it's going to be a 30-45 minute crying, yelling and venting call when it's all directed at me as if a verbal assault. I love her too. She's living at my parents house and we are not charging rent or charging for any of the utilities. We slip her some money from time to time for things that come up. I gave her my parent's car but she's mad that when my sons finally get their licenses we may get them a car too. Saturday, because their money is tight I will be going over there to buy my daughter a $165 down trash sticker.

Yes my daughter started out life shitty. Her biomom really screwed her up with Reactive Attachment Disorder. But we have done everything we can do to help her make a success of herself but she somehow keeps losing her jobs. I can't fix everything. And yet it gets all thrown back at us.

Her boyfriend is living at my parents house too because his family is a total mess and he got thrown out. They want to get married but I sure hope that between the two of them they don't end up pushing each other away.

A person can only take so much drama inclicted upon oneself by someone we love but can only do so much to help.

 

[Toni]

Hugs to you all. That’s a tough set of circumstances from the beginning to present for all of you,

The only think I can suggest is to decide what limits you (all) can live with and set them. Try to stick with them.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Daughter is having trouble in school with friends. Her maturity level is just so much lower than those around her, but she is starting to at least notice it. It is hard because she definitely seems nice, but she is too erratic. Hopefully this is a sign of her socially maturing (later than average) and this will help her with friends in the near future. On the good news side, we finally received the 3rd grade assessments from the Spring a few weeks into fourth grade (yeah, the GOP in Ohio wants to score schools badly when they can't even get this stuff out in a timely manner). My daughter had slipped a bit in the fall, so we were wondering about her ability to manage testing and assessments and staying on focus. Well, this past Spring she pegged the meter for the math score... as in it wasn't possible to get a higher one. So happy about that on multiple levels.

 

[Toni]

Are there opportunities for your daughter to have friends over, on a one to one basis in your home?

 

[rousseau]

Not too many issues for us lately, but it's been nice getting over the initial hump of a newborn and adjustment to two. We're definitely hitting our stride now, and there's a definite relax and enjoy the rest of our lives feel. There's been something on the horizon consistently since we got engaged in 2016. But now we're married, have got our house in good shape, decent careers, and both of our boys healthy/happy.

We just started baby on solids which has been a lot of fun, great that we know what we're doing now and don't need to stress out about it. Toddler started preschool this month and is the youngest of 16 kids in his room. That's been an adjustment for him for sure, but he's managing to keep up. Baby starts daycare at the end of February, and thankfully the Federal government just released a new childcare program which is going to cut our costs in half. Otherwise we would have been paying about 2k/month with the both of them in there.

 

[rousseau]

Daughter is having trouble in school with friends. Her maturity level is just so much lower than those around her, but she is starting to at least notice it. It is hard because she definitely seems nice, but she is too erratic. Hopefully this is a sign of her socially maturing (later than average) and this will help her with friends in the near future. On the good news side, we finally received the 3rd grade assessments from the Spring a few weeks into fourth grade (yeah, the GOP in Ohio wants to score schools badly when they can't even get this stuff out in a timely manner). My daughter had slipped a bit in the fall, so we were wondering about her ability to manage testing and assessments and staying on focus. Well, this past Spring she pegged the meter for the math score... as in it wasn't possible to get a higher one. So happy about that on multiple levels.

Another point to consider, some people are just a bit awkward their whole lives and don't end up finding their circle until later in life. It might be one of those things where her eventual clique will be off to the side, and not the mainstream.

 

[crazyfingers]

So my daughter is really making me feel really guilty but rationally I don't believe that I should be feeling guilty. And yet I still feel like crap.

We have a lot of stuff in our house. Stuff largely because raising our 3 adopted kids who all had and still have serious issues, though it's getting better, especially my daughter who was hospitalized 18 times for dangerous behaviors in our house, we focused all of our energy on the kids and little energy left over for keeping things uncluttered.

She moved out after failing out of college. She moved in with her boyfriend at his parents house. They were kicked out. They are now living at my second house I inherited from my parents.

In the meantime we have used her old bedroom here to store stuff because we don't want to put more clutter into my parents house because my daughter and her boyfriend are living there.

My daughter just had a birthday. She turned 22. We invited her to come over tomorrow for a small party as she has not had time to come over sooner because she works. She and the boys want to go into Boston tomorrow and stay in town late so tomorrow wouldn't work for a small party. She wanted to come over tonight, with her kitten, and boyfriend, and spend the night here, leave the kitten here for the day and evening.

There is no room in her bedroom because since she hasn't lived here for about a year and a half, we have stored stuff in her room. But her room here is partly stuffed with stuff because we didn't want to store more stuff at the house she is living in because they are trying to live there.

She's accusing me of making it impossible for her to move back in if she never needs to.

She is living rent free in my other house. We are paying her utilities and it's only 37 minute drive from one house to the other. The dishwasher there just died and we agreed to buy a new one as soon as they can figure out the details.

So because she feels we are keeping her from staying here because her room is full, she's invited the boys over there tonight and then go into Boston tomorrow and basically saying she doesn't want to see me or my wife.

When she was living here she said she couldn't wait to move out. She moved out. She is using my other house for free but is offended that we are using her old room to store things in.

I was looking for a happy weekend.

 

[Jarhyn]

So my daughter is really making me feel really guilty but rationally I don't believe that I should be feeling guilty. And yet I still feel like crap.

We have a lot of stuff in our house. Stuff largely because raising our 3 adopted kids who all had and still have serious issues, though it's getting better, especially my daughter who was hospitalized 18 times for dangerous behaviors in our house, we focused all of our energy on the kids and little energy left over for keeping things uncluttered.

She moved out after failing out of college. She moved in with her boyfriend at his parents house. They were kicked out. They are now living at my second house I inherited from my parents.

In the meantime we have used her old bedroom here to store stuff because we don't want to put more clutter into my parents house because my daughter and her boyfriend are living there.

My daughter just had a birthday. She turned 22. We invited her to come over tomorrow for a small party as she has not had time to come over sooner because she works. She and the boys want to go into Boston tomorrow and stay in town late so tomorrow wouldn't work for a small party. She wanted to come over tonight, with her kitten, and boyfriend, and spend the night here, leave the kitten here for the day and evening.

There is no room in her bedroom because since she hasn't lived here for about a year and a half, we have stored stuff in her room. But her room here is partly stuffed with stuff because we didn't want to store more stuff at the house she is living in because they are trying to live there.

She's accusing me of making it impossible for her to move back in if she never needs to.

She is living rent free in my other house. We are paying her utilities and it's only 37 minute drive from one house to the other. The dishwasher there just died and we agreed to buy a new one as soon as they can figure out the details.

So because she feels we are keeping her from staying here because her room is full, she's invited the boys over there tonight and then go into Boston tomorrow and basically saying she doesn't want to see me or my wife.

When she was living here she said she couldn't wait to move out. She moved out. She is using my other house for free but is offended that we are using her old room to store things in.

I was looking for a happy weekend.

You might have to do something about all that stuff.

Donate it to Goodwill.

Give it away.

Have a yard sale.

If you haven't interacted with it beyond seeing it or moving around it or relocating it for more than 3 years, and it isn't a tool, it can probably go.

It might not seem like it, but it really can.

 

[crazyfingers]

So my daughter is really making me feel really guilty but rationally I don't believe that I should be feeling guilty. And yet I still feel like crap.

We have a lot of stuff in our house. Stuff largely because raising our 3 adopted kids who all had and still have serious issues, though it's getting better, especially my daughter who was hospitalized 18 times for dangerous behaviors in our house, we focused all of our energy on the kids and little energy left over for keeping things uncluttered.

She moved out after failing out of college. She moved in with her boyfriend at his parents house. They were kicked out. They are now living at my second house I inherited from my parents.

In the meantime we have used her old bedroom here to store stuff because we don't want to put more clutter into my parents house because my daughter and her boyfriend are living there.

My daughter just had a birthday. She turned 22. We invited her to come over tomorrow for a small party as she has not had time to come over sooner because she works. She and the boys want to go into Boston tomorrow and stay in town late so tomorrow wouldn't work for a small party. She wanted to come over tonight, with her kitten, and boyfriend, and spend the night here, leave the kitten here for the day and evening.

There is no room in her bedroom because since she hasn't lived here for about a year and a half, we have stored stuff in her room. But her room here is partly stuffed with stuff because we didn't want to store more stuff at the house she is living in because they are trying to live there.

She's accusing me of making it impossible for her to move back in if she never needs to.

She is living rent free in my other house. We are paying her utilities and it's only 37 minute drive from one house to the other. The dishwasher there just died and we agreed to buy a new one as soon as they can figure out the details.

So because she feels we are keeping her from staying here because her room is full, she's invited the boys over there tonight and then go into Boston tomorrow and basically saying she doesn't want to see me or my wife.

When she was living here she said she couldn't wait to move out. She moved out. She is using my other house for free but is offended that we are using her old room to store things in.

I was looking for a happy weekend.

You might have to do something about all that stuff.

Donate it to Goodwill.

Give it away.

Have a yard sale.

If you haven't interacted with it beyond seeing it or moving around it or relocating it for more than 3 years, and it isn't a tool, it can probably go.

It might not seem like it, but it really can.

My wife is the blockage on getting rid of stuff. I have been asking for years.

 

[Jarhyn]

So my daughter is really making me feel really guilty but rationally I don't believe that I should be feeling guilty. And yet I still feel like crap.

We have a lot of stuff in our house. Stuff largely because raising our 3 adopted kids who all had and still have serious issues, though it's getting better, especially my daughter who was hospitalized 18 times for dangerous behaviors in our house, we focused all of our energy on the kids and little energy left over for keeping things uncluttered.

She moved out after failing out of college. She moved in with her boyfriend at his parents house. They were kicked out. They are now living at my second house I inherited from my parents.

In the meantime we have used her old bedroom here to store stuff because we don't want to put more clutter into my parents house because my daughter and her boyfriend are living there.

My daughter just had a birthday. She turned 22. We invited her to come over tomorrow for a small party as she has not had time to come over sooner because she works. She and the boys want to go into Boston tomorrow and stay in town late so tomorrow wouldn't work for a small party. She wanted to come over tonight, with her kitten, and boyfriend, and spend the night here, leave the kitten here for the day and evening.

There is no room in her bedroom because since she hasn't lived here for about a year and a half, we have stored stuff in her room. But her room here is partly stuffed with stuff because we didn't want to store more stuff at the house she is living in because they are trying to live there.

She's accusing me of making it impossible for her to move back in if she never needs to.

She is living rent free in my other house. We are paying her utilities and it's only 37 minute drive from one house to the other. The dishwasher there just died and we agreed to buy a new one as soon as they can figure out the details.

So because she feels we are keeping her from staying here because her room is full, she's invited the boys over there tonight and then go into Boston tomorrow and basically saying she doesn't want to see me or my wife.

When she was living here she said she couldn't wait to move out. She moved out. She is using my other house for free but is offended that we are using her old room to store things in.

I was looking for a happy weekend.

You might have to do something about all that stuff.

Donate it to Goodwill.

Give it away.

Have a yard sale.

If you haven't interacted with it beyond seeing it or moving around it or relocating it for more than 3 years, and it isn't a tool, it can probably go.

It might not seem like it, but it really can.

My wife is the blockage on getting rid of stuff.

You're going to have to ease her into it. I keep pointing out you have to start small and accelerate carefully.

Buy something with her for the explicit purpose of throwing it away.

Maybe even get it gift wrapped before you take it home, and then...

Do this a few times, starting with something very small if need be: a single paperclip if that's the most she can handle.

When you feel it is time to graduate, move on to picking something in the house. Say "I wrapped something up in this box that can be thrown away. Let's throw it away together."

Then throw it away without even opening the box.

Repeat this, but exclude the box.

Keep escalating this way until you can manage big pieces.

 

[crazyfingers]

My daughter apologized.

 

[gmbteach]

My daughter apologized.

I often say I need Sheldon Cooper to come and help me sort things out. But…until the shelves get built………


hmm, maybe we should stop spending money on computers, printers, phones, back stairs, Treelopper’s…..