Parenting Megathread

[Toni]

It doesn't completely make rational sense but a lot of young adults have a difficult time seeing their old rooms re-purposed...for whatever reason. I'm glad she apologized.

Also I kind of feel your pain. After a couple of years during which our entire house was very disrupted by renovations, and during which time I crammed a lot of junk in a bedroom that had become sort of my closet/dressing room now that its original occupant had long since moved out and because while I was working, I got up hours before my husband--I moved my work stuff into that bedroom so I could get dressed in the morning without bothering his sleep. But the room always became a catch all for unfinished projects, or just junk that I hadn't sorted/gotten rid of yet and after a couple of years of becoming just a junk room because I wasn't working anymore (and seemingly never had time to address the junk/clutter because of the renovations---well, that room became terrible. I have finally started tackling it, am on round 3 or 4 of getting rid of clothes I no longer need and now some that I no longer can or will wear or which are worn out and digging through piles of ...just crap that got dumped there because of renos or because we had company coming unexpectedly or whatever stupid excuse. For whatever I'm very glad that it's finally being addressed, that I'm finally getting rid of things I honestly do not want or need and which may benefit someone else. But it's a lot more time consuming that I had imagined it would be.

 

[crazyfingers]

The boys ended up spending saturday and sunday nights at the other house with my daughter and her fiance but did come back here for chinese takeout and cake. I guess that trama is over.

I can see the appeal to the boys. A weekend to sort of be adults without parents. I'm fine with it and so is my wife even if it does disrupt their weekend chores a few days.

They are 19, 20 and 22.

 

[crazyfingers]

My daughter just called.

She says "It's pay back time"
I said "Boyfriend or work?"
She says "The first"
I said " I am not into hearing about drama right now"
She says "Never mind I'm not in the mood to talk about it any more"

 

[rousseau]

I've been trying to track down the post where @Rhea recommended a hand-grinder for the transition to solids. Maybe it was a PM. In any case, we bought one for our first, but didn't use it much as we were convinced he needed purees, spoon feeding, and consistency in food. After about a month and a half of that, toddler got sick of us feeding him and wanted control. We learned how baby led weaning worked, and he was off to the races.

For our baby we gave him control pretty much from the start, use the grinder every night, and put whatever we're cooking in front of him. After about a month and a half the kid is incredible with food. It's been really cool to see this go around without the stress.

 

[Toni]

It sounds like things are going very well at your house Rousseau! Glad you are all happy and doing well.

We actually fed our firstborn baby food from jars, which was crazy as we didn’t have any extra money. Our second refused anything except breast ( not pumped) but as he got to the age where he would be starting solids, he would happily eat cheerios ( preferred if they were found in the floor) or whatever I was willing to feed him ( mashed up) from my plate. We did not have a blender or grinder —all hand smashed ( i Mean I used a fork and spoon). It was cheaper and easier than jars of stuff or baby cereal none of which he would accept. Ever. So when the others came along, I think fir a couple of months, there was baby cereal but I never bought another jar of baby food again—except once fir a dog with tummy trouble, I just mashed some of whatever was on my plate up and baby loved it. I remember making chicken soup with a toddler and a 10 month old. I was boning the cooked chicken while they ate lunch, and feeding them bits of chicken as I boned it. The two of them are nearly half a chicken.

 

[rousseau]

It sounds like things are going very well at your house Rousseau! Glad you are all happy and doing well.

The only hitch we've run into lately is a Cleft Palate diagnosis for our toddler. But speech wise he's doing pretty well despite the Cleft, so we're not overly worried. Great vocabulary and mostly age appropriate pronunciation, but you can tell some sounds are hard for him to make.

As for baby, the kid is fast and loves running into danger. In the last few days he graduated to exploring our main floor, and I've tripped over / bonked him a few times now. We're pretty sure he also recognizes his name and can wave, which is sweet to see.

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

 

[Toni]

Have they suggested a surgery would be advisable at some point fir your toddler?

Second born kids on average do a lot more physical stuff earlier than first borns. First of all, parents are almost always more relaxed with #2 and also don’t have as much time/undivided attention to give. Secondly, the older one is such temptation/inspiration fir #2 (thru infinity). There is a lot of drive to try to keep up with the oldest.

That was a tiny bit bitter sweet for me to realize. With our firstborn, they looked to us, the parents, fir everything. The next kid thought we were great but older sibling—hero worship! Fortunately fir us #1 was an easy child and also very outgoing, gregarious, delighted in being around others and being the center of attention. Sibling was just an addition to the crowd of admirers. There was a bigger gap between our first two, which I think helped. All the kids looked to the oldest fir leadership and inspiration. We would have been in trouble if they were not a great kid. As adults, it’s still the same to a certain extent. In family gatherings, they are the big draw.

 

[rousseau]

Have they suggested a surgery would be advisable at some point fir your toddler?

Second born kids on average do a lot more physical stuff earlier than first borns. First of all, parents are almost always more relaxed with #2 and also don’t have as much time/undivided attention to give. Secondly, the older one is such temptation/inspiration fir #2 (thru infinity). There is a lot of drive to try to keep up with the oldest.

That was a tiny bit bitter sweet for me to realize. With our firstborn, they looked to us, the parents, fir everything. The next kid thought we were great but older sibling—hero worship! Fortunately fir us #1 was an easy child and also very outgoing, gregarious, delighted in being around others and being the center of attention. Sibling was just an addition to the crowd of admirers. There was a bigger gap between our first two, which I think helped. All the kids looked to the oldest fir leadership and inspiration. We would have been in trouble if they were not a great kid. As adults, it’s still the same to a certain extent. In family gatherings, they are the big draw.

He was only diagnosed last week, so it's in the works, but it seems like surgery would be likely. We still need to get to the specialist.

And that definitely describes our baby. I commented to my wife the other day, I don't like how he likes toddler more than us. Whenever older brother enters the room, comes home from daycare, or does pretty much anything, baby's eyes and smile light right up. Even despite the occasional rough housing from big bro. But lately we're seeing toddler learn to be genuinely gentle with him.

What I'm interested in seeing now is how the intro / extro dynamics play out. When I was growing up my older brother was the extrovert, and I was the introvert, much to my dismay. But now the roles are reversed so it'll be interesting to see it play out. If nothing else, I expect baby will be able to keep up with him, and probably annoy him at times. It's the same situation with my brother's girls - his eldest is quieter and more reserved, and his youngest is a firecracker.

 

[Toni]

Have they suggested a surgery would be advisable at some point fir your toddler?

Second born kids on average do a lot more physical stuff earlier than first borns. First of all, parents are almost always more relaxed with #2 and also don’t have as much time/undivided attention to give. Secondly, the older one is such temptation/inspiration fir #2 (thru infinity). There is a lot of drive to try to keep up with the oldest.

That was a tiny bit bitter sweet for me to realize. With our firstborn, they looked to us, the parents, fir everything. The next kid thought we were great but older sibling—hero worship! Fortunately fir us #1 was an easy child and also very outgoing, gregarious, delighted in being around others and being the center of attention. Sibling was just an addition to the crowd of admirers. There was a bigger gap between our first two, which I think helped. All the kids looked to the oldest fir leadership and inspiration. We would have been in trouble if they were not a great kid. As adults, it’s still the same to a certain extent. In family gatherings, they are the big draw.

He was only diagnosed last week, so it's in the works, but it seems like surgery would be likely. We still need to get to the specialist.

And that definitely describes our baby. I commented to my wife the other day, I don't like how he likes toddler more than us. Whenever older brother enters the room, comes home from daycare, or does pretty much anything, baby's eyes and smile light right up. Even despite the occasional rough housing from big bro. But lately we're seeing toddler learn to be genuinely gentle with him.

What I'm interested in seeing now is how the intro / extro dynamics play out. When I was growing up my older brother was the extrovert, and I was the introvert, much to my dismay. But now the roles are reversed so it'll be interesting to see it play out. If nothing else, I expect baby will be able to keep up with him, and probably annoy him at times. It's the same situation with my brother's girls - his eldest is quieter and more reserved, and his youngest is a firecracker.

I find that I get really irritated by introvert/extrovert labels. No one is 100% either. Sometimes, people are forced more into a particular mode due to circumstances. And yes, kids do change throughout their lives. One thing that was true for two of our kids is that they were opposite at school compared with at home. One at home was shy with new people (not family) and slow to warm up with new people or in social situations, and really liked reading, playing lego, etc. He was fine with siblings but just as happy alone. Imagine my surprise to learn that at school, his hand was always up, he was always volunteering, happy to do anything at all, however new. My youngest is (mostly) an introvert but at home, when he is comfortable, he is fairly outgoing. I remember when he was in kindergarten, a classroom aide's son was in the same kindergarten class as my kid. My kid was invited to her kid (newly diagnosed with ADHD and definitely he was ADHD) birthday party. She brought him home after and was laughing so hard she could hardly stand. My kid, who was so quiet in the classroom that the teacher had him tested to see if he was developmentally challenged (nope, gifted and quiet) ran around like a wild thing at the party--said he acted at home just like her son did at school.

This can also happen in adulthood. My husband was very quiet and shy when I met him. In grad school, he had major anxiety when he had to be part of a presentation for his research group. It was seriously awful, he struggled so to get through each one, even though the group they were presenting to was a friendly group of maybe 15 people or so. So, when he told me he wanted to teach, I panicked. I thought there was no way that was going to work out. But it did. A few years after he started teaching, I was talking to one of his colleagues about how shy he is and she just looked at me and said: Shy? Nope. Not by a long shot. And it's true. No one who met him now would ever think he was ever shy and is actually shocked to hear that he used to sit in corners by himself at parties and family gatherings.....

 

[Shadowy Man]

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

Don’t worry, that exhaustion will wear off in a decade or two.

 

[Toni]

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

Don’t worry, that exhaustion will wear off in a decade or two.

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

Don’t worry, that exhaustion will wear off in a decade or two.

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

Don’t worry, that exhaustion will wear off in a decade or two.

Nah, then you're approaching the teen years and it's a whole different kind of sleepless nights.....

 

[Shadowy Man]

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

Don’t worry, that exhaustion will wear off in a decade or two.

Nah, then you're approaching the teen years and it's a whole different kind of sleepless nights.....

I did say “or two”… I’m just over a decade in and still waiting to get a good night’s sleep.

 

[rousseau]

I find that I get really irritated by introvert/extrovert labels. No one is 100% either. Sometimes, people are forced more into a particular mode due to circumstances. And yes, kids do change throughout their lives.

I think the problem comes in when people conflate intro/extro for propensity to be social, which literally everyone does. If you look at the science behind the extraversion spectrum, it's very much related to a specific component of the brain, and unchangeable. People can become more or less social, or be a social introvert, because sociality and intro/extro are only minimally related. Introverts tend to find the world more intense so seek out lower stimulating environments more often, extroverts find the world less intense so seek out higher stimulating environments more often.

My brother is a strong extrovert - became a teacher, struggled to pay attention in school but got by, excellent hockey player who almost made it to the top of the junior tier in Ontario. I'm a strong introvert - failed teacher, absolutely thrived in school, mostly hated sports and quit them when I was young. The differences boil down to propensity for stimulation, not sociality. I was a very good teacher but didn't have the social energy.

With regards to our kids, we won't limit them, but I think parents (and their kids) can only benefit from having a real understanding of what the extraversion spectrum actually means. Susan Cain wrote about it in length in Quiet and I agree with most of her points (highly recommend this book btw). I see more parents hurting their kids because they think 100% of them are supposed to be with a group of friends every night, and that it's not normal to want to be alone sometimes. These kids end up thinking they're broken and have a personality defect.

Personally, I spent most of my teen years feeling like there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to attend social events all the time. When in my twenties my parents thought I had a serious disorder because I wasn't getting out of the house enough. Eventually I had to discover myself on my own, but luckily we'll be able to assist our boys with that.

 

[rousseau]

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

Don’t worry, that exhaustion will wear off in a decade or two.

Once we get them both sleeping through the night consistently, we're golden. I can handle 5 AM.. but 11 PM, 1 AM, 3 AM, 5 AM .. nah.

Unfortunately, we're likely a few years out from that. My wife and I comment a lot that we're too old to have a 7 month old.

 

[Toni]

I find that I get really irritated by introvert/extrovert labels. No one is 100% either. Sometimes, people are forced more into a particular mode due to circumstances. And yes, kids do change throughout their lives.

I think the problem comes in when people conflate intro/extro for propensity to be social, which literally everyone does. If you look at the science behind the extraversion spectrum, it's very much related to a specific component of the brain, and unchangeable. People can become more or less social, or be a social introvert, because sociality and intro/extro are only minimally related. Introverts tend to find the world more intense so seek out lower stimulating environments more often, extroverts find the world less intense so seek out higher stimulating environments more often.

My brother is a strong extrovert - became a teacher, struggled to pay attention in school but got by, excellent hockey player who almost made it to the top of the junior tier in Ontario. I'm a strong introvert - failed teacher, absolutely thrived in school, mostly hated sports and quit them when I was young. The differences boil down to propensity for stimulation, not sociality. I was a very good teacher but didn't have the social energy.

With regards to our kids, we won't limit them, but I think parents (and their kids) can only benefit from having a real understanding of what the extraversion spectrum actually means. Susan Cain wrote about it in length in Quiet and I agree with most of her points (highly recommend this book btw). I see more parents hurting their kids because they think 100% of them are supposed to be with a group of friends every night, and that it's not normal to want to be alone sometimes. These kids end up thinking they're broken and have a personality defect.

Personally, I spent most of my teen years feeling like there was something wrong with me because I didn't want to attend social events all the time. When in my twenties my parents thought I had a serious disorder because I wasn't getting out of the house enough. Eventually I had to discover myself on my own, but luckily we'll be able to assist our boys with that.

Yes, with a couple of my kids, I had to insist they engage in two outside of school activities. The most introverted one chose one on one guitar lessons as one of those activities and absolutely hated any kind of team activity--although he did play one youth sport for a couple of seasons--his idea. For them, sending to them to their room for misbehavior was more of a reward than a punishment and really was just a cool off period. Grounding them was meaningless. The other two? OMG the universe has just ended if they cannot (insert absolutely anything involving any other person, especially someone in their age group). Even as a toddler, one of them used to cry if we came in from the playground for a bathroom break if I took shoes off because that meant we were staying inside.

 

[Toni]

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

Don’t worry, that exhaustion will wear off in a decade or two.

Nah, then you're approaching the teen years and it's a whole different kind of sleepless nights.....

I did say “or two”… I’m just over a decade in and still waiting to get a good night’s sleep.

I was really fortunate that 3 of 4 slept well fairly early on, two before 2 months of age. The other one didn't actually nap until he was almost 3 (and the next baby was almost here) and didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 and then, if anything--anything at all--disturbed his sleep, he'd be up multiple times. So, I had a pretty rough 3.25 years. Teen years were...different.

 

[Shadowy Man]

Partner and I are always exhausted, and every day seems to be a little different, but we're used to it now. And with my ongoing situation at work the boys actually add some needed spice to our lives.

Don’t worry, that exhaustion will wear off in a decade or two.

Nah, then you're approaching the teen years and it's a whole different kind of sleepless nights.....

I did say “or two”… I’m just over a decade in and still waiting to get a good night’s sleep.

I was really fortunate that 3 of 4 slept well fairly early on, two before 2 months of age. The other one didn't actually nap until he was almost 3 (and the next baby was almost here) and didn't sleep through the night until he was 2 and then, if anything--anything at all--disturbed his sleep, he'd be up multiple times. So, I had a pretty rough 3.25 years. Teen years were...different.

Well, the 11 year old sleeps fine but the nigh 7 year old still wakes me every time she wakes in the night.

But it’s also just getting to bed late and rising early because of all the housework, dishes, laundry, etc as well as my desire to eat a breakfast in peace before everyone wakes up and we have to scramble to get to schools on time.

 

[rousseau]

but the nigh 7 year old still wakes me every time she wakes in the night.

That's a scary thought. Our toddler does this, but I assumed he'd grow out of it pretty quickly. He's at least choosing to go to bed at times now.

 

[Shadowy Man]

but the nigh 7 year old still wakes me every time she wakes in the night.

That's a scary thought. Our toddler does this, but I assumed he'd grow out of it pretty quickly. He's at least choosing to go to bed at times now.

It will of course depend on the child. The elder child didn’t do this.

 

[rousseau]

In our latest news we've hit the 'afraid of going down the drain' phase. After a gentle talk on rudimentary physics last night, I think we're good.

I really should have gone into social work.