Parenting Megathread

[gmbteach]

Had a doozy today with my daughter at school. She is effectively one incident from likely being kicked out of school. I'm strongly considering making that push now, so as to keep her record clean-ish.

Her impulsivity has adapted in a very very bad way. It is random and unacceptable. We had seen her doctor, and got a change to her prescription, but medication shortfalls have fucked us quite a bit here. The big problem with remote learning are roughly infinifold, including either I have to work from home permanently or my wife has to quit her job, which she certainly doesn't want to do. And I can't commit to being at home all the time, though maybe I can work something out with the bosses. But still, out of office efforts aren't uncommon.

She is one of the smartest kids in that school, and the most impulsive kid in that school, and possibly most likely to get into legal trouble. The impulsivity is maddening because there is no control without medication. And she is on medication, and the control is still loose.

What pisses me off, is that while the admin at the school have moved mountains to help accommodate her, he damn teachers have been kind of useless in letting us know what was going on. Had we'd known about a couple things, we'd have had her into the doctor earlier.

Is the district thinking about out of district therapeutic schools? I don't understand why remote learning is the only option.

Two of my three kids ended up in therapeutic schools. Unfortunately though, the academic rigor was lacking. But they are usually equipped to deal with behavioral issues. And there is a very wide range in quality between different therapeutic schools both in terms of academics and how they deal with behavioral issues.

I like the term ‘therapeutic school’. We have behaviour units here, where they go part Time to work on behaviour, and attend mainstream school as well. its difficult to get into. And then there is one which is full time and focuses on trades and hands on learning.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

The one problem with my daughter is, for the most part, this isn't a behavioral issue, in the sense of choosing actions.

We are going to look at all options available. Public with peers schooling is probably the best. Communication with the people running the school is good. We have her psychiatrist's ear. So I think we'll get something put together, and we'll see where my gut falls with what actually does happen.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

OMFG! So this stuff my daughter is in trouble for emerged a bit ago. When we found out, it was okay we need to try and get a formal assessment plan in place.

I didn't realize that the request was REJECTED. My wife just bothered to look at the email. She makes life harder than it needs to be too often. Regardless, that rejection made my blood boil. I'm researching lots of stuff, feeling stupid for not being more proactive... and those fuckers thought there wasn't enough data for a formal plan to be put into place.

If they don't play ball, I'm going scorched earth. I'll launch my father-in-law on them. It won't be pretty.

 

[crazyfingers]

I didn't realize that the request was REJECTED.

Who rejected a request for an assessment? Public school? Insurance?

Public schools don't like assessments because it will probably say that they need to do something they don't want to do. But beware of allowing the school to do an assessment. They hire their own shills who will produce some watered down assessment that doesn't require the school to do anything.

When our kids were in the K-12 we ended up paying ourselves for assessments. I don't know if that's an option. But if it is, also make sure that the person who does an assessment will actually present it to the school in an IEP meeting and has the backbone to push back when school administrators try to belittle and dismiss findings.

 

[gmbteach]

OMFG! So this stuff my daughter is in trouble for emerged a bit ago. When we found out, it was okay we need to try and get a formal assessment plan in place.

I didn't realize that the request was REJECTED. My wife just bothered to look at the email. She makes life harder than it needs to be too often. Regardless, that rejection made my blood boil. I'm researching lots of stuff, feeling stupid for not being more proactive... and those fuckers thought there wasn't enough data for a formal plan to be put into place.

If they don't play ball, I'm going scorched earth. I'll launch my father-in-law on them. It won't be pretty.

If they knew an assessment needed to be done and decided not to do it, it’s on them! They haven’t done The right thing by your daughter… or the rest of the school.

 

[crazyfingers]

There are lawyers who specialize in representing parents and students against the public schools. It may sound extreme but schools excel at saying No and playing nice frequently doesn't work.

Document every request and response. Audio record IEP meetings. Schools are known for filing frivolous 51A's on parents to punish them for not going along with their next to nothing plans. Beware.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Yeah, I'm accumulating docs right now. Had some family looking into things and I'm learning the latest in social related learning and documentation (stuff required by the state, most of which is toothless, but it is still an important metric that is supposed to exist). We have a formal meeting with the top staff at the school this week. My plan is to walk into it with a clear point of we are all still part of a team and work at this methodically from all angles. They need to work with us and if they do, I think we can get this to work. If they don't, it will lead to harder questions for them to answer, as there appears to be a number of inadequacies that are inconsistent with requirements.

I don't want a fight. I doubt they do either. Wish the meeting was today, but at least that lets me get prepared on the state requirements.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

OMFG! So this stuff my daughter is in trouble for emerged a bit ago. When we found out, it was okay we need to try and get a formal assessment plan in place.

I didn't realize that the request was REJECTED. My wife just bothered to look at the email. She makes life harder than it needs to be too often. Regardless, that rejection made my blood boil. I'm researching lots of stuff, feeling stupid for not being more proactive... and those fuckers thought there wasn't enough data for a formal plan to be put into place.

If they don't play ball, I'm going scorched earth. I'll launch my father-in-law on them. It won't be pretty.

If they knew an assessment needed to be done and decided not to do it, it’s on them! They haven’t done The right thing by your daughter… or the rest of the school.

There are asterisks here. In a case or two, they were trying to "help", but that "help" has now led to harm, as she needs an IEP, but the data doesn't exist, so the people who don't know the child see a vacuum. Which is fine, as long as someone thumbs the scale accordingly. Which didn't happen. I've made the last assumption that decisions are being made competently and need to address and document everything.

 

[crazyfingers]

Audio record IEP meetings

By the way, when it comes to audio recording, in Massachusetts the law is that everyone must give consent.

We rarely had objections. We know that school policy, interestingly, is that if we record we agree to give them a copy which is fair enough to use.

On rare cases when someone refuses to be recorded our retort is that they stay silent or leave the room but "what have you got to hide? Your refusal suggests that you don't intend to follow thorough on what's agrees." That has always worked. If they ask why you need a recording claim that it's important to have an accurate record of what's agreed because people remember things different ways" We've never actually needed the recording. Recording itself seems to cause then to do what they say they would do.

Also ask for a copy of their notes. In Massachusetts at least, parents are to receive a copy of the notes at the end of the day. don't leave the meeting without their notes from the meeting. The notes should include their action items. If you agreed to some action, it had better be in the notes.

 

[crazyfingers]

I recall an IEP meeting for my son on the autism spectrum. We were saying that he needs "X something X I've forgotten". A teacher started to talk and the assistant principal shushed her and indicated she keep quiet. After a few more minutes the teacher just blurt out "He needs this! I'm sorry you don't want me to say so but he needs this service!"

One of the best teachers. And she actually put herself on the line to go against the shushing from the assistant principal.

Oh and another tip. Someone in the IEP meeting MUST have the authority to make a decision on some service or whatever. DO NOT let them say, "Oh we have to check with so-in-so". That's illegal. They can not duck a decision claiming that the person with the authority to decide isn't in the room. They are required to have a person in authority in the room and the senior person in the room from the school is that person regardless of whatever "policy" the school has.

 

[crazyfingers]

There are also Education advocates. They are not lawyers but they know the law up and down. They are less expensive than lawyers to bring to an IEP meeting if you are not completely fluent in the laws around IEPs.

I recall a meeting where they were saying the person with the authority to decide is not in the room and we'll have to wait. Our Advocate spoke right up, looked at the senior person and said. "No. You are the one who decides. You can't wait for someone else to decide later".

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

I don't think I'll audio record (invasive for this meeting), but an action plan and copies of the notes is definitely important. Feels like a damn project at this point. Meeting minutes, action plan, etc...

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Well, that meeting went as undramatically as could be hoped for. Pretty much set up most of what we wanted. They are looking at alternatives for what isn't quite as simple. She'll be back in school next week.

 

[rousseau]

On a less serious note, yesterday I was thinking about the things you take for granted before you become a parent.

In the morning I dropped one of our vehicles off for detailing, and had to take a bus to work then later back to the detailing shop. I've rarely gotten the chance to use public transit over the past four years, and just those two 15 minute rides on the bus were surprisingly fun.

When it was just our eldest we still had a reasonable amount of freedom, but with two we really are restricted to what we can do.

Not really looking for a solution, it's just nice to say it out loud.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Having children is the greatest mistake you'll ever make. The pay off is high and so are the costs, inconvenience, and compromises.

 

[crazyfingers]

Having children is the greatest mistake you'll ever make. The pay off is high and so are the costs, inconvenience, and compromises.

My wife said just the other night for the first time that adopting our three kids was a big mistake. I've harbored similar thoughts for a good while. She feels like a failure.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Having children is the greatest mistake you'll ever make. The pay off is high and so are the costs, inconvenience, and compromises.

My wife said just the other night for the first time that adopting our three kids was a big mistake. I've harbored similar thoughts for a good while. She feels like a failure.

Wouldn't doubt the feeling of failure. The trouble is hindsight sucks and clouds the honest judgments of the past. The reality is it isn't failure. The mental development of those you raised was retarded by others.

I don't know you or them at all but from the posts, while they might not have been easy to raise or become perfect (who does?), they could have come out much much worse.

The community likely owes you two a great deal.

 

[rousseau]

Having children is the greatest mistake you'll ever make. The pay off is high and so are the costs, inconvenience, and compromises.

I really couldn't imagine living the alternative, it wouldn't be enough for us. I have no regrets but I suspect my wife and I will be a little more content in a few years when they're more independent. At present we can't take our eyes off of them for more than a few minutes

But this year is easier than last year was, and next year should be better and so on. The social stuff I can handle, but the physical exhaustion has been hard at times.

 

[EricH]

Having children is the greatest mistake you'll ever make. The pay off is high and so are the costs, inconvenience, and compromises.

My wife said just the other night for the first time that adopting our three kids was a big mistake. I've harbored similar thoughts for a good while. She feels like a failure.

I'm sorry your wife feels that way, she may have said it in the moment and not meant it. You took three homeless children and gave them a home, security and a family. I would say adopting the three children is the best thing you have done in your lives.

 

[crazyfingers]

The boys have been doing a bit more to help in the last few days.

But on Monday last week the older boy was supposed to have picked 2 classes to take starting spring semester. Friday my wife asked and he said he forgot. He says he wants to go back to college but does he really want to? It's college or a job.

But my wife is first determined to make her donations trip to the Lakota Reservation before Christmas and the three are going. AWD Sienna van, AWD Outback. Two boys and my wife. I think she's thinking that getting the inventory for that is her priority. At least they have been making progress on that.

And I keep telling the boys that a happy mom is a happy house. My wife hasn't been as negative as she was.

Nothing is really fixed but things are tolerable at the moment.

I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE 2 WEEKS ALL ALONE! I don't mind doing the cat litter upstairs for two weeks alone.