Parenting Megathread

[Toni]

Indeed, the grade is low stakes, the habits are a bit higher stakes. Generally grades aren't a thing. I expect an A in math and don't want to see a drop in grades. Grades, otherwise mean very little. She is at the fundamentals portion of school, so her learning and understanding fundamentals means a lot more than the grades ever will. But this really isn't about that. It is more about the absolute lack of communication and that stare. I hate that stare. I can't break through it, so I can't address whatever is the issue.

I'm an engineer, which means I'm trained and enjoy defining and solving problems. So there is frustration when I can't do much at all to address whatever is going on.

IMO, at some point parents need to accept that genetics are a lot more powerful than their personal influence. We can guide our kids, but you just can't fundamentally change a person.

My plan isn't so much to make my boys successful, it's to make them a successful version of themselves. Maybe some of your frustration would dissipate if you let yourself off the hook for who she becomes.

It's semantics, I know, but I think it isn't the parents' job to 'make' their kids do anything. It's to help them figure themselves out by creating the right environment for them to do just that.

Absolutely none of my kids became what (insert career choice) I had thought they would. But they are all happy, self supporting and happy enough with themselves* *But still wanting to do more/better. One really needs to chill the hell out but until and unless he changes jobs, that's not going to happen. I'm extremely proud of him in his career choices but also worried about the toll. Parents. We never grow out of it.

 

[rousseau]

Indeed, the grade is low stakes, the habits are a bit higher stakes. Generally grades aren't a thing. I expect an A in math and don't want to see a drop in grades. Grades, otherwise mean very little. She is at the fundamentals portion of school, so her learning and understanding fundamentals means a lot more than the grades ever will. But this really isn't about that. It is more about the absolute lack of communication and that stare. I hate that stare. I can't break through it, so I can't address whatever is the issue.

I'm an engineer, which means I'm trained and enjoy defining and solving problems. So there is frustration when I can't do much at all to address whatever is going on.

IMO, at some point parents need to accept that genetics are a lot more powerful than their personal influence. We can guide our kids, but you just can't fundamentally change a person.

My plan isn't so much to make my boys successful, it's to make them a successful version of themselves. Maybe some of your frustration would dissipate if you let yourself off the hook for who she becomes.

It's to help them figure themselves out by creating the right environment for them to do just that.

That's what I mean. Almost all of the research I've done on parenting suggests that our influence basically begins and ends with providing a secure environment, reasonable advice, and reasonable boundaries. Genetics dictate who we become, for the most part, outside of extraordinary environmental influences.

And realizing this likely has a double-effect, because relaxed parents mean relaxed kids, and being relaxed is even more conducive to them learning and growing.

We've seen an interesting example of this with our eldest and food. From the very beginning we've paid absolutely no attention to what he eats or doesn't eat, or how much he consumes. We do limit sweets, but beyond that we've pretty much given him full control over food. And guess who's the most receptive eater in his entire pre-school room? With food, it's actually interference from parents that causes problems. But so many of us think we need to step in and micro-manage everything, rather than just trusting our kid.

 

[Toni]

I think I give less weight to genetics and more to environment and: choices we make that influence what kind of people we become. Although I very much see how much temperament is inherited. But how it developed, and is utilized? A lot is environmental influences—not all of which are within the control of the parents.

I especially think about addiction and among my acquaintances, which struggle with substance abuse although it was never an issue in their family—and which have escaped that particular demon. And which have not.

I also think about events that are beyond the control of the family: the Great Depression strongly influenced my grandparents and parents and those influences trickled down. So did the fact that the Depression was bookended by two world wars.

Thinking specifically about how such large changes born out of necessity drive society to change and individuals to change with it.

I look at one of my sons, who is very, much like his grandfather in looks and temperament but who had a much easier childhood, with two healthy parents, and much more economic security and active encouragement to pursue his interests and to achieve his goals. Of course he has his father’s genetics incorporated. I’ve often thought about how the difficulties that filled my parents’ childhoods influenced and even stunted their potential and also gave them more limited coping skills. Life was hard. You had to be tough and strong to survive. Those who were not did not survive. Of course there are other and arguably better ways to foster strength and toughness—or what we’d call resilience.

My husband and I had very different parenting styles. And in retrospect, I realize that my parenting resembled that of my parents more that I had intended. His, as well, although I don’t think he intended differently, for the most part. He was more laisser faire. I wish I had been.

 

[rousseau]

I think I give less weight to genetics and more to environment and: choices we make that influence what kind of people we become. Although I very much see how much temperament is inherited. But how it developed, and is utilized? A lot is environmental influences—not all of which are within the control of the parents.

I think we're saying a similar thing in different words. I'm a good example of environmental impact as someone who ended up in the software industry, but who attended a high school with no meaningful software classes. If I had found the itch in high school, my life may have went down a very different path.

But stuff like logical/mathematical intelligence, social skills, athletic ability, extraversion etc can't really be changed, and will generally limit the range of possibilities available. As a parent, if you think you're going to affect core personality traits you'll likely just end up frustrated. And these genetic traits are also re-enforced by the environment, as they'll influence a lot of the choices we make (i.e. if we have an affinity for math we'll likely spend more time in STEM courses, and around other people with an affinity for math).

Of course you're not going to be able to pinpoint exactly who someone will become, but if my kid is a strong introvert with an affinity for math I'm going to have a pretty good idea of what they won't become.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Indeed, the grade is low stakes, the habits are a bit higher stakes. Generally grades aren't a thing. I expect an A in math and don't want to see a drop in grades. Grades, otherwise mean very little. She is at the fundamentals portion of school, so her learning and understanding fundamentals means a lot more than the grades ever will. But this really isn't about that. It is more about the absolute lack of communication and that stare. I hate that stare. I can't break through it, so I can't address whatever is the issue.

I'm an engineer, which means I'm trained and enjoy defining and solving problems. So there is frustration when I can't do much at all to address whatever is going on.

IMO, at some point parents need to accept that genetics are a lot more powerful than their personal influence. We can guide our kids, but you just can't fundamentally change a person.

My plan isn't so much to make my boys successful, it's to make them a successful version of themselves. Maybe some of your frustration would dissipate if you let yourself off the hook for who she becomes.

It's semantics, I know, but I think it isn't the parents' job to 'make' their kids do anything. It's to help them figure themselves out by creating the right environment for them to do just that. Absolutely none of my kids became what (insert career choice) I had thought they would.

I always joke that my daughter will grow up to be a morbidly obese DJ., Big C, but the best DJ on the planet. My wife doesn't like that. She currently wants to be a Vet. I don't care what she does, as long as she can do it and be happy about it. My goal is to provide the options, or at least try to.

Her brain chemistry makes things harder than average. She has developed slower in some aspects than average. And I want her to mature, but she'll be maturing into a teenager soon, and this part of her life will evaporate all together.

They did their project stuff today, she performed very well. I just want the next report to be a bit less stressful. I do have ideas. But that is for later.

 

[Toni]

I think I give less weight to genetics and more to environment and: choices we make that influence what kind of people we become. Although I very much see how much temperament is inherited. But how it developed, and is utilized? A lot is environmental influences—not all of which are within the control of the parents.

I think we're saying a similar thing in different words. I'm a good example of environmental impact as someone who ended up in the software industry, but who attended a high school with no meaningful software classes. If I had found the itch in high school, my life may have went down a very different path.

But stuff like logical/mathematical intelligence, social skills, athletic ability, extraversion etc can't really be changed, and will generally limit the range of possibilities available. As a parent, if you think you're going to affect core personality traits you'll likely just end up frustrated. And these genetic traits are also re-enforced by the environment, as they'll influence a lot of the choices we make (i.e. if we have an affinity for math we'll likely spend more time in STEM courses, and around other people with an affinity for math).

Of course you're not going to be able to pinpoint exactly who someone will become, but if my kid is a strong introvert with an affinity for math I'm going to have a pretty good idea of what they won't become.

Maybe we’re talking about different things or about things in different ways BUT:

I absolutely believe that one can build social skills, math skills, reasoning skills, even athletic ability and much, much more can be changed! One may always find certain things easier than other things but people can and do improve upon their natural talents and affinities all the time, often going against what is natural and easy for them.

Many performers are actually natural introverts. I would include my husband, who has spent almost his entire career teaching classes ( which is in part, performance) and doing it well. The same person was a very shy, introverted guy when I met him. The introvert is still there. The shy part? It’s there but lessened to such an extent that if I mention to anyone who knows him now that he is or ever was shy, they think I’m crazy.

Heaven knows I have little to no musical ability ( mild hearing loss, tone deaf, cannot carry a tune) but I know I could have done more to develops what little I had—because I did just that as my kids got older and pursued some musical instruments ts. As they talked about their playing, or just liste k g to a piece of music, I could hear things I never heard or knew I was missing before.

 

[rousseau]

I think I give less weight to genetics and more to environment and: choices we make that influence what kind of people we become. Although I very much see how much temperament is inherited. But how it developed, and is utilized? A lot is environmental influences—not all of which are within the control of the parents.

I think we're saying a similar thing in different words. I'm a good example of environmental impact as someone who ended up in the software industry, but who attended a high school with no meaningful software classes. If I had found the itch in high school, my life may have went down a very different path.

But stuff like logical/mathematical intelligence, social skills, athletic ability, extraversion etc can't really be changed, and will generally limit the range of possibilities available. As a parent, if you think you're going to affect core personality traits you'll likely just end up frustrated. And these genetic traits are also re-enforced by the environment, as they'll influence a lot of the choices we make (i.e. if we have an affinity for math we'll likely spend more time in STEM courses, and around other people with an affinity for math).

Of course you're not going to be able to pinpoint exactly who someone will become, but if my kid is a strong introvert with an affinity for math I'm going to have a pretty good idea of what they won't become.

Maybe we’re talking about different things or about things in different ways BUT:

I absolutely believe that one can build social skills, math skills, reasoning skills, even athletic ability and much, much more can be changed! One may always find certain things easier than other things but people can and do improve upon their natural talents and affinities all the time, often going against what is natural and easy for them.

Many performers are actually natural introverts. I would include my husband, who has spent almost his entire career teaching classes ( which is in part, performance) and doing it well. The same person was a very shy, introverted guy when I met him. The introvert is still there. The shy part? It’s there but lessened to such an extent that if I mention to anyone who knows him now that he is or ever was shy, they think I’m crazy.

Heaven knows I have little to no musical ability ( mild hearing loss, tone deaf, cannot carry a tune) but I know I could have done more to develops what little I had—because I did just that as my kids got older and pursued some musical instruments ts. As they talked about their playing, or just liste k g to a piece of music, I could hear things I never heard or knew I was missing before.

Skills can be developed, but there are limits. There have been times in my life (around when I was a teacher) when my social skills became very good, but being in the software industry now I'm aware that I can't hack it as a manager. It's just not within the range of my ability. Similarly, my department has a good number of business analysts who likely couldn't hack it as a developer. If they tried really hard, maybe, kind of, but some of them would never excel.

Being aware of our limits is generally a good thing because you avoid dead ends. Speaking as someone who wasted a good three years, and a lot of frustration, trying to become a high school teacher.

 

[Toni]

Certainly there are limits. No one who has heard me sing would ask me to sing fir them ( aside from my children when they were young). Ali g time ago, a friend felt Cindy made t that if I allowed her to, she could teach me to sing. I did not have enough faith in myself to even try. But then, it wasn’t important to me.

I’m aware that my math skills were ( not well utilized for many years) pretty decent—I have some talent —but not the capacity for becoming a mathematician. I see math as a useful tool but I know those for whom math is the ultimate, most eloquent language. I was not cut out to be a ballet dancer or a basketball player ( although my short stature did not stop me in pick up games until I was maybe 16). I learned to function well on very limited sleep when my kids were small. I taught myself to run a household, something I never, ever ever ever wanted to do.

You are correct that people do have limits to what they are naturally good at but even taking those limits into consideration, people can learn to be competent at a lot of things for which they have little talent. There is always a question of whether that’s the best use for their talents and skills.

The real issue is: Can they be happy doing it?

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

I was never a great runner, but with a lot of practice (and growing one foot taller in high school), I became competent over years. That wouldn't have happened if I didn't like to run.

My daughter almost certainly is not going to sell painted art for a living. I probably already noted the story in the Kindergarten open house and the kids were given paper to color while the teacher talked to us. After a bit, the teacher told the children to show us their coloring. My daughter's was just clearly hers. To her mom's disappointment, she never liked coloring. But beyond the obvious, the term "limits" is kind of limiting. I'm not a novelist (in the sense that I can't create that bulk of words), but I can write a story, come up with ideas. I'm not a musician but I can create an overture (if not be able to pen it). One doesn't have to be a King or Bernstein to fail successfully in something.

There are limits in the sense of things that come naturally or won't come at all, but beyond that, the term limits should be limited as it puts up walls.

 

[rousseau]

Of course I'm not going to frame most problems that way, my point is only that as a parent you can't really change your kid's core aptitude. You can encourage effort and the improvement of skill, but if you're determined to turn your kid into something they're just not, that's not going to go well.

 

[crazyfingers]

My middle kid, age 21, took freshman college and is on accademic suspenstion.He has traama from his sister, on the autism spectum and depression. He has not tried to get a job and frankly, he'd probably not be able to keep it is he got one. He has a therapist and is on various mood controlling and depression meds.

He gives us pushback on his chores.

Now this may sound crazy but we think he needs his own car because if he hopes to go back to school or get a job, he's going to make xero progress without a car. There is next to no public transit here.

Instead of buying him a used car, i an getting a new car and we'll let him use or give him my old car. It's a 2017 Subaro Outback with 60k miles. The advantage to giving him the car is we can lower the insurance cost because it removes us from liability.

The issue is what strings to attach? He will need gas money and periotic maintenance. Do we really need to keep paying the insurance for him and regisration and insections?

Do his chores without pushback?
Mow the lawn for me?
Do the snowblowing?
Get a job or get back into school?
He does the grocery pickups?
He drives his younger brother to appointments?
Other?

The goals are for him to earn those exrta costs by essentially being responsible. Responsibilities that will actually make him prepare for taking care of himself and not sit around all day on his phone.

Thoughts?

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

It sounds positive, have no idea if it'll work. Motivation sounds like an issue.

No idea, but it might not be a bad idea to "lose" his phone for a bit.

 

[rousseau]

My middle kid, age 21, took freshman college and is on accademic suspenstion.He has traama from his sister, on the autism spectum and depression. He has not tried to get a job and frankly, he'd probably not be able to keep it is he got one. He has a therapist and is on various mood controlling and depression meds.

He gives us pushback on his chores.

Now this may sound crazy but we think he needs his own car because if he hopes to go back to school or get a job, he's going to make xero progress without a car. There is next to no public transit here.

Instead of buying him a used car, i an getting a new car and we'll let him use or give him my old car. It's a 2017 Subaro Outback with 60k miles. The advantage to giving him the car is we can lower the insurance cost because it removes us from liability.

The issue is what strings to attach? He will need gas money and periotic maintenance. Do we really need to keep paying the insurance for him and regisration and insections?

Do his chores without pushback?
Mow the lawn for me?
Do the snowblowing?
Get a job or get back into school?
He does the grocery pickups?
He drives his younger brother to appointments?
Other?

The goals are for him to earn those exrta costs by essentially being responsible. Responsibilities that will actually make him prepare for taking care of himself and not sit around all day on his phone.

Thoughts?

Still being a stones throw away from my early twenties, my logic at the time was 'you are the reason I exist and have the problem of finding a job in the first place'. So I didn't give a lot of credence to 'pulling my weight'. In his case, the logic is 'you're my parent'. If you force him to do chores he doesn't want to do, I don't think it's going to help him be responsible. It might help you get chores done, but it won't help much with the independence thing. To be independent he needs confidence and job skills. Which I think is better achieved by a good relationship / advice / and aiming him at work he's suitable for.

I think you mostly just need to give him some kind of incentive to become independent - help him just enough, but not so much that he doesn't just do nothing and milk it. Let him use the car, let him build savings, if possible, but don't pay for any type of lavish lifestyle. Maybe make him pay for his phone, if he's not already doing that, and other minor, reasonable things. Monthly rent?

The larger problem is that it's a hard economy for your son's generation. My neighbors have three adult children living with them, and none of them have any type of disability. If your son could walk into a low-skilled, high paying job he might have more incentive to get out. But those jobs are hard to come by these days.

One of the bigger problems I had growing up was that my dad was an asshole who never helped me with anything that was actually important - mainly reasonable life advice. When I became a teacher he pushed me into a job I wasn't suitable for, and eventually quit. When I decided to enter the software industry he discouraged me from it so I 'wouldn't go into more debt'. Both terrible pieces of advice.

If your goal is to get him out of the house and working, I think you're better off just helping him figure out how to get to that point. His ears will be more receptive to your advice if he doesn't resent you.

 

[rousseau]

One other thing occurs to me. If you're set on having him do something in exchange for use of the car, then you could include him in that process, rather than dictating. Tell him, 'we'd like you to take on some extra responsibilities, what do you think is fair for you to take on'. Give him some agency and make it a conversation rather than a command.

 

[Don2 (Don1 Revised)]

My middle kid, age 21, took freshman college and is on accademic suspenstion.He has traama from his sister, on the autism spectum and depression. He has not tried to get a job and frankly, he'd probably not be able to keep it is he got one. He has a therapist and is on various mood controlling and depression meds.

He gives us pushback on his chores.

Now this may sound crazy but we think he needs his own car because if he hopes to go back to school or get a job, he's going to make xero progress without a car. There is next to no public transit here.

Instead of buying him a used car, i an getting a new car and we'll let him use or give him my old car. It's a 2017 Subaro Outback with 60k miles. The advantage to giving him the car is we can lower the insurance cost because it removes us from liability.

The issue is what strings to attach? He will need gas money and periotic maintenance. Do we really need to keep paying the insurance for him and regisration and insections?

Do his chores without pushback?
Mow the lawn for me?
Do the snowblowing?
Get a job or get back into school?
He does the grocery pickups?
He drives his younger brother to appointments?
Other?

The goals are for him to earn those exrta costs by essentially being responsible. Responsibilities that will actually make him prepare for taking care of himself and not sit around all day on his phone.

Thoughts?

I've got a similar situation with failures and successes and continued problems. Therefore, you can take my opinions with a grain of salt.

So...IMO...tying some things to money sound like a good idea. For example, the car insurance is a cost and so is his phone and gas. His labor through chores OR school could be paid and he could use that money to pay for insurance and phone. Phone and car are pretty much a necessity, even if in school but the academics may block some other labor and so that's why I would consider school as a form of labor and pay for things so long he is performing to expectations.

You could incentivize behavior. For school you could do something like, if he is passing, he gets the car, insurance and basic phone and if his grades excel, he also gets more gas money and perhaps better data plans on the phone. If not in school, you could insert money into a bank account for completed chores in such a way that when he is on top of his game, he has extra to spend on niceties.

Don't give him so much money, though, that going out and getting a job would not be worth it. It's more like a transition to getting a job, learning the value of the dollar and hard work pays off or if he already knows, then just transitioning him out of his current funk, post-failure in school.

As far as the particular items, they sound good to me, except "He drives his younger brother to appointments." I don't think with his current development, you want to put a parental role on him, specifically the parts where he might be expected to have some decision-making or follow up on next appointments or actions. If it's something more like taking to a piano tutoring appt, that's different than say orthodontist.

 

[Toni]

Don2 has some good ideas and rousseau’s recollection of being that age and attitudes towards life and parents seem about right.

I will add what you already know: he has a number of factors working against him with regards to launching or even semi-launching. I think at least in the US, the economy is good enough he should be able to find some employment. It likely won’t be great money or future but it is a start. Yes, he will need a car or access to one. I don’t know if it makes good financial sense to keep the car in your name/on your insurance but it seems clear he cannot pay for car insurance/registration or has himself. Yet. But that definitely needs to be a goal for him, whether it is that specific vehicle or one he finds and pays for himself. Either is a really good option. Even if he ends up buying himself a junker, it would be an accomplishment, something that he earned on his own, which increases his sense of competence and ability to be self reliant.

We were never in the relatively easy circumstances you seem to enjoy so there was never a case where we would be buying any of our kids a car. I DID pass along my old Camry when one of our kids found himself in desperate need of a new vehicle right after he bought his first home—and consequently was cash poor. It conveniently came at a time I was seriously debating whether to hang onto my vehicle while commuting 100 miles a day. But: That kid was financially independent from his parents and had been for some years. We helped with car payments for a short time while another kid was in law school.

Buying a car for a young person was a hard no fir me because I saw a lot of my kids’ friends ending up in accidents in cars their mommies and daddies bought them. I was less concerned about the money than I was about potential accidents.

My kids were well into their twenties when we helped them with cars. Until that point, when they were living at home, they had access to family vehicles for reason—generally because it was easier to let them use the car than to deuce them, or because they were doing an errand for the family.

Note: I have some …regrets or worries that I was perhaps too hard line re: financial assistance for my kids once they hit those college years when they think they are grown but are inclined to turn to parents to help them out in a jam. There have been multiple times when basically, I was white knuckling the patent thing, praying we were making the right decision. It is worth noting that we received virtually zero financial help from our parents after high school.

 

[crazyfingers]

My thoughts are that if he gets back into college and gets passing grades we count that as work and will continue to pay for him to live here and keep the car up. If he was in school full time we'd reduce expectation on chores.

If he gets a job instead then some of his income should be to pay some or all of the recurring costs to keep the car on the road - especially gas. We are not going to throw him into a desperate situation but we do need to both carrot and stick him along towards making progress. What we want to see is progress forward and we can reward that.

Hell it's even possible that he could move in with his sister and her boyfriend at my mother's former house. There are tons of jobs, and colleges that are easy access to the metrowest of Boston. More than around here. And he might like the semi-independence of living away from parents. It would be more like having room mates and he needs to learn how to negotiate living with others who will not clean up after him or let him slide on his dailly /weekly responsibilities. I think he and his sister/boyfriend would actually like that. I know his sister wouldn't let him get away with not doing his fair share and she'll be much more shrill (Lets say screaming at him) about it.

Either way, all potential progress grinds to full stop without access to a car. We are fortunate to be able to afford it. We could throw a lot more money at all the kids but I don't see that as helpful at all. We pay for things strategically. Him getting my current car and me getting a new one was better than buying him some $20, 100K mile who-knows-what or where-it's-been car and I love getting a new car myself.

And we realize that the economy is really stacked against kids starting out these days. We get that. Otherwise we wouldn't be paying all the costs to keep my mother's former house up and running. That's not cheap either. But she still can't afford to pay rent or even some small rent. (Frankly her boyfriend needs to get a job! And that's a totally different story.) And they have a baby on the way. (Oh fuck and fuck again, figuratively for me and literally for them) and it will be even harder. Fortunately the pre-school where she is a teacher provides a 90% discount for employees. That's amazingly generous.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Had a doozy today with my daughter at school. She is effectively one incident from likely being kicked out of school. I'm strongly considering making that push now, so as to keep her record clean-ish.

Her impulsivity has adapted in a very very bad way. It is random and unacceptable. We had seen her doctor, and got a change to her prescription, but medication shortfalls have fucked us quite a bit here. The big problem with remote learning are roughly infinifold, including either I have to work from home permanently or my wife has to quit her job, which she certainly doesn't want to do. And I can't commit to being at home all the time, though maybe I can work something out with the bosses. But still, out of office efforts aren't uncommon.

She is one of the smartest kids in that school, and the most impulsive kid in that school, and possibly most likely to get into legal trouble. The impulsivity is maddening because there is no control without medication. And she is on medication, and the control is still loose.

What pisses me off, is that while the admin at the school have moved mountains to help accommodate her, he damn teachers have been kind of useless in letting us know what was going on. Had we'd known about a couple things, we'd have had her into the doctor earlier.

 

[gmbteach]

Had a doozy today with my daughter at school. She is effectively one incident from likely being kicked out of school. I'm strongly considering making that push now, so as to keep her record clean-ish.

Her impulsivity has adapted in a very very bad way. It is random and unacceptable. We had seen her doctor, and got a change to her prescription, but medication shortfalls have fucked us quite a bit here. The big problem with remote learning are roughly infinifold, including either I have to work from home permanently or my wife has to quit her job, which she certainly doesn't want to do. And I can't commit to being at home all the time, though maybe I can work something out with the bosses. But still, out of office efforts aren't uncommon.

She is one of the smartest kids in that school, and the most impulsive kid in that school, and possibly most likely to get into legal trouble. The impulsivity is maddening because there is no control without medication. And she is on medication, and the control is still loose.

What pisses me off, is that while the admin at the school have moved mountains to help accommodate her, he damn teachers have been kind of useless in letting us know what was going on. Had we'd known about a couple things, we'd have had her into the doctor earlier.

Can you please tell me more about your daughter? Privately if you like. She sounds like the type of student I adore working with.. and I genuinely mean that.

 

[crazyfingers]

Had a doozy today with my daughter at school. She is effectively one incident from likely being kicked out of school. I'm strongly considering making that push now, so as to keep her record clean-ish.

Her impulsivity has adapted in a very very bad way. It is random and unacceptable. We had seen her doctor, and got a change to her prescription, but medication shortfalls have fucked us quite a bit here. The big problem with remote learning are roughly infinifold, including either I have to work from home permanently or my wife has to quit her job, which she certainly doesn't want to do. And I can't commit to being at home all the time, though maybe I can work something out with the bosses. But still, out of office efforts aren't uncommon.

She is one of the smartest kids in that school, and the most impulsive kid in that school, and possibly most likely to get into legal trouble. The impulsivity is maddening because there is no control without medication. And she is on medication, and the control is still loose.

What pisses me off, is that while the admin at the school have moved mountains to help accommodate her, he damn teachers have been kind of useless in letting us know what was going on. Had we'd known about a couple things, we'd have had her into the doctor earlier.

Is the district thinking about out of district therapeutic schools? I don't understand why remote learning is the only option.

Two of my three kids ended up in therapeutic schools. Unfortunately though, the academic rigor was lacking. But they are usually equipped to deal with behavioral issues. And there is a very wide range in quality between different therapeutic schools both in terms of academics and how they deal with behavioral issues.