Parenting Megathread

[rousseau]

In my latest amusing anecdote, I pulled out one of my college textbooks a few days ago and forgot to put it away. The next morning our 3.5 year old sat down on our couch and flipped through it for about 15 minutes. I'm not sure if I should be excited or concerned for his future.

More seriously, lately I'm remembering that I was given a gifted label as a kid, and I'm starting to see this in his future. To those who haven't been there this sounds like a good thing, but in many ways it's not. It can be very isolating and confusing. I'm coming up on 40 and just coming to grips with it these days.

In any case, it'll be an interesting to see how this kid reacts to my book collection in his teens.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

My assessment when I was six said something about not hopping well enough. Okay Boomer.

 

[Toni]

My (left handed) daughter's kindergarten teacher assessed she did not know how to use scissors well. My daughter very famously cut off her waist length hair with a pair of (decent)kids' scissors at home while I made dinner. Actually did really good job of it, too. When I say famously, I mean it was not a large school and everyone gasped and most people praised her new haircut.

The same kindergarten teacher had 2 years previously informed us that she had our son assessed for developmental delays or speech issues because he was so quiet during school. His class was full of extremely difficult/troubled children and he was simply staying out of the way. She was required to but failed to notify us of the assessment beforehand. She then went to great lengths to explain to us that they did not do an IQ test with a test packet labeled with our son's name, scored, and clearly marked IQ on it on the table in front of her. She then informed us that he was quite on target developmentally--as if we didn't know that already and as if we could not read the letters IQ upside down or the score which put him well into the gifted range, if you believe that IQ assessments are accurate for 5 year olds.

 

[rousseau]

My (left handed) daughter's kindergarten teacher assessed she did not know how to use scissors well. My daughter very famously cut off her waist length hair with a pair of (decent)kids' scissors at home while I made dinner. Actually did really good job of it, too. When I say famously, I mean it was not a large school and everyone gasped and most people praised her new haircut.

The same kindergarten teacher had 2 years previously informed us that she had our son assessed for developmental delays or speech issues because he was so quiet during school. His class was full of extremely difficult/troubled children and he was simply staying out of the way. She was required to but failed to notify us of the assessment beforehand. She then went to great lengths to explain to us that they did not do an IQ test with a test packet labeled with our son's name, scored, and clearly marked IQ on it on the table in front of her. She then informed us that he was quite on target developmentally--as if we didn't know that already and as if we could not read the letters IQ upside down or the score which put him well into the gifted range, if you believe that IQ assessments are accurate for 5 year olds.

They gave me an assessment at age 9. Apparently doing this, and then moving me into a gifted program without my consent was a totally normal thing at the time. My parents didn't know better, I guess, but all I got out of it was a big head.

A 'teach gifted kids to be normal' program was what I actually needed. Still a work in progress.

But seriously, I'll be hammering humility and kindness home in both of my boys.

 

[Toni]

My (left handed) daughter's kindergarten teacher assessed she did not know how to use scissors well. My daughter very famously cut off her waist length hair with a pair of (decent)kids' scissors at home while I made dinner. Actually did really good job of it, too. When I say famously, I mean it was not a large school and everyone gasped and most people praised her new haircut.

The same kindergarten teacher had 2 years previously informed us that she had our son assessed for developmental delays or speech issues because he was so quiet during school. His class was full of extremely difficult/troubled children and he was simply staying out of the way. She was required to but failed to notify us of the assessment beforehand. She then went to great lengths to explain to us that they did not do an IQ test with a test packet labeled with our son's name, scored, and clearly marked IQ on it on the table in front of her. She then informed us that he was quite on target developmentally--as if we didn't know that already and as if we could not read the letters IQ upside down or the score which put him well into the gifted range, if you believe that IQ assessments are accurate for 5 year olds.

They gave me an assessment at age 9. Apparently doing this, and then moving me into a gifted program without my consent was a totally normal thing at the time. My parents didn't know better, I guess, but all I got out of it was a big head.

A 'teach gifted kids to be normal' program was what I actually needed. Still a work in progress.

But seriously, I'll be hammering humility and kindness home in both of my boys.

I honestly don’t know you IRL or the program you were in but my experience with my own kids is that for most of them, what they got ( and needed) was more complex, in depth assignments which helped stave off some boredom. To be honest, I think most students would have benefited from this type of education. Instead, the school district we ended up in had a ‘regular’ curriculum that would have been considered to be remedial in our previous school district in a different state, prior to moving here. One of my kids was highly gifted in mathematics and fortunately, there was a program that the school district was required to allow me to pull him to attend the advanced program and to give him appropriate credit. This allowed him to complete two years of university level calculus before he started high school. To me, the big benefit was that he was just a regular, average kid in that program and it helped him to not be the smartest person in the room for a change.

 

[rousseau]

My (left handed) daughter's kindergarten teacher assessed she did not know how to use scissors well. My daughter very famously cut off her waist length hair with a pair of (decent)kids' scissors at home while I made dinner. Actually did really good job of it, too. When I say famously, I mean it was not a large school and everyone gasped and most people praised her new haircut.

The same kindergarten teacher had 2 years previously informed us that she had our son assessed for developmental delays or speech issues because he was so quiet during school. His class was full of extremely difficult/troubled children and he was simply staying out of the way. She was required to but failed to notify us of the assessment beforehand. She then went to great lengths to explain to us that they did not do an IQ test with a test packet labeled with our son's name, scored, and clearly marked IQ on it on the table in front of her. She then informed us that he was quite on target developmentally--as if we didn't know that already and as if we could not read the letters IQ upside down or the score which put him well into the gifted range, if you believe that IQ assessments are accurate for 5 year olds.

They gave me an assessment at age 9. Apparently doing this, and then moving me into a gifted program without my consent was a totally normal thing at the time. My parents didn't know better, I guess, but all I got out of it was a big head.

A 'teach gifted kids to be normal' program was what I actually needed. Still a work in progress.

But seriously, I'll be hammering humility and kindness home in both of my boys.

I honestly don’t know you IRL or the program you were in but my experience with my own kids is that for most of them, what they got ( and needed) was more complex, in depth assignments which helped stave off some boredom. To be honest, I think most students would have benefited from this type of education. Instead, the school district we ended up in had a ‘regular’ curriculum that would have been considered to be remedial in our previous school district in a different state, prior to moving here. One of my kids was highly gifted in mathematics and fortunately, there was a program that the school district was required to allow me to pull him to attend the advanced program and to give him appropriate credit. This allowed him to complete two years of university level calculus before he started high school. To me, the big benefit was that he was just a regular, average kid in that program and it helped him to not be the smartest person in the room for a change.

Yea, that was generally the idea in our area too and I think for some kids it maybe did help stave off the boredom. For me personally, I always loved school and was never bored there, no matter what I was doing.

But what I did get for twenty years was every adult telling me how smart I was rather than helping me grow into a better version of my myself. It turned into a complex.

Our eldest looks like he's about as sharp as I was but we don't use the word 'smart' around him. Hard work, kindness, gentleness are generally what we encourage.

 

[Colonel Sanders]

My sister was declared advanced at some point. I remember my mom used to take her to GATE (Gate?) classes. Meanwhile, in 4th grade, without notifying my parents, they moved me from my normal clasroom in the slow class and it was great. The work was super easy and the teacher let me read all day if I wanted. Just one book after the next all day every day. Then my mom found out, had a spazz, and I found myself back in my normal classroom.

"He's not stupid, he's just lazy!" is what my mom said.

To this day, nothing about that statement is inaccurate.

 

[thebeave]

I started 3rd grade in a whole new town, and I was very shy and quiet initially. But I was a pretty smart kid (always near top of the class). Back then (1969) we used this reading system called SRA, which is still in use, it appears. Basically, the teacher decides which reading level you should start in, and you read the material from that level. The levels are denoted by colors, and you can advance to the next higher level/color when you finish the assignments (and tests?). All I remember is the lowest level was "aqua". I spent some time there breezing through the reading assignments, but was too shy to tell the teacher that it was very boring and easy for me. She finally got a hint I might be in the wrong category and asked me to read out loud the material in "aqua". Then, she had me read from the next level, then the one after that, etc. At each level, she was getting more and more angry. Finally, I was at the top level reading easily and she left me there and proceeded to berate me for being miscategorized for so long and not speaking up. I remember thinking, "Lady, you were the one who put me here, assuming I was dumb because I was a nervous, new kid and didn't talk much! Its your fault for misjudging me from the get-go". She actually turned out to be one of my favorite elementary school teachers, but we did have a bad start.

 

[gmbteach]

I once taught a student on the spectrum, and he was quite bright. However he needed to read something so that new information and skills could be processed. I used to get irate and tell him to put the book away, I kept him in for a minute to ask him, and he said he was still learning while reading and it helped, so I tested it. i could call on him at any opportunity and he would have the correct answer, so I let him be.

 

[southernhybrid]

My son had the opposite problem compared to all of you smart ass kids. He had a very mild learning disability in grammar school. It could have been from the head injury he had when my late sister let him fall out of a second story window on his head. I had to teach him how to read and most of his elementary school teachers weren't very good. Then in high school, after he completed Programming level 1 and got a B, I think. Then he wanted to take programming level 2, but the man who taught it tried to convince me that my son wasn't smart enough for that level. I told him to take it anyway, but there were only about 3 kids who signed up for the class so it was canceled. In college he majored in programming and graduated with honors. He still loves his job as a program/developer although, being an extreme introvert, he's not happy about having to go back to the office 2 or 3 days a week starting in January.

He also has an AD in computer technology. He's built a desk top computer for his kids for Christmas. He sure did't get that ability from me.

 

[Toni]

I started 3rd grade in a whole new town, and I was very shy and quiet initially. But I was a pretty smart kid (always near top of the class). Back then (1969) we used this reading system called SRA, which is still in use, it appears. Basically, the teacher decides which reading level you should start in, and you read the material from that level. The levels are denoted by colors, and you can advance to the next higher level/color when you finish the assignments (and tests?). All I remember is the lowest level was "aqua". I spent some time there breezing through the reading assignments, but was too shy to tell the teacher that it was very boring and easy for me. She finally got a hint I might be in the wrong category and asked me to read out loud the material in "aqua". Then, she had me read from the next level, then the one after that, etc. At each level, she was getting more and more angry. Finally, I was at the top level reading easily and she left me there and proceeded to berate me for being miscategorized for so long and not speaking up. I remember thinking, "Lady, you were the one who put me here, assuming I was dumb because I was a nervous, new kid and didn't talk much! Its your fault for misjudging me from the get-go". She actually turned out to be one of my favorite elementary school teachers, but we did have a bad start.

My experience as a student who moved half way into a school year and as the parent of kids who moved into the new school district after school had started and as the friend of someone who moved frequently (Army brat) is that teachers/schools often assume incoming students are far below the level that they really are and are extremely slow to catch on at what level the new student is actually performing in. Lots of reasons but at least some of it is not having enough time to sit with a new student or their parents and look at what the student was doing at their previous school.

 

[Toni]

My son had the opposite problem compared to all of you smart ass kids. He had a very mild learning disability in grammar school. It could have been from the head injury he had when my late sister let him fall out of a second story window on his head. I had to teach him how to read and most of his elementary school teachers weren't very good. Then in high school, after he completed Programming level 1 and got a B, I think. Then he wanted to take programming level 2, but the man who taught it tried to convince me that my son wasn't smart enough for that level. I told him to take it anyway, but there were only about 3 kids who signed up for the class so it was canceled. In college he majored in programming and graduated with honors. He still loves his job as a program/developer although, being an extreme introvert, he's not happy about having to go back to the office 2 or 3 days a week starting in January.

He also has an AD in computer technology. He's built a desk top computer for his kids for Christmas. He sure did't get that ability from me.

I have found that schools are very often not set up well to differentiate between learning disabilities and slow learning or to accommodate very bright kids who might also be dyslexic or have other learning disabilities. Or kids who have very, very strong abilities in a certain range of areas but who are about average on others. Lots of kids are later bloomers. My husband, the Ph.D./professor was told by his high school counselor that he should try community college. He had about a C+ average--and graduated with a nearly perfect GPA from a regular 4 year university because his brain kicked in, then went on to earn his Ph.D. at a relatively young age.

 

[rousseau]

So, an actual question. Is our eldest kid just going to figure out potty training eventually? Will some point come when it just clicks, and he starts doing it?

We've made progress a number of times where he starts going by himself, but then he regresses and stops doing it. My wife doesn't seem to be able to keep the volume down consistently, which I don't think is helping, but it's hard to tell if it's that, or if he's just not mature enough yet.

I'm starting to lean toward the maturity aspect, he's smart enough, and physically capable enough, but at some point he'll need to just figure it out / make the decision himself.

 

[Toni]

So, an actual question. Is our eldest kid just going to figure out potty training eventually? Will some point come when it just clicks, and he starts doing it?

We've made progress a number of times where he starts going by himself, but then he regresses and stops doing it. My wife doesn't seem to be able to keep the volume down consistently, which I don't think is helping, but it's hard to tell if it's that, or if he's just not mature enough yet.

I'm starting to lean toward the maturity aspect, he's smart enough, and physically capable enough, but at some point he'll need to just figure it out / make the decision himself.

Don't remember how old your oldest is but yes, of course he will figure it out eventually.

One thing that helped with our oldest, who had no problem at all running around with wet pants, was to buy him superhero underwear. He did not want to get Spiderman or Superman wet. Also he grew up some and there were social consequences. He really wanted to be a big kid. For him, the biggest issue is that he really hated stopping whatever play he was engaging in to take time to go to the bathroom. He was so engaged in his play, whatever play that was, that he ignored his body's signals that he needed to go.

As a temporary measure maybe he needs to be back on a schedule: Potty before we leave the house. Potty before every meal. Potty after every meal. Potty because it's been a couple of hours. Potty because Daddy is going potty. Potty before bath. Potty after bath. Potty before bedtime. Maybe target practice with a few cheerios in the toilet? I have known some parents who swear by that.

My experience is that some kids hate wet or dirty pants and some kids do not care AT ALL. I had 2 of each. The ones who really hate wet/dirty pants are a breeze to train. The others who don't care require more time and patience.

The other thing to mention here is potential for regression. My kids tended to regress temporarily if they were ill, teething (probably not your boy), or had something big going on. A lot of childhood development is like a pendulum: swing forward and then back, and then forward again.

 

[rousseau]

So, an actual question. Is our eldest kid just going to figure out potty training eventually? Will some point come when it just clicks, and he starts doing it?

We've made progress a number of times where he starts going by himself, but then he regresses and stops doing it. My wife doesn't seem to be able to keep the volume down consistently, which I don't think is helping, but it's hard to tell if it's that, or if he's just not mature enough yet.

I'm starting to lean toward the maturity aspect, he's smart enough, and physically capable enough, but at some point he'll need to just figure it out / make the decision himself.

Don't remember how old your oldest is but yes, of course he will figure it out eventually.

One thing that helped with our oldest, who had no problem at all running around with wet pants, was to buy him superhero underwear. He did not want to get Spiderman or Superman wet. Also he grew up some and there were social consequences. He really wanted to be a big kid. For him, the biggest issue is that he really hated stopping whatever play he was engaging in to take time to go to the bathroom. He was so engaged in his play, whatever play that was, that he ignored his body's signals that he needed to go.

As a temporary measure maybe he needs to be back on a schedule: Potty before we leave the house. Potty before every meal. Potty after every meal. Potty because it's been a couple of hours. Potty because Daddy is going potty. Potty before bath. Potty after bath. Potty before bedtime. Maybe target practice with a few cheerios in the toilet? I have known some parents who swear by that.

My experience is that some kids hate wet or dirty pants and some kids do not care AT ALL. I had 2 of each. The ones who really hate wet/dirty pants are a breeze to train. The others who don't care require more time and patience.

The other thing to mention here is potential for regression. My kids tended to regress temporarily if they were ill, teething (probably not your boy), or had something big going on. A lot of childhood development is like a pendulum: swing forward and then back, and then forward again.

Thanks. I do wonder if some of the regression has been a reaction to baby brother. There was a period a few months ago where the jealousy actually seemed to intensify, rather than subside, and he'd commonly act like a baby, want to be swaddled etc.

Now he's starting to refer to being a 'big boy' more and more, but I can see how it's a confusing time at that age. He's just spent his whole life being pampered and attended to, then suddenly the reactions he's getting aren't always pleasant, while it's mostly positive for baby bro.

I agree about the schedule, but I've found that part tricky. I'm trying to give him agency to make the decisions himself because ultimately that's what he needs to do, but because of that he now fights scheduled potty times. We can still convince him to go when it's been a while, but he seems to be at a stage where, like you say, wetting or pooping himself doesn't bother him.

 

[Toni]

I notched that my own children didn’t feel much resentment —or competition with the new baby until the baby was able to be mobile—and to get into their stuff. That’s possibly what’s going on with your oldest. More obvious rivalry as the baby who is now a toddler can compete in a slightly more equal measure.

I think for us it was always a matter of : we need to wash up before breakfast/lunch/dinner and since we are washing hands, how about a quick potty first? Oh, we’re going out to play/go for a walk/go to school/shopping? Better go potty first. These potty times included parents—at least one of us.

Lots of exaggerated what a big boy you are! Keeping dry! And virtually no notice aside from quiet understated clean up when accidents happened.

Praise for all the mature things and any extra privilege that might fit in with your family.

 

[gmbteach]

I notched that my own children didn’t feel much resentment —or competition with the new baby until the baby was able to be mobile—and to get into their stuff. That’s possibly what’s going on with your oldest. More obvious rivalry as the baby who is now a toddler can compete in a slightly more equal measure.

I think for us it was always a matter of : we need to wash up before breakfast/lunch/dinner and since we are washing hands, how about a quick potty first? Oh, we’re going out to play/go for a walk/go to school/shopping? Better go potty first. These potty times included parents—at least one of us.

Lots of exaggerated what a big boy you are! Keeping dry! And virtually no notice aside from quiet understated clean up when accidents happened.

Praise for all the mature things and any extra privilege that might fit in with your family.

OMG! Is sounds like training to be a teacher! Ooh I have 3 minutes , must wee! Oh there’s the bathroom, must wee! And so on…

 

[Toni]

I notched that my own children didn’t feel much resentment —or competition with the new baby until the baby was able to be mobile—and to get into their stuff. That’s possibly what’s going on with your oldest. More obvious rivalry as the baby who is now a toddler can compete in a slightly more equal measure.

I think for us it was always a matter of : we need to wash up before breakfast/lunch/dinner and since we are washing hands, how about a quick potty first? Oh, we’re going out to play/go for a walk/go to school/shopping? Better go potty first. These potty times included parents—at least one of us.

Lots of exaggerated what a big boy you are! Keeping dry! And virtually no notice aside from quiet understated clean up when accidents happened.

Praise for all the mature things and any extra privilege that might fit in with your family.

OMG! Is sounds like training to be a teacher! Ooh I have 3 minutes , must wee! Oh there’s the bathroom, must wee! And so on…

Or being the parent of young children.

 

[crazyfingers]

My daughter didn't stop wearing diapers to bed until she was around 14 years old. He liked peeing her pants and only stopped when she learned that summer camp required no diapers to bed. She was pooping her diapers though 6th grade just to piss us off. We refused to clean her by 1st grade. It was all Reactive Attachment Disorder stuff.

 

[rousseau]

I notched that my own children didn’t feel much resentment —or competition with the new baby until the baby was able to be mobile—and to get into their stuff. That’s possibly what’s going on with your oldest. More obvious rivalry as the baby who is now a toddler can compete in a slightly more equal measure.

I think for us it was always a matter of : we need to wash up before breakfast/lunch/dinner and since we are washing hands, how about a quick potty first? Oh, we’re going out to play/go for a walk/go to school/shopping? Better go potty first. These potty times included parents—at least one of us.

Lots of exaggerated what a big boy you are! Keeping dry! And virtually no notice aside from quiet understated clean up when accidents happened.

Praise for all the mature things and any extra privilege that might fit in with your family.

That's a good point. I always assumed that the jealousy would be at it's peak right after the birth, but at that point he was twenty-two months and I think it was more anxiety at that stage. To me it's always seemed like there's been underlying competition present, but when our youngest started holding his own the pushing got bad for a time.

Now he's three years, seven months and seems to be on the upswing of maturity, much more of a parent to his brother, more often. They do a lot of hand holding and hugging now, and he's brushing his own teeth. Not sure when the latter happened, but I'm thankful for it.

My wife also hasn't communicated well at times - overreaction to accidents, yelling when he's sitting on the potty, causing frustration with his potty chart etc. But this is improving.. slowly. That's caused a bit of stress this year, but I'm trying not to worry about it too much or micromanage, things will work themselves out.