Parenting Megathread

[Toni]

My next youngest sibling and I are 19 months apart. Our mother treated us as twins when it was convenient for her: I often had to take my sibling along with me whenever I went to play at a friends house because we were basically the same age,( according to our mother) and simultaneously, I was much older and more mature and so it was my fault if my sister got hurt ( rare/never) or got her feelings hurt( often). In which case I was punished.

Don’t do that.

 

[rousseau]

These days we're doing our best to make sure our second isn't babied (and eldest gets equitable treatment). Second is getting a lot of 'you can do it yourself' from us, and we're also intentionally separating them sometimes so first doesn't hog attention and toys.

Seriously, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, it was a good find on a number of fronts.

And after using this approach on eldest, he's surprisingly competent at a number of things.

 

[bigfield]

Seriously, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, it was a good find on a number of fronts.

This one?

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. - Books on Google Play

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills - Ebook written by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.. Read this book using Google Play Books app on your PC, android, iOS devices. Download for offline reading, highlight...

play.google.com

 

[rousseau]

Seriously, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, it was a good find on a number of fronts.

This one?

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. - Books on Google Play

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills - Ebook written by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.. Read this book using Google Play Books app on your PC, android, iOS devices. Download for offline reading, highlight...

play.google.com

That's the one. The main thing we took out of it I mentioned earlier in this thread - let your kid figure stuff out themselves as often as possible. Nelsen really emphasizes this point.

The 'positive' discipline aspect really boils down to positive responses being more effective than negative ones. Negative responses at best do nothing, at worst make the kid's behavior consistently worse, for a number of reasons. My wife and I are pretty laissez-faire in general, but my take is that the ultimate goal is to maintain your kid's respect and goodwill, so when they're older and you get to the serious stuff you actually have their attention. I think a lot of parents get caught up in the small stuff, that usually doesn't actually matter that much, and is generally just an artifact of their age.

The other thing the book does really well is describe sibling dynamics, and how position in the sibling hierarchy can play out. This has definitely informed how we treat our youngest. Nelsen claims that the youngest usually goes one of two ways, either they become a 'speeder' (always competing with older siblings and trying to catch up), or a 'baby' (expecting older siblings and parents to do everything). With your twins, I'm less sure how that'd play out, but I imagine they'd be equal in the hierarchy.

But I would recommend reading the book as it gets into nuance that will definitely help you understand child psychology.

 

[bigfield]

Seriously, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, it was a good find on a number of fronts.

This one?

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. - Books on Google Play

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills - Ebook written by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.. Read this book using Google Play Books app on your PC, android, iOS devices. Download for offline reading, highlight...

play.google.com

That's the one. The main thing we took out of it I mentioned earlier in this thread - let your kid figure stuff out themselves as often as possible. Nelsen really emphasizes this point.

The 'positive' discipline aspect really boils down to positive responses being more effective than negative ones. Negative responses at best do nothing, at worst make the kid's behavior consistently worse, for a number of reasons. My wife and I are pretty laissez-faire in general, but my take is that the ultimate goal is to maintain your kid's respect and goodwill, so when they're older and you get to the serious stuff you actually have their attention. I think a lot of parents get caught up in the small stuff, that usually doesn't actually matter that much, and is generally just an artifact of their age.

The other thing the book does really well is describe sibling dynamics, and how position in the sibling hierarchy can play out. This has definitely informed how we treat our youngest. Nelsen claims that the youngest usually goes one of two ways, either they become a 'speeder' (always competing with older siblings and trying to catch up), or a 'baby' (expecting older siblings and parents to do everything). With your twins, I'm less sure how that'd play out, but I imagine they'd be equal in the hierarchy.

But I would recommend reading the book as it gets into nuance that will definitely help you understand child psychology.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Just finishing Whole Brain Child at the moment and putting those ideas into practice with a small amount of success. Advice books make things seem easier than they actually are.

 

[gmbteach]

I am big on the Responsible Thinking Of Behaviour approach. You ask the kid what they are doing, ask them why it’s wrong, and get them to recognise what will happen if they do it again.

To me, the same principle applies to getting them to try and do things themselves. What are you wanting to do? How would you do it? Do you think you could try?

I do do this with students. I am currently showing 7-8 year olds how to use a dictionary to find the spellings of words. And it’s working.

 

[rousseau]

Seriously, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, it was a good find on a number of fronts.

This one?

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. - Books on Google Play

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills - Ebook written by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.. Read this book using Google Play Books app on your PC, android, iOS devices. Download for offline reading, highlight...

play.google.com

That's the one. The main thing we took out of it I mentioned earlier in this thread - let your kid figure stuff out themselves as often as possible. Nelsen really emphasizes this point.

The 'positive' discipline aspect really boils down to positive responses being more effective than negative ones. Negative responses at best do nothing, at worst make the kid's behavior consistently worse, for a number of reasons. My wife and I are pretty laissez-faire in general, but my take is that the ultimate goal is to maintain your kid's respect and goodwill, so when they're older and you get to the serious stuff you actually have their attention. I think a lot of parents get caught up in the small stuff, that usually doesn't actually matter that much, and is generally just an artifact of their age.

The other thing the book does really well is describe sibling dynamics, and how position in the sibling hierarchy can play out. This has definitely informed how we treat our youngest. Nelsen claims that the youngest usually goes one of two ways, either they become a 'speeder' (always competing with older siblings and trying to catch up), or a 'baby' (expecting older siblings and parents to do everything). With your twins, I'm less sure how that'd play out, but I imagine they'd be equal in the hierarchy.

But I would recommend reading the book as it gets into nuance that will definitely help you understand child psychology.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Just finishing Whole Brain Child at the moment and putting those ideas into practice with a small amount of success. Advice books make things seem easier than they actually are.

I read that one too before our kids were born. It's advice on how to handle tantrums is pretty solid. If they've lost control emotionally, you need to deal with the emotion first (comfort them basically). This approach has got us out of a bind countless times now.

I should likely re-read it, though, as I forget most of it. IIRC, they spoke a lot about exercising different parts of the kids brain, maybe?

 

[bigfield]

Seriously, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, it was a good find on a number of fronts.

This one?

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. - Books on Google Play

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills - Ebook written by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.. Read this book using Google Play Books app on your PC, android, iOS devices. Download for offline reading, highlight...

play.google.com

That's the one. The main thing we took out of it I mentioned earlier in this thread - let your kid figure stuff out themselves as often as possible. Nelsen really emphasizes this point.

The 'positive' discipline aspect really boils down to positive responses being more effective than negative ones. Negative responses at best do nothing, at worst make the kid's behavior consistently worse, for a number of reasons. My wife and I are pretty laissez-faire in general, but my take is that the ultimate goal is to maintain your kid's respect and goodwill, so when they're older and you get to the serious stuff you actually have their attention. I think a lot of parents get caught up in the small stuff, that usually doesn't actually matter that much, and is generally just an artifact of their age.

The other thing the book does really well is describe sibling dynamics, and how position in the sibling hierarchy can play out. This has definitely informed how we treat our youngest. Nelsen claims that the youngest usually goes one of two ways, either they become a 'speeder' (always competing with older siblings and trying to catch up), or a 'baby' (expecting older siblings and parents to do everything). With your twins, I'm less sure how that'd play out, but I imagine they'd be equal in the hierarchy.

But I would recommend reading the book as it gets into nuance that will definitely help you understand child psychology.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Just finishing Whole Brain Child at the moment and putting those ideas into practice with a small amount of success. Advice books make things seem easier than they actually are.

I read that one too before our kids were born. It's advice on how to handle tantrums is pretty solid. If they've lost control emotionally, you need to deal with the emotion first (comfort them basically). This approach has got us out of a bind countless times now.

I should likely re-read it, though, as I forget most of it. IIRC, they spoke a lot about exercising different parts of the kids brain, maybe?

It is mostly based around an idea that children can engage in reflection to moderate their emotional responses. But yes, for my toddler the main takeaway was that his tantrums could be opportunities for development. The strategies often don't seem to work, but it feels much more constructive to try rather than just being an authoritarian hardass.

 

[rousseau]

Seriously, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, it was a good find on a number of fronts.

This one?

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. - Books on Google Play

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills - Ebook written by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.. Read this book using Google Play Books app on your PC, android, iOS devices. Download for offline reading, highlight...

play.google.com

That's the one. The main thing we took out of it I mentioned earlier in this thread - let your kid figure stuff out themselves as often as possible. Nelsen really emphasizes this point.

The 'positive' discipline aspect really boils down to positive responses being more effective than negative ones. Negative responses at best do nothing, at worst make the kid's behavior consistently worse, for a number of reasons. My wife and I are pretty laissez-faire in general, but my take is that the ultimate goal is to maintain your kid's respect and goodwill, so when they're older and you get to the serious stuff you actually have their attention. I think a lot of parents get caught up in the small stuff, that usually doesn't actually matter that much, and is generally just an artifact of their age.

The other thing the book does really well is describe sibling dynamics, and how position in the sibling hierarchy can play out. This has definitely informed how we treat our youngest. Nelsen claims that the youngest usually goes one of two ways, either they become a 'speeder' (always competing with older siblings and trying to catch up), or a 'baby' (expecting older siblings and parents to do everything). With your twins, I'm less sure how that'd play out, but I imagine they'd be equal in the hierarchy.

But I would recommend reading the book as it gets into nuance that will definitely help you understand child psychology.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Just finishing Whole Brain Child at the moment and putting those ideas into practice with a small amount of success. Advice books make things seem easier than they actually are.

I read that one too before our kids were born. It's advice on how to handle tantrums is pretty solid. If they've lost control emotionally, you need to deal with the emotion first (comfort them basically). This approach has got us out of a bind countless times now.

I should likely re-read it, though, as I forget most of it. IIRC, they spoke a lot about exercising different parts of the kids brain, maybe?

It is mostly based around an idea that children can engage in reflection to moderate their emotional responses. But yes, for my toddler the main takeaway was that his tantrums could be opportunities for development. The strategies often don't seem to work, but it feels much more constructive to try rather than just being an authoritarian hardass.

If your kid is around 2, it'll likely be a while before they can self-regulate in any meaningful sense. Our oldest is just coming up on 4 now, and he still has minimal self control, although it's improving. One thing I am doing re: reflection, is exposing him to a variety of ideas and concepts, to just generally make him more aware of his environment. Things like the changing of the seasons and language concepts, to broaden his mind and get him thinking. We really don't hold back and make sure we're challenging him.

And it's interesting how malleable and influenced they can be. Recently I explained to our eldest that it's important that boys help girls clean, then out of nowhere he started keeping his room tidy.

 

[Toni]

My observation is that in general girls develop more quickly than do boys, so that if two children are age mates or close in age, the girl will seem to be equally mature or more so than her brother, even if the brother is older. And during early adolescence, unless the girl is small for her age, it is likely that the girl will be physically bigger than her brother, even if she's a couple of years younger. For a number of years, that 2 year age gap, if the girl is the younger, will seem non-existent. If they are twins, the boy will seem like he's lagging when he's really right on schedule.

Also, if your first child is a girl, and the next is a boy, the boy might seem slow to hit certain benchmarks and very likely will play very differently than his older sister. I once had a friend who called me up and asked me what to do because her son kept jumping from the couch to the chair to the coffee table and his big sisters never did anything like that. I told her that her son was a boy and boys simply did things like that while girls did not do those things as often. I did not mention that as a child, I was as likely as any boy to be climbing all over things rather than sitting quietly reading or playing as my sisters did because she had girls who were more quiet and a son who....was not.

Obviously, this is not one of those you can apply this to all kids because you cannot. Some boys are more quiet and less physical than average and some girls are more physical and rowdy than others.

So, one needs to take kids as they are and not as gender stereotypes dictate.

Kids also go through different growth (physical, emotional, intellectual) rates/spurts very individually. My oldest was always big for his age...and ended up being the shortest of the brothers. The youngest son was always small for his age and is the tallest. The youngest also was a very, very average first grade reader---and was reading his mother's old worn out paperback copy of The Hobbit on his own in second grade.

 

[gmbteach]

Seriously, Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, it was a good find on a number of fronts.

This one?

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D. - Books on Google Play

Positive Discipline: The Classic Guide to Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline, Responsibility, Cooperation, and Problem-Solving Skills - Ebook written by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D.. Read this book using Google Play Books app on your PC, android, iOS devices. Download for offline reading, highlight...

play.google.com

That's the one. The main thing we took out of it I mentioned earlier in this thread - let your kid figure stuff out themselves as often as possible. Nelsen really emphasizes this point.

The 'positive' discipline aspect really boils down to positive responses being more effective than negative ones. Negative responses at best do nothing, at worst make the kid's behavior consistently worse, for a number of reasons. My wife and I are pretty laissez-faire in general, but my take is that the ultimate goal is to maintain your kid's respect and goodwill, so when they're older and you get to the serious stuff you actually have their attention. I think a lot of parents get caught up in the small stuff, that usually doesn't actually matter that much, and is generally just an artifact of their age.

The other thing the book does really well is describe sibling dynamics, and how position in the sibling hierarchy can play out. This has definitely informed how we treat our youngest. Nelsen claims that the youngest usually goes one of two ways, either they become a 'speeder' (always competing with older siblings and trying to catch up), or a 'baby' (expecting older siblings and parents to do everything). With your twins, I'm less sure how that'd play out, but I imagine they'd be equal in the hierarchy.

But I would recommend reading the book as it gets into nuance that will definitely help you understand child psychology.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Just finishing Whole Brain Child at the moment and putting those ideas into practice with a small amount of success. Advice books make things seem easier than they actually are.

I read that one too before our kids were born. It's advice on how to handle tantrums is pretty solid. If they've lost control emotionally, you need to deal with the emotion first (comfort them basically). This approach has got us out of a bind countless times now.

I should likely re-read it, though, as I forget most of it. IIRC, they spoke a lot about exercising different parts of the kids brain, maybe?

It is mostly based around an idea that children can engage in reflection to moderate their emotional responses. But yes, for my toddler the main takeaway was that his tantrums could be opportunities for development. The strategies often don't seem to work, but it feels much more constructive to try rather than just being an authoritarian hardass.

As a teacher, when a child has a meltdown/tantrum, we calm them first ( I left squeeze the crap out of two fingers - encouraging them to be harder and harder on them until they smile - it doesn’t hurt me or them and channels their anger into something else), then I ask them quietly if it felt good to lose control like that,, the answer is usually no and then we talk about it and how we could handle things differently next time. Doesn’t stop me from using the ‘grumpy or stern voice’ when I need their attention though.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

My daughter is going through a bunch of changes in how the school manages her. Pretty much giving her a bit more leeway and room. Working on her speech and social intelligence as well.

And among other things, she is opening up about why she doesn't like smart speakers... merely the sound of the voice. Took 7 or so years to get that out of her.

But she is still a huge handful. And she is tweening it up, so the attitude and her uniqueness create a wonderful blend of want to drop an anvil on my head. She is lying a bit more these days, nothing big, usually school work, but that is new behavior. My wife doesn't parent so I'm always the one that needs to figure it out.

Thanks, I'll check it out.

Just finishing Whole Brain Child at the moment and putting those ideas into practice with a small amount of success. Advice books make things seem easier than they actually are.

Kind of like the Vet who shows how easy it is to feed that first pill to a cat.

 

[rousseau]

I've finally figured out how potty training works. He just needs to be around his super cool ten year old cousins to morph into a (in his words) 'big boy who doesn't need help'. Peer pressure. At home he's happy to pee on the couch.

IOW he's basically potty trained now, just needs to mature a bit.

 

[bigfield]

The other thing the book does really well is describe sibling dynamics, and how position in the sibling hierarchy can play out. This has definitely informed how we treat our youngest. Nelsen claims that the youngest usually goes one of two ways, either they become a 'speeder' (always competing with older siblings and trying to catch up), or a 'baby' (expecting older siblings and parents to do everything). With your twins, I'm less sure how that'd play out, but I imagine they'd be equal in the hierarchy.

Just read that section of the book. The twins are different sexes, so there's a chance they will develop at different rates and compare themselves differently to their older brother and to each other.

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

Man, getting more pressure from my wife's parents on my daughter's lack of autism diagnosis from the school. The psychiatrist at the school pretty much listed off each of my daughter's social/learning issues, there wasn't a finalized diagnosis (though it is a bit different than a medical one) of autism (and it wasn't even close), but there wasn't anything they missed on her. So we have a growing list of people (professionals) that think one thing, then some others (not mental health professionals) desperate for a label. I think she is closer to the autism spectrum than the school screening indicates, but in general, it seemed she was shy in each of the categories, she was elevated, but not quite there.

As I noted in the IEP meeting, labels only have so much value, and the school appeared to hit all the targets on what my daughter needs. I think maybe we could approach stuff outside of school as well. But ultimately, she needs it in school, among her peers. My biggest concern is her transition into middle school next year and that school seeing to her needs. The peers at her school know her, she is entering a new ecosystem with new peers that won't know her.

She ticks differently, very self-centered. She needs mentoring to work through some of that. I see some of my sister in her, with that self-centered understanding of the world. But she has a very broad ability to perceive. So while she is limited in social IQ, she has a high enough general knowledge IQ. I also see some of my shortcomings in her as well. Just to higher amplitudes in some, lower in others.

 

[rousseau]

The other thing the book does really well is describe sibling dynamics, and how position in the sibling hierarchy can play out. This has definitely informed how we treat our youngest. Nelsen claims that the youngest usually goes one of two ways, either they become a 'speeder' (always competing with older siblings and trying to catch up), or a 'baby' (expecting older siblings and parents to do everything). With your twins, I'm less sure how that'd play out, but I imagine they'd be equal in the hierarchy.

Just read that section of the book. The twins are different sexes, so there's a chance they will develop at different rates and compare themselves differently to their older brother and to each other.

FWIW, my niece and nephew are opposite sex twins, and the impression I get is that they see each other as mostly equal. She's larger in size right now, and her speech developed more quickly, but for the most part they treat each other as equals, development aside.

With reference to the eldest I'd think that the biggest thing is to just not baby the younger two. Expect them to be an active participant and solve problems, rather than relying on parents/older sib.

My wife's family was a good example of not doing that, and the youngest two (my wife and her younger sister by eight years) developed something of a baby mentality. Always expecting older siblings to solve their problems. The issue was that the older members thought they were helping, but my wife and her sister didn't build the confidence to solve problems on their own. A number of years ago I mentioned this to my wife, and she kind of just snapped out of it and started taking initiative.

With the youngest it was particularly bad as she was even being crowded out speech wise, and didn't really develop great communication skills as a result.

 

[Toni]

I don’t know that not having a ‘label’ is necessarily a bad thing. I’ve written about one of my sons almost certainly being on the very high functioning end is the autism/Asperger’s syndrome. Much less noticeable now that the extent that I think most people who meet him now would not notice anything aside from being a bit nerdy/geeky.

There were no labels assigned to him as a student aside from ‘gifted’ and ‘highly gifted’ as well as immature, disorganized and messy. All very valid and partially our fault. The did not get good guidance from schools in his early elementary years about whether he was socially mature enough for kindergarten and first grade. He was already reading very well several grade levels above what was expected and further ahead than that in math. When directly asked if they thought he should repeat kindergarten or first grade for social reasons, what I was directly told was NO. They simply had no idea what they’d do for or with him in classes he was clearly academically ahead in ways that were challenging to accommodate.

I won’t lie: middle school was very rough. Every single kid in middle school is some kind of squirrely. Multiple kinds of squirrely. I would argue the same for 95-99% of the teachers and administrators.

Re: self centeredness. She’s starting adolescence. She’s gonna be everything from a bit to 100% self-centered for the next X number of years. This will change from day to day, week to week, moment to moment. That is…normal. I do understand that for your daughter, this trait may be more exaggerated but: adolescence.

Remember that middle school grades have nothing at all to do with college acceptances or success. It’s not part of the permanent record schools care about.

As a parent, your job is to focus on survival, with thriving as the goal. For all of you. It will be difficult to see progress or improvement, but look for them and acknowledge them whenever you can. To me, childhood development is like a swinging pendulum: forward progress and then regression. But not folllwing laws of physics but of emotional development—much harder!

However hard this is for you and your wife, it’s harder for your daughter by orders of magnitude.

The goal isn’t to make things ‘easier’ but to help all of you develop better coping skills. If you have not already started to do so, I suspect you will also find yourself occasionally retreating to your own adolescent world view.

But I think you’re well equipped for this. You take time and effort to do things with your daughter outside of what the school offers. You take day trips and longer ones for things your daughter finds interesting or fun. And just as importantly for things you enjoy and find fun. My oldest and his father still share a love of a particular sport they were both involved with and watch games together, more than 100 miles apart, texting each other throughout each game. And occasionally get together for in person attendance.

 

[rousseau]

I don’t know that not having a ‘label’ is necessarily a bad thing. I’ve written about one of my sons almost certainly being on the very high functioning end is the autism/Asperger’s syndrome. Much less noticeable now that the extent that I think most people who meet him now would not notice anything aside from being a bit nerdy/geeky.

There were no labels assigned to him as a student aside from ‘gifted’ and ‘highly gifted’ as well as immature, disorganized and messy. All very valid and partially our fault. The did not get good guidance from schools in his early elementary years about whether he was socially mature enough for kindergarten and first grade. He was already reading very well several grade levels above what was expected and further ahead than that in math. When directly asked if they thought he should repeat kindergarten or first grade for social reasons, what I was directly told was NO. They simply had no idea what they’d do for or with him in classes he was clearly academically ahead in ways that were challenging to accommodate.

I'd just add to this that a diagnosis can be helpful in allowing the individual to at least be aware of their own cognitive makeup, and allow them to compensate for how their mind works. My wife and her mother are two living examples of where no diagnosis was obtained, and I think their personality would have gone down a much different path had that not been the case.

In the case of your son, when he's the highest of high functioning, it likely doesn't matter much. In the case of my MIL who really isn't, I think the awareness would have made a big difference.

@Jimmy Higgins if it were me I'd definitely seek a diagnosis outside of the school. If you get it, keep it to your family for the most part and let her build her relationship with it. Then pick yourself up a copy of 'The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome' by Tony Attwood. It'll help you educate her and advise how you approach her development.

We're currently thinking the same for our youngest who draws heavily from mom (well.. at least I'm thinking about it), but I think he's likely going to be a candidate for high functioning. I'm noticing some minor mutism, but not much else.

 

[Toni]

I really should have continued with this instead of diverging in my post above:

There might be some advantages for a definitive assessment that might (or might not) identify your daughter as on the autism spectrum. This is more difficult and more nuanced for girls compared with boys.

My son is probably very close to your age, to give you a time reference. In our school system, being identified as having any kind of learning disability or disability was likely to get you tracked into only dealing with that identified disability and made it much more difficult to get both the support needed AND the academic needs met. If you can, talk to other parents who have kids that may be somewhat similar to your daughter and ask them about how well their kids' needs are being met.

I will confess that I made a grave error with my own kids by trying to get the system to work for my kids (and many of their friends) which was and remains an impossible task in my district. I should have done the more self centered thing and worked solely on enriching my kids education and extending lessons at home. To a large extent, this happened naturally but I was extremely frustrated with our school system's focus on neatness and everyone on the same page at the same time learning instead of adapting to the actual needs of individual kids--not just my own. I saw a number of children with mediocre grades but with high academic abilities who were being ignored because they did not have a loud bossy mom like me because their parents were busy working 2-3 jobs each to keep food on the table and the electric on.

 

[gmbteach]

@Toni With the education system here, labels are important simply because they attract funding and support. Also, if a child isn’t identified as requiring support before age 10-11, it is virtually i possible to get assistance for them in high school. Labels such as ASD, ADHD, ODD, etc are very important as we can then arrange support. Especially with transitioning to high school. (We have primary which is prep to year 6, or 4-12 year olds; and then high school, years 7-12, or 12-18 year olds). Extra funding means extra teachers and aides, who can support the child when they are having a rough day, or with additional lessons in social cues, or with literacy and numeracy. Such plans in place are called ‘support provisions’. IEP’s are different.

We do, however, try and avoid IEP’s where a child is ‘working at’ a much lower level as this follows them after schooling and can hinder employment. For us, an IEP is onky used when a child is ID, has severe cognitive issues, and simply cannot be caught up to year level. EG, we have a student in year 5, working at a year 2 level. I have a year 3 student working at a prep level. Something in these cases is hindering their learning, so require IEP’s. They learn the same/similar content, however, how it is assessed is different. E.g. if the class is learning about time, then a student on an IEP might only learn about o’clock and half past instead of all the times.