Profound Thoughts

[ruby sparks]

You never know what true happiness is until you get married. And then it's too late.

 

[WAB]

Marriage is the death of hope. - Woody Allen

 

[Keith&Co.]

Mom used to say, "you catch more flies with honey," but Dad taught me, you get all the flies you'll ever need with a hollowed out corpse. So, Sheila, tell me one more time what's wrong with my approach to customer relations?

 

[ZiprHead]

Rocky Mountain Oysters are the original sack lunch.

 

[WAB]

Do cannibals like finger-foods?

 

[ZiprHead]

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex becomes a rave.

 

[mudlark]

There are some adults out there that are still " it " from childhood games of tag.

 

[WAB]

There are some adults out there that are still " it " from childhood games of tag.

OMFG!! You're right! I never did tag anyone that night...I was by the mulberry tree, thinking of Noreen and those plaid shorts, it was getting dark...I was it. I was it! I was IT!!!....

 

[ZiprHead]

Even if you manage to get rich.

Even if you manage to get famous.

You’ll never be as popular as cheese.​

 

[ZiprHead]

If I got a dollar for everytime I thought of you, I'd start thinking of you.

 

[ruby sparks]

There are some adults out there that are still " it " from childhood games of tag.

OMFG!! You're right! I never did tag anyone that night...I was by the mulberry tree, thinking of Noreen and those plaid shorts, it was getting dark...I was it. I was it! I was IT!!!....

It's worse than that WAB. You're still it. You've been it for most of your life.

Other than a rigorous search through facebook to try to find one of the other people who were there, and tagging them, I can only suggest It-Therapy.

That said, I don't recall it ever being fully explained what 'it' was. Sure, as kids we all agreed it was something to be gotten out of, but what do kids know?

At the very least, it surely means being special.

 

[Keith&Co.]

There are some adults out there that are still " it " from childhood games of tag.

OMFG!! You're right! I never did tag anyone that night...I was by the mulberry tree, thinking of Noreen and those plaid shorts, it was getting dark...I was it. I was it! I was IT!!!....

It's worse than that WAB. You're still it. You've been it for most of your life.

Other than a rigorous search through facebook to try to find one of the other people who were there, and tagging them, I can only suggest It-Therapy.

That said, I don't recall it ever being fully explained what 'it' was. Sure, as kids we all agreed it was something to be gotten out of, but what do kids know?

At the very least, it surely means being special.

It is the larval form of They.
The ubiquitous THEY are made up of the last It in every neighborhood

 

[ZiprHead]

Whenever I see a commercial with a woman relaxing in a tub with cucumber slices on her eyes, I wonder where the rest of the cucumber is.

 

[ZiprHead]

When I was a kid we didn't have video games. We had to go out and catch a hedgehog, paint it blue, and give it cocaine.

 

[DBT]

The Men That Don't Fit In.

By Robert W. Service

''There's a race of men that don't fit in,
A race that can't stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.
They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain's crest;
Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don't know how to rest.

If they just went straight they might go far;
They are strong and brave and true;
But they're always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They say: "Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!"
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.

And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win in the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets that his prime is past,
Till he stands one day, with a hope that's dead,
In the glare of the truth at last.

He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life's been a jolly good joke on him,
And now is the time to laugh.
Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;
He was never meant to win;
He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone;
He's a man who won't fit in.''

 

[WAB]

Facts of life for beta males:

1) Women want to see Harrison Ford cry.
2) Women do not want to see Woody Allen cry.

 

[Keith&Co.]

I really don't think I should have to attend the safety training TOMORROW about something I did YESTERDAY. I mean, I already know how it ends.

 

[ZiprHead]

Imagine how much sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops.

 

[4321lynx]

Imagine how much sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops.

I repeat:

"If a centipede a pint, how much would a precipice?"

 

[Keith&Co.]

Live your life in such a way that people do NOT dance in the streets, across the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD, when you lose your job.

Just a thought.

 

[Atheos]

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

 

[ZiprHead]

We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more extreme nacho flavor than a peasant in the 1,400s would get in his whole lifetime.

 

[Atheos]

Wonder how frustrating it is to be a law abiding citizen of Oregon who can finally own cocaine but can't buy a straw.

 

[ZiprHead]

Wonder how frustrating it is to be a law abiding citizen of Oregon who can finally own cocaine but can't buy a straw.

I don't think I've ever used a straw, always a rolled up thousand dollar bill.



Not really.

 

[Keith&Co.]

They have paper straws, and reusable metal straws in my supermarket today...

 

[ZiprHead]

Of course I'm an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this?

 

[ZiprHead]

I don't like people who take drugs. For example, airport security.

 

[ZiprHead]

I try to masturbate once a day for the health benefits.

The other four times are just for me.

 

[ZiprHead]

Jesus invited prostitutes to dine with him and he's the light of the world.

I do it and I'm "making Thanksgiving awkward."

 

[Atheos]

Putting Alka-Seltzer in your mouth before staggering into Walmart and shouting “The virus has mutated!” is frowned upon and is not considered funny.

Don't ask how I know this.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Putting Alka-Seltzer in your mouth before staggering into Walmart and shouting “The virus has mutated!” is frowned upon and is not considered funny.

Don't ask how I know this.

And suddenly the day has purpose...

 

[ZiprHead]

Don't let anyone treat you like free salsa.

You are cheese dip, baby. YOU. ARE. CHEESE DIP.

 

[ZiprHead]

Me: Can you please bring me a screwdriver?

Wife: Flat head, Phillips, or vodka?

And that's when I knew she was the one.

 

[Atheos]

 

[Jimmy Higgins]

What the fuck are you on about? I don't know jack and Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and etc...The only reindeer I have any back story on is that red nosed reindeer who wasn't even an original! Is Comet the fastest hence named Comet? Is Cupid always trying to bang the Does? Vixen?! Maybe instead of telling me the same damn story about a reindeer with a shiny nose, you tell me something about the other ones that had been making Xmas happen for boys and girls for years before Rudolph got into the scene.

 

[ZiprHead]

I don't do cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

 

[OLDMAN]

What the fuck are you on about? I don't know jack and Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and etc...The only reindeer I have any back story on is that red nosed reindeer who wasn't even an original! Is Comet the fastest hence named Comet? Is Cupid always trying to bang the Does? Vixen?! Maybe instead of telling me the same damn story about a reindeer with a shiny nose, you tell me something about the other ones that had been making Xmas happen for boys and girls for years before Rudolph got into the scene.

Donner and Blitzen are German for Thunder and Lightning...

 

[Elixir]

Kid: Santa, what's the story of your reindeer names?

Santa: Why I name them after memories, like Prancer frolicking through the snow!

Kid: What about Donner?

*a dark countenance settles on Santa's face*

Santa: the year was 1847, snowfall had trapped us in the Sierra Nevada...

 

[ZiprHead]

Some people are like Slinkies. They have no real purpose but they make you smile when you push them down a flight of stairs.

 

[ZiprHead]

They say that for Christmas we can meet with up to 8 people without problems. But I don’t know 8 people without problems...

 

[Keith&Co.]

Putting Alka-Seltzer in your mouth before staggering into Walmart and shouting “The virus has mutated!” is frowned upon and is not considered funny.

Don't ask how I know this.

And suddenly the day has purpose...

Maybe now "The vaccine has side effects!!"

 

[Keith&Co.]

Putting Alka-Seltzer in your mouth before staggering into Walmart and shouting “The virus has mutated!” is frowned upon and is not considered funny.

Don't ask how I know this.

And suddenly the day has purpose...

Maybe now "The vaccine has side effects!!"

Wife, upon my stating a need for Alka Seltzer on the shopping list: when the lynch mob comes after you, i won't hide you.

 

[Keith&Co.]

Maybe now "The vaccine has side effects!!"

Wife, upon my stating a need for Alka Seltzer on the shopping list: when the lynch mob comes after you, i won't hide you.

Son: This is Massachusetts! No lynch mobs!






....Witch-hunt.

 

[ZiprHead]

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others.

The same happens when you're stupid.

 

[ZiprHead]

 

[WAB]

When you're dead, you don't know you're dead. The pain is felt by others.

The same happens when you're stupid.

Not.

ETA: I only mean to say that suffering is universal. Chowderheads suffer. I was going to say 'stupid people', but I realized a few things:

a) you did not write 'stupid people'
b) people is a universal, and universals cannot be stupid (I'm a nominalist, essentially)
c) Chowderheads is not a good replacement for 'stupid people', albeit I think it sounds funnier.

 

[ZiprHead]

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom was furious.

 

[ZiprHead]

Now that I have lived through an actual plague, I totally understand why Italian renaissance paintings are full of naked fat people laying on couches.

 

[WAB]

Genius has a funny way of springing up anywhere and everywhere, much to the chagrin of classists who cannot stand the idea of native genius, who think it impossible or at least extremely unlikely that someone could excel, and even be the "best" at something, without having obtained a degree, or going to school at all, for that matter. Famous autodidacts are bees in the bonnets of bigots, snobs, and classists.

 

[James Brown]

It is interesting how often the response to "I don't like something" is "Try it this way!"