Today, SCOTUS will be deciding whether to say gays are unconstitutional. Roberts will merely want to rule that people can discriminate against other people as long as the discrimination comes from a very old dusty book. The other five justices will rule gays don't actually exist. It'll be 6-3 and our country will be a little more "free" to discriminate against people.
I get that you're playing Onion here, good clean fun. But the deeper issue here is, the constitution says
the government can't discriminate; rules against
private parties discriminating are just vanilla laws. But the right not to say things you don't want to say is in the constitution. So, never mind that the current makeup of the SCOTUS is appalling and it makes awful rulings. For this particular case, why do you think it would be at all reasonable for a constitutional court to rule that a vanilla law trumps the constitution? What's the point of even having a constitution if its toothless?